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For sandrine. I am still working on the Maia parts though. Might take a while.
f
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1. He wishes he would have talked to Shawn. More than he actually did. He wishes that he would have told him how much the developments scared him. Tom regrets not having told Shawn how much he feared, still fears, to lose his family. Alana, Kyle and Shawn. He regrets not having seen that Shawn was silently slipping away from him, out of his reach. And now he fears that Shawn is too far away, too occupied with the center and saving everyone. Tom really regrets not having been there for Shawn.
2. He regrets that he let Diana get so close. She sees right through. Right to the core. And he has no idea how to block her out. Alana and Kyle are there, are his family. But still Diana is closer, knows how to get through to him. He regrets that he hasn't made it harder for her. She loves challenges and he sometimes wonders if she would have taken him up on it. If he had made it harder for her. But he didn't and sometimes when she tells him exactly what to do, what the right thing to do is, he curses himself. Regrets that he let her come that close.
3. Alana is, no was the center of his life. Has been for years now. She has been there, through everything. Has helped him understand. A lot of things.
She was there for him when everything went down with Ryland and he was accused of murder. Alana held him and supported him. Listened to his thoughts, his worries and never complained that he wasn't really the husband she wanted him to be. She was there when Kyle finally decided to turn himself in. She was there when he was frustrated with his work, or even with his life. She calmed him down, somehow even rooted him in life and even time.
He doesn't regret a lot of things in his life. The one thing he does regret though is never having thanked her. He never said "Thank you for giving me my family back. For saving them as well", never said "Thank you for saving my life"; and he certainly never said "Thank you for loving me".
Now standing at her grave, crushing the flowers in his hand, Kyle at his side, Shawn behind them, Diana and Maia close by, the words are still missing. He says them in his mind, whispers not even screamed like he wants them to be. Just unspoken words.
Tom is as sure as he will ever be in his life that these words he never said will always be stuck in his head. He regrets never being able to say them to her.
4. Kyle is a stubborn son of a bitch. And Tom knows he has some part in that as well. Not only genes but raising him the way thy did. Kyle wants to do things on his own, doesn't want to be told what to do and what is right or wrong. His son always wanted to find out on his own, wanted to discover things he didn't know about. So naturally telling him to wake up and join the living again doesn't have any affect. Kyle still lies in this hospital bed, unmoving, almost lifeless, a mere shell and not really the son he had. There are moments, just seconds but still enough to be ashamed about them, where Tom wishes Kyle had taken the easy way out. But no, Kyle is stubborn, most people call that strength. But Tom sometimes doubts it had anything to do with being strong but everything with being stubborn and refusing to let go. He just isn't sure who isn't letting go. He sits there for hours, just watching and waiting. He thinks a lot. About his family, his work, the past, the present, the future. He thinks about things he loves, hates, whishes for and things he regrets. The later always have him emotionally drained. They pull him into a mood and he sometimes ends up hating himself. There are small things he regrets, things he hasn't done with Kyle but wanted to, still wants to. There are words he has never said to his son and regrets never done so. He wants to say them now, and catches himself doing just that. And when it is time to go, when the nurses tell him that Kyle and he himself need rest, he regrets that he doesn't have the time or the courage to speak freely to his son. He regrets that he has to go and can't stay.
5. There isn’t anything to regret. Not a single thing and he doesn’t feel sorry or bad. Not anymore. Nothing to regret. Okay, maybe there is one thing. But just this one. Tom regrets not having done this sooner. He regrets not having followed his instinct, his impulses. He would even go as far as to say that he should have followed his heart instead of ignoring it for so long. When everything is quiet and he has time to think, or when they are actually alone for some time, thoughts about what could have been and about how fucked up everything really is, crawl back into his mind. But they never make him regret what he had done. He doesn’t even come close to thinking he should feel bad or should regret something.
It feels way to good, too right.
If he had done something sooner though, things might have taken a different way or might have went more smoothly. He will never know. It might have saved them both a lot of pain and worries. It might have saved them a lot of angsting and accusations and misunderstandings.
He thinks though all the trouble, all that shouting at each other, fighting each other and themselves, it might have made them stronger. Might have prepared them a little for what was coming.
With Alana taking the decision out of his hand, pushing him away and with Kyle living his own life he had been able to think clearly for the first time in years. With Isabelle actually letting them go, not insisting on claiming her right as wife, with Collier keeping the center running without constantly demanding help, they actually had time to explore. Each other as well as themselves. They had time to talk. Really talk and clear things up. And even though it had been painful, and still is a work in progress, he doesn’t regret it. Taking the step and acting on it.
Shawn moving against him, whispering slightly in his sleep, makes him feel save. Something he hasn’t felt in years. Shawn in his arms, warm, heartbeat under his fingers, makes him feel right. Grounded, rooted. As if he belongs there. Right where he is.
In quiet nights like this one, Tom really regrets having waited so long..
f
*
1. He wishes he would have talked to Shawn. More than he actually did. He wishes that he would have told him how much the developments scared him. Tom regrets not having told Shawn how much he feared, still fears, to lose his family. Alana, Kyle and Shawn. He regrets not having seen that Shawn was silently slipping away from him, out of his reach. And now he fears that Shawn is too far away, too occupied with the center and saving everyone. Tom really regrets not having been there for Shawn.
2. He regrets that he let Diana get so close. She sees right through. Right to the core. And he has no idea how to block her out. Alana and Kyle are there, are his family. But still Diana is closer, knows how to get through to him. He regrets that he hasn't made it harder for her. She loves challenges and he sometimes wonders if she would have taken him up on it. If he had made it harder for her. But he didn't and sometimes when she tells him exactly what to do, what the right thing to do is, he curses himself. Regrets that he let her come that close.
3. Alana is, no was the center of his life. Has been for years now. She has been there, through everything. Has helped him understand. A lot of things.
She was there for him when everything went down with Ryland and he was accused of murder. Alana held him and supported him. Listened to his thoughts, his worries and never complained that he wasn't really the husband she wanted him to be. She was there when Kyle finally decided to turn himself in. She was there when he was frustrated with his work, or even with his life. She calmed him down, somehow even rooted him in life and even time.
He doesn't regret a lot of things in his life. The one thing he does regret though is never having thanked her. He never said "Thank you for giving me my family back. For saving them as well", never said "Thank you for saving my life"; and he certainly never said "Thank you for loving me".
Now standing at her grave, crushing the flowers in his hand, Kyle at his side, Shawn behind them, Diana and Maia close by, the words are still missing. He says them in his mind, whispers not even screamed like he wants them to be. Just unspoken words.
Tom is as sure as he will ever be in his life that these words he never said will always be stuck in his head. He regrets never being able to say them to her.
4. Kyle is a stubborn son of a bitch. And Tom knows he has some part in that as well. Not only genes but raising him the way thy did. Kyle wants to do things on his own, doesn't want to be told what to do and what is right or wrong. His son always wanted to find out on his own, wanted to discover things he didn't know about. So naturally telling him to wake up and join the living again doesn't have any affect. Kyle still lies in this hospital bed, unmoving, almost lifeless, a mere shell and not really the son he had. There are moments, just seconds but still enough to be ashamed about them, where Tom wishes Kyle had taken the easy way out. But no, Kyle is stubborn, most people call that strength. But Tom sometimes doubts it had anything to do with being strong but everything with being stubborn and refusing to let go. He just isn't sure who isn't letting go. He sits there for hours, just watching and waiting. He thinks a lot. About his family, his work, the past, the present, the future. He thinks about things he loves, hates, whishes for and things he regrets. The later always have him emotionally drained. They pull him into a mood and he sometimes ends up hating himself. There are small things he regrets, things he hasn't done with Kyle but wanted to, still wants to. There are words he has never said to his son and regrets never done so. He wants to say them now, and catches himself doing just that. And when it is time to go, when the nurses tell him that Kyle and he himself need rest, he regrets that he doesn't have the time or the courage to speak freely to his son. He regrets that he has to go and can't stay.
5. There isn’t anything to regret. Not a single thing and he doesn’t feel sorry or bad. Not anymore. Nothing to regret. Okay, maybe there is one thing. But just this one. Tom regrets not having done this sooner. He regrets not having followed his instinct, his impulses. He would even go as far as to say that he should have followed his heart instead of ignoring it for so long. When everything is quiet and he has time to think, or when they are actually alone for some time, thoughts about what could have been and about how fucked up everything really is, crawl back into his mind. But they never make him regret what he had done. He doesn’t even come close to thinking he should feel bad or should regret something.
It feels way to good, too right.
If he had done something sooner though, things might have taken a different way or might have went more smoothly. He will never know. It might have saved them both a lot of pain and worries. It might have saved them a lot of angsting and accusations and misunderstandings.
He thinks though all the trouble, all that shouting at each other, fighting each other and themselves, it might have made them stronger. Might have prepared them a little for what was coming.
With Alana taking the decision out of his hand, pushing him away and with Kyle living his own life he had been able to think clearly for the first time in years. With Isabelle actually letting them go, not insisting on claiming her right as wife, with Collier keeping the center running without constantly demanding help, they actually had time to explore. Each other as well as themselves. They had time to talk. Really talk and clear things up. And even though it had been painful, and still is a work in progress, he doesn’t regret it. Taking the step and acting on it.
Shawn moving against him, whispering slightly in his sleep, makes him feel save. Something he hasn’t felt in years. Shawn in his arms, warm, heartbeat under his fingers, makes him feel right. Grounded, rooted. As if he belongs there. Right where he is.
In quiet nights like this one, Tom really regrets having waited so long..
