![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Part II
Jensen’s mood is abysmal, has been for the last two weeks. Everyone’s going out of their way just so they won’t end up being the target of his frustration. And boy Jensen is frustrated. Only he doesn’t really know why.
But that’s not entirely true either, he does know, he just doesn’t want to admit it to himself, much less to anybody else. It’s really kind of pathetic. It’s a behavior more suitable for a teenager than a man close to thirty, but Jensen's sort of caught in it.
After the first few days, numerous attempts of getting close to Jensen and trying to get to know him, Jared's abandoned that approach and keeps either to himself or bonds with the rest of the band, Chris and Steve especially. Jensen’s the odd man out, watching from the sidelines and channeling his frustrations through the pen and pages of his notebook.
That’s the most frustrating thing of all, he’s writing, losing sleep over it and doesn’t even mind. Jensen knows the songs are good. Jensen also knows the reason for the words and ink staining the white pages.
Jared.
Just simply watching him doing his job has Jensen itching to write, metaphors, comparisons, alliterations. They keep on coming and he works them around the sketches of letters, graffiti that just appears when he blinks and really looks at the sheets.
Jared looks a little sad every time they cross paths, which happens about every five minutes when they're actually on the bus while on the road. Danni has given up trying to figure out what crawled up Jensen’s ass, keeps Sandy from being mean and Mike from actually smacking Jensen over the head.
Jared, though, keeps doing his job, organizes their gigs, gets back to security and the label with requests and scheduling conflicts. Jensen even hears him getting a little loud on the phone once and smirks, then hides it when Sandy catches him.
Jensen knows he’s behaving like an ass. He can’t help it though. Jared being there makes him nervous, as if there’s something holding back, wanting to break free and fighting Jensen’s determination. And Jensen's determined. He will not fall for Jared.
This crush is ridiculous anyway and Jensen tries his best to stomp on it every time it so much as peaks around a corner of his mind. But then Jensen keeps running into Jared. Jared’s everywhere suddenly. Just outside the bathroom when Jensen sneaks back out after a much needed smoke. Hazel eyes wide and then sad when Jensen just nods and slides around Jared.
Jared’s curled up on the couch next to the girls and his booming laugh makes Jensen stomach flutter, makes him turn around and hide in his bunk before anyone even notices he was there.
One night, after a gig, Jensen just wants a shower and sleep as soon as possible. The girls are out, so are Chris and Steve. Mike’s out on the couch, mumbling in his sleep and Jensen has no idea where Jared is.
The air is humid, he feels sweaty, wants to get out of the clothes as fast as he can. He steps into the back area and stops short, glistening skin and hard muscles, that's all he sees. It’s more then he’s seen on Jared lately, only a towel around slender hips and nothing else. His eyes track the water drops sliding down Jared’s back, then his chest and Jensen suddenly becomes aware that he’s staring.
It’s ridiculous how fast Jensen can move when he needs to. His breath hitches, he hits his elbow at the bathroom doorknob and curses, then fumbles to get the door open so that he can hide inside. Really, only his elbow is protesting the rude treatment. Jared’s kinda smug having caught Jensen staring.
“Uh…” That’s all Jensen gets out before he lets the bathroom door slam shut. His shower is cold, very cold and if Jensen hadn’t been so mortified in the first place his hand would have strayed lower than just his navel. His cock twitches, demands attention, something Jensen isn’t willing to give with Jared just outside the door.
Half naked and wet. It’s that image that lets Jensen blow all caution to the wind in the end.
He doesn’t talk about it the next day and Jared keeps thankfully quiet as well. Jensen feels only a little like a pervert.
Jared and Chris take up sitting outside during stops or when they do nights in hotels, talking through clear nights and exchanging stories Jensen only hears in passing. He knows he should talk to Jared, but for some reason the words get stuck again every time he tries.
Steve’s the only one besides Jared not saying anything, everyone else tries to figure out what made Jensen into such an asshole. Steve just sits with Jensen some nights, glares when Chris lets snide remark hang in the air and doesn’t try to say a word.
Jensen sometimes feels like he’s ready to explode. Jared’s so perfect, in every sense. His laugh is addictive, his smile something Jensen could stare at for hours. Jared seems so genuine, so innocent that sometimes Jensen can’t believe what’s hiding beneath it.
It makes his heart ache just thinking about it. It makes his head spin trying to figure out what made Jared do it, what happened to have a man like him, so open and friendly, chose such a slippery slope.
Seeing Jared in baggy track pants and a wife beater, sprawled out on one of the couches in the creative tank, or sweaty from his work out with Mike, isn’t really helping either. The man is fucking hot and Jensen has a hard time looking away – pun totally intended.
So Jensen gets moody every time he has no idea how to rein in his feelings. He lashes out and is generally a dick. The band knows how to handle him, Jared doesn’t. Jared tries to be his sunny self and unknowingly riles Jensen up even more.
Jared, Chris, Steve and Mike are out during one of their many over nights in a random town along the way. It’s then that Jensen realizes he knows nothing about Jared, save for some tiny facts and that Jared’s slowly making his way under Jensen’s skin.
It’s not too late, just about 10pm, Jensen’s hiding in his room but the connecting door is open because Danni insisted on it. The open door the only source of light and Jensen likes it. It makes it easier for him to hide, pretend to be asleep and still hear what the girls are talking about.
They don’t talk much at all though and Jensen prepares himself for some minor pornography to start up soon when all too familiar tunes start up. It’s not like he’s totally ignorant of the music scene these days, he can’t be, has to watch what’s selling and who might be able to serve as some kind of inspiration. Not that it had done much these last few years.
This tight band across his chest tightens again, making it hard to breathe and has Jensen squeezing his eyes shut. He tries to calm down again. No use in panicking just now. Being too busy avoiding Jared and feeling uncomfortable all around has helped keep the panic attacks away. Jensen simply hadn’t had time to think too much about things.
He wants a smoke now. Needs it even. Has kept back because Jared sleeping close to the bathroom on the bus put an effective stop to Jensen sneaking in there at night. Not that it would have been hard to do so but seeing Jared half-naked and sprawled out over the bunk had Jensen hiding in his and trying to stay silent while he willed his hard on away.
He blinks when Sandy’s giggles reach him, moves a little to get free of the covers he’d been hiding under.
“God, look at him. So young and innocent.” Sandy says and giggles again. It’s not like her and it makes Jensen curious. He moves, need for a cigarette forgotten, curiosity the driving force now.
The Idol tune has morphed into words Jensen can’t make out. The host, as it seems, is introducing the contestants now. Danni snorts, laughs out loud a second later and Jensen move from the bed to the open door.
Leaning against the door jamb Jensen’s behind the couch and has a great view of the screen.
Jensen snorts as well. Grins when Danni and Sandy jump and glare at him.
“Sorry, did I scare you?” Even to his own ears his voice sounds a little too nasty. Jensen doesn’t know what’s up with him and is really grateful when the girls let it slide. His eyes move back to the screen, to Jared standing there on stage in too big jeans, a too loud shirt and his hair combed back into a sad imitation of a 90s rapper style.
That poor boy.
“I know. Right?” Sandy sighs. “Just because he’s gay they didn’t have to work every damn wardrobe cliché on him. Way to influence the audience.”
Jensen thinks that one day he should try to stop blurting out his thoughts to Danni when he doesn’t want them to be known. Danni's smirking at him, pats the open space next to her and makes it clear that there is no way Jensen won’t be watching with them.
With a resigned sigh Jensen hands himself over to Danni’s mercy and then thinks he should probably think less melodramatic thoughts. It’s about time he mans up and grows up a little.
He slings his legs up onto the couch, almost snuggles up to Danni and smiles when Sandy pats him on the head. He lets himself sink lower, rests against Danni’s shoulder and turns his gaze to the screen.
And it’s Jared alright. Only younger, even more genuine and friendly then he is now. Jensen would've never thought it possible, but there he is, talking about his San Antonio home, how he loves to write his own songs, that he’ll perform a classic and how much fun it was to prepare. It’s like watching a video from another lifetime, from another world and maybe that’s just it.
“Where did you get that from,” he mumbles into Danni’s shoulder not wanting to move, not wanting take his eyes away from the Jared on the screen.
“Mike and the internet. He found Jared’s performances, put them on a DVD. Jared says it’s okay if we want to watch them but he doesn’t want to be around for it.”
Jensen remembers the way Jared’s face had sort of shut down in the mall, talking about Idol and how it hadn’t worked out for him. Jensen wants to ask what really happened, wants to know what those idiots did to Jared but suddenly remembers that he can’t. He’s not talking to Jared, he’s avoiding Jared at all costs.
Jensen feels even more pathetic now and tries to snuggle closer to Danni.
“You know, you could talk to him. He’s a nice guy. And whatever it is that makes you such a douche he’ll probably understand and talk to you anyway. Jared’s awesome like this,” Sandy chimes up from Danni’s other side and for a second Jensen wants to tell her to shut up. But that would be uncalled for and would probably make Danni hit him for real. It’s not their fault that he's caged and caught up in feelings he doesn’t know how to deal with.
Jensen doesn’t acknowledge the thing that feels a little too much like jealousy.
No one should be able to rediscover his muse and libido during a wild dance in a club with a man he doesn’t know and who's probably selling his body on the side. No one should be able to just look at the screen and see the man Jared is and find that image very intriguing and nor should it make Jensen want to know this man.
They watch almost every one of Jared’s shows, even get excited about the voting and decisions, cheer when Jared’s in the next round and boo when the judges diss his talent. Jensen's amused how much the girls are into this, neither of them have ever been huge fans of casting shows. But then, it’s Jared and Jensen begins to understand how much there is to the man that he doesn’t really know yet.
Jensen catches himself smiling every time Jared’s on screen, knows Danni is watching him rather than the show or Jared. Seems like she wants to say so much but in end keeps quiet. Jensen's too lost in his own thoughts to comment about it.
The longer they watch, the harder it gets for Jensen to connect the facts he knows with the image his has of Jared now. It just doesn’t work anymore. And Jensen suddenly knows why Danni wanted the door to be open.
This is a Jared he doesn’t know, but the one whom the band has gotten to know while Jensen was busy being an ass. Jensen knows this now. It still doesn’t help him with figuring out how to approach Jared or how to at least build something close to a working relationship.
But it’s a step.
He falls asleep, tucked against Danni’s side with his eyes glued to the image of a young man on stage, who still seems to have the fire, the want and the urge to be there, something Jensen thinks he’s partially lost along the way.
Danni and Sandy expect things to change now, Jensen can see it on their faces, in their looks when he and Jared are in the same room, the same area. But Jensen still can’t think of a way to approach Jared.
He watches him instead, more than before. He feels creepy doing it, feels like a jerk when Jared’s friendly and Jensen doesn’t have the words to reply, can’t find the words in the jumble in his head.
Jensen finds himself smoking even more so now. It’s as much a refuge as an excuse to hide away somewhere. It calms him down, just like the bus, helps him focus even though he knows it’s not a habit he should indulge.
This thing with Jared is like an un-choreographed dance, neither of them knowing the rules or a way to end it without one of them left behind, hurt. They literally dance around each other in the limited space of the bus. Arms brushing, fingers colliding, feet always in the way. It’s the same at venues, less limited in space but still no way of staying out of each other’s sphere.
Jensen watches, suppresses the want while memories and present images burn into him. He can’t have and he won’t even try. It’s not good to indulge lust when it's connected to a muse anyway. All the famous rock stars say that, or Jensen thinks they would when asked.
The rest of the band is pretty much clueless about what to do with Jensen but keep quiet. Sometimes Jensen thinks that as long as he keeps on writing they won’t say a single word that would tick him off. It’s not a nice thought.
Yet another call from the label, again deflected by Mike, leaves Jensen anxious and feeling lost all over again. His muse is right there and he can’t seem to bring himself to interact in a decent way. Jensen thinks he’s failing quite spectacularly.
On the road, somewhere in Arkansas, right before a club gig Jensen’s brain decides that the pressure and worries are too much. A full blown panic attack and several hurriedly made excuses by the band sees him back at the bus again.
He’s curled up in his favorite place on the couch and feels pathetic. This isn’t supposed to happen. It'd been good for a few weeks. There are songs and tunes and it’s all new. Why he keeps on panicking about it is beyond him. He’s not sixteen anymore.
Shadows play over the smooth surfaces of the table and the kitchen panels. Jensen is alone and hopes he’ll be for a while longer. The band can manage the gig without him, there are songs he isn’t necessary for.
He misses the humming of the engine, wishes they were on the road and not caught in the middle of nowhere again. It’s not changing even if they roll through state after state. The scenery is different but the feeling is always the same.
The hem of his shirt gets caught in the little nook between cushion and wooden side panel and he tugs at it. There is so much on his mind that his thoughts keep jumping places and he’s caught in mindless tasks. His foot whips up and down in the space it has left, can’t stay still, has to move as if to get away.
“You okay?” Whispered words, not really startling him but making him look up faster than necessary. Jared looks worried, more concern there as curiosity and Jensen’s grateful for that. He couldn’t take pity or questions or really anything right now.
The nod is automatic, makes him feel like he’s five and he suddenly wants to call his momma. Jensen sighs, shakes his head then and slides down again to just lie there. Jared seems unsure what to do but then flops down onto the other end of the couch and Jensen never thought he’d be happy about it. Suddenly he doesn’t want to be alone anymore.
“Always had those. Even when I was a kid. Just thought they’d be gone by now,” Jensen says, feeling small and somewhat numb. Danni forced him to take the pills he loathes but at least he feels calmer now.
“Stress can increase stuff like that. My brother had mild attacks right before he became a doctor.” Jared’s voice is equally quiet and Jensen marvels at the fact that Jared is even willing to talk to him, to tell him personal stuff like that.
“Tell me more.” It’s more mumbled than anything but Jared seems to understand.
Jared’s voice is melodic, deep and soothing. It’s what Jensen needs right now and he refuses to feel guilty about it. The embarrassment about the whole situation will be enough to deal with once he’s out of the drug induced loopiness.
To say things are awkward the next few weeks would be putting it mildly, but at least Jensen tries to be less of a jerk. Jared seems surprised every time Jensen talks to him but starts to smile every time it happens. Jensen feels weirder than before, caught up in thoughts and words and never really able to express them when he needs to.
Then another small town stop, on the road to somewhere Jensen doesn’t remember. Tennessee maybe. It’s like Texas all over again. Only that it’s some kind of country dance club and Jensen refuses to dance at all. He slouches at the bar, watches Jared and Sandy being complete dorks and ignores Danni’s attempts at having a serious talk.
The bar top is considerably less sticky then some he’s seen lately and after the third round Jensen plays with the coaster instead of watching the dance floor. He doesn’t know how long he ignores everyone, just knows that Mike gives up buying shots around the same time Chris and Steve get roped into taking the stage.
His mind is in a weird place then and he makes it out of the club to a dark, cloud-free sky and clear air. Dragging a deep breath, Jensen longs for a cigarette and curses the fact that he left them on the bus.
The hotel for the night isn’t far, a dark looming shape in the distance but close enough to walk. Jensen just wants to lie down, maybe have a party all by himself and drown unwanted feelings along the way.
Words are still swirling around in his mind and it takes a minute for Jensen to realize that he’s humming under his breath. It’s one of their old songs, one Chris and Steve just made into a country version. Humming, he makes his way down the road, doesn’t mind the odd looks he gets from some of the other air seekers outside the club.
Rounding the corner to the street leading up to the hotel Jensen stops short, feels like someone punched him right in the chest. There, under the backdoor light of the club, stands Jared. He isn’t alone.
This time the guy is short and dark haired, skinny jeans and a ridiculous plaid shirt over a dark t-shirt. Jensen doesn’t know why he’s taking in all these details. He doesn’t want to see, doesn’t want to know. Then Jared grins, smiles all wide and happy, and then guy hands over green notes Jensen knows must be at least two hundred.
His stomach twists and he leans against the rough surface of the building and it's only the wall that's holding him up right now. Jensen’s never wished more to be wrong about someone. He feels sick, even more so when Jared looks up and waves, eyes shining and so damn innocent. Jensen doesn’t know how Jared does it. There is something squeezing his heart and he can’t breath.
Jared’s moving, along the rays of the streetlight, towards Jensen, waves and then smiles again. Jensen can’t stand it, doesn’t know what to do, how to react. He does the only thing he knows is totally wrong. He turns and flees. For the first time in years Jensen’s happy to have his own room.
Not that anyone comes after him. Not even Jared. The bottle of Jack is empty faster than Jensen thinks is healthy. He blacks out halfway through a rather loud rendition of the first song he ever wrote and doesn’t care anymore.
The morning after is hell, even more due to the fact that he has to move and that the bus is making him sick all over again. Jared’s silent, keeps to himself and doesn’t try to talk to Jensen.
Jensen only feels a little bad about it. Justifies it with what he saw last night and that he has every right to be pissed. Only then he thinks he should talk to Jared and stays silent through the day.
It goes on like this for a whole week. Jensen catches desperate looks from Danni, avoids three times being sat down and talked to and then just shuts everyone out as best as he can. He still writes songs, though, in spite of everything
It’s in Florida when Jensen loses it, when everything comes crashing down and he can’t hide anymore. Because Jared pushes, unable to stand Jensen’s silent treatment anymore.
Jensen, too caught up in staring at Jared – all flushed and mused hair – misses what's going on the first time around. In hindsight, Jensen should have known better then to get caught in his own head.
It makes Jared just mad enough to lash out. “What the fuck is your problem?”
Jared’s standing in the middle of the creative tank, Mike close to the door, Danni and Sandy behind Jensen almost in the bunk area, Chris and Steve lean against the driver’s cabin door.
It’ a little like being in an arena with the spectators waiting for the big show.
This showdown's been brewing for a while and Jensen’s kind of glad they stopped for it, wouldn’t have been much fun on the moving bus with no way to get away. And that’s what Jensen's planning. He needs to get out of here.
“My problem?” And why can’t Jensen keep his mouth shut when he needs it to?
“Yes! Fuck, you’ve been treating me like shit ever since I took this job. What? Are you embarrassed that we danced, don’t want to remember? Fucking coulda told me, man.” Jared’s Texas twang becomes more pronounced. It’s distracting and hot in ways Jensen really doesn’t want to think about. Not now. Not ever, if he can help it.
“I… There is no problem,” Jensen says coldly, just wanting to get away. He moves, almost slides over the carpet and is at the door when Jared grabs at him. They are both so surprised that no one moves or says anything for a second.
“The fuck?” Jensen twists. “Let go, Jared.”
“Not before you stop lying. Man, I thought we could be friends.” Jared sounds so damn hurt that Jensen blinks, stops moving again. “Thought you were cool.”
“Friends? Fuck, no.” It comes out harsher then intended and Jensen sees Danni gape and Sandy swallow.
“Why? Just tell me why?” Jared sounds so small now, quiet somehow and it has a much harder impact than the shouting from before. Jensen just snaps.
“Because you apparently are my fucking muse and I apparently have a fucking crush on you … and then you go and be a fucking hooker. I can’t take it. I just can’t be close to you knowing you’re a fucking whore,” Jensen screams, feels the second those words leave his mouth that it’s the worst thing he could have said.
Silence. Oppressing and finite. Like a door slammed shut sucking all life out of a room, all sound. The only sounds left, their harsh breathing and the ocean outside.
Jared’s hand slides slowly away from Jensen’s arm, he can feel the warmth of fingers leaving his skin, doesn’t dare to look at anything but Jared’s chest. Then Jared’s tense shoulders as the other man vanishes into the back of the bus.
“Holy shit,” Mike mumbles and then Jensen’s being dragged outside. Roughly and with no regard to where he’s moving. He bumps into the bus door, stumbles down the steps and lets himself being pushed towards the beach.
The hand is hard as a vice around his wrist; it hurts, so much that it actually cuts through the numbness that’s spreading through his body. What the hell did just happen? What did he do? How will he ever get that broken look on Jared’s face out of his head?
Jensen registers the cool evening air, the ocean breeze and the smell of salt. The sand is warm from the late summer sun and it’s soft enough to dull the crash. He’s unceremoniously flung on the sand, he only sees Chris legs. Jensen won’t look up, can’t.
“Are you on drugs? Did they finally melt your brain?” It’s said in a soft voice, calm and collected in a way Jensen knows Chris isn’t feeling.
“Answer me!”
Jensen flinches at the shout, even more when it sets off a few seagulls close by. “No.”
“What the fuck has gotten into you man? Jared … I can’t even begin to think where you got that idea from. What the hell?” Chris is pacing now, in front of Jensen and it’s kind of hilarious seeing just his legs moving, sand spraying and all that.
Jensen would laugh if he wasn’t feeling like getting sick. That’s what he does then, right on Chris’ shoes.
“Shit. Jesus, Jensen.” There’s a hand on his back but Jensen can’t stop heaving. He’s never felt so completely out of it, not even when he was stupidly drunk in high school and came out to his parents.
“Hey, hey, calm down. Breathe, Jensen, come on,” Chris soothing voice breaks through the fog, the dizziness. Jensen takes huge gulp of air, feels light headed and sick all over again. He’s got no idea why his body's on a war path with him.
Danni’s there then and Mike as well.
“Breathe, Jensen. It’s alright,” Danni says, reassuring and motherly like always. Jensen does what he’s told, focuses on the line where the sand meets the water and breathes. The tears down his cheeks only register when Danni’s wiping them away.
When he can think a little more clearly again, Jensen sees the sun has set completely and it’s darker then before. Moonlight is reflected off the water, the wet sand, casting enough light to see that Chris isn’t there anymore, neither is Mike. Jared is, though, sitting right beside Danni and looking at Jensen. Jared looks so pale that Jensen swallows hard and coughs at the acid taste in his mouth.
“Jensen?” Danni’s way of asking if he’s okay. It’s been a while since she had to deal with him this way. It has never been this bad though. Not that he can remember.
Jensen nods at her, hugs her when she pulls him close. It’s then that he sees Jared’s bags at his feet.
“Don’t go,” it’s out before he can think about it. Jared just looks at him for a while, face unreadable before he focuses on the water.
“Why should I stay? I mean a whore like me must be hard to be around.” Jared’s voice is devoid all emotions, cold and flat in a way Jensen has never heard before and it makes him shiver.
Danni’s still there, but forgotten.
“I … don’t know. I can’t …I’m sorry.” Jensen almost chokes on the next wave of bile but refuses to let his eyes drop and looks at Jared steadily.
“Yeah … how … how can you see me this way? What ... what did I do?” Jared asks in the same flat, emotionless voice.
Jensen can’t stand it. His hand clench in the sand and he tries to open his mouth but can’t. Then Jared’s kneeling in front of him.
“Don’t, Jen. Concentrate on me. Come on, breathe. It’s easy you know.”
Jensen wants to laugh, chokes a little but does as he’s told. Blood is rushing through his ears, everything seems too loud, too close, but Jared’s words are clear. The ocean’s a good point to focus on, that and Jared’s voice.
The sand crunches beneath his fingers, slides through them and leaves him grabbing for purchase, finds it on strong thighs and a hand grabbing his. Jensen suddenly feels grounded again, then feels the headache pulsing and groans.
“Back with us, Jen?” Danni whispers and he nods. Words are there but he can’t say them. Jared’s still holding his hand, is not letting go.
“Dammit, Jensen,” Jared says but without much anger, more with concern and Jensen focuses on that, hopes to never hear that flat, cold voice again.
“Sorry.”
“No, Jen. I’m sorry,” Danni says, strokes gently through his sweat soaked hair and pulls him into a hug from behind. Jensen can’t stop looking at Jared, though.
“Should've seen that you needed to talk but I was too caught up in everything, the worry. I know how you get and I didn’t see it.” The guilt is there, deep within Jensen. They stay silent for a minute or two. It’s hard to catch his breath, hard to look away from Jared.
“My fault, Danni. It’s okay. I just ... I think I need to talk with Jared now. If he wants to, that is.”
Danni hesitates but lets go of him when Jared nods and moves to sit next to Jensen again. After a moment she leaves them but places a water bottle in his hand. Jensen has no idea what he did to deserve her. Then they just sit there, in the sand with the ocean in front of them and the Florida air around them.
It’s warm, a little breeze and the sand making it impossible to feel anything but wrapped in summer warmth. Jensen would feel good here if it wasn’t for the situation and his pulse skyrocketing again. He thought he was too old for this kind of shit.
“Why?” Jared’s quiet voice startles him a little.
“Saw you taking money from men, twice. And … You … looked so flushed,” Jensen whispers, afraid if he raises his voice Jared would really up and leave.
Jensen lets his toes sink into the sand, lets the coolness of the wet sand beneath seep into his skin. Can’t stand the thought of losing Jared, of being responsible for maybe never really getting to know him. Jensen just can’t wrap his mind around the fact that he might have destroyed everything now. Jared is his muse. No Jared, no songs.
But Jared is so much more. So much more and Jensen's only beginning to understand that. Sitting there, looking at Jared bathed in silvery moonlight is the first time Jensen sees Jared and nothing else. He doesn’t want to let him go, feels his breath catch all over again. Jared saves him, though, before Jensen can think himself into the abyss of his own mind again.
“Songs.” Jared says after a while.
“Uh … what?”
“That’s what I sold, Jensen. Song texts, to artists. That’s what I always look for, in the clubs or bars we stop at. People who try to make music but can’t come up with their own lyrics. I sell them my stuff, all the rights to them as well. Started in college, gets me by. I set up dates, mostly over the internet, sometimes people know me and ask.” Jared shrugs, barely visible in the moonlight, but then Jensen feels it more than he sees it, realizes how close they really are.
“I’m sorry. Really, I don’t even know … Jared, please, don’t leave. It’s good to have you around, actually.” Jensen’s aware that he’s close to begging and he doesn’t really know how he went from having a panic attack to asking Jared to stay.
“You could have asked.”
And that’s true. He could have. He didn’t and now everything is all messed up and not what Jensen wanted. Jensen nods, not trusting his voice. He longs to be back on the buss, curled up in his bunk, earphones on and the noises of the world around them blocked out.
“Please, Jay … I don’t know how to ask. I know, I’ve been an ass. Just, stay?”
“Do me a favour?”
“Sure,” Jensen whispers because right now he’d actually do anything for Jared. It scares him but Jensen's not willing to give into that fear right now.
“Stop bottling shit up. Ask. Talk to me. To someone. I just … You scared me. Not just with your words. Thought you were dying for a minute. And I … I don’t want that. Not ever.” Jared gets up then, grabs his bag and moves. He leaves Jensen sitting there, confused and heart beating double time again.
This is it. He’ll leave and Jensen will lose everything.
“You coming or what?” Jared’s right behind him.
“Huh?”
“You aren’t forgiven. That’ll take a while. We could maybe be friends, some day. Jensen, your words hurt. A lot. But I don’t want to leave. I like this thing, the band, the work. I … well, I like you. So come on, you look like you’ll fall over any second.”
Jensen takes the offered hand, sways a little until Jared steadies him. The sand feels thicker now that he’s aware of it, makes it harder to walk on wobbly legs but he manages. Jensen blushes when they enter the bus and everyone’s just looking at them. Nothing is really solved but at least he knows what’s going on now.
“You’re an asshole,” Chris says but hugs him close anyway, lets go when Steve pushes some pills into Jensen’s chest and tells him to go and lie down. Jensen moves as if in trance not really comprehending what’s going on anymore.
He’s exhausted, so tired and almost closes his eyes halfway to the bunk area. Then he turns and looks at his bandmates, his friends, his family. “I’m sorry.”
Tension hangs in the air for a good while. More so then before. Not only between him and Jared but between him and the others as well. Something's shifted, they tread more carefully around him and Jensen doesn’t know if he should be grateful or angry. It’s yet another dance without rule, new to everyone this time. Jensen stops feeling left out, but it's replaced by the feeling that he owes them all more than he can ever pay back.
Things settle slowly, routines shift. It’s like one of them is on permanent Jensen-watch and it amuses him to some degree.
One day, Sandy sits down next to him when they stop at a diner again. She looks at him for a while, watches him stuffing his face with pancakes and waffles and then smiles. “Haven’t seen you eating this much in a long time. I like it. And Jense? I’m sorry that we put it all on you. It’s our future, not just yours. We know you, should've seen what it does to you and none of us did. I’m sorry.”
She kisses him on the head and leaves him be, he’s glad because she doesn’t see him almost choking on his breakfast. Jared does though and it’s the first time he smiles at Jensen, really smiles again.
No one mentions Jensen’s outburst but everyone is aware of the words hanging between them, unsolved and untouched. No one even dares to poke the topic of the crush and Jensen’s misguided notions about Jared’s professional life.
Chris tries to make fun once but has Jared shutting him up so fast that everyone is kind of stunned and then they never even try to come close to the topic again. It makes Jensen smirk, then tentatively starting to talk to Jared, testing how it goes. It’s not smooth, has stops and unplanned short-cuts, there are misunderstandings and situations where no one knows what to say. Jensen still tries to hide more often then not. And sometimes he's surprised that he can actually talk to Jared instead of just staring at him. But it’s not easy, nowhere close to it.
Lyrics and tunes keep coming, sometimes slow, sometimes so fast that Jensen spends the night hunched over the notebook and sheets without realizing it. Jared, being up before anyone else, usually is the one that finds him with ink stains on his face and crinkled paper stuck to his forehead. The small smiles Jensen gets for it are worth the lack of sleep.
And sometimes Jensen thinks he’s losing his mind all over again. When Jared goes home for a week Jensen can’t come up with a single line of lyrics. The mocking only gets worse after that interlude and Jensen gives up defending himself. Because, it’s obvious what Jared does to him, to his creativity.
But there is nothing going on between them. Jensen hurt Jared and he doesn’t know how to make it up to him, how to really apologize. It’s a dilemma and it shows in his lyrics. So much that Jared finally has enough of it and starts dragging him out almost every night. It’s a surprise the first time bit then it starts to help a little. Only, after a while, Jensen’s crush gets even worse. They start to spend a good deal of time together but it’s never like it was at the club. Jensen tries not to miss it too much.
He’s slowly starting to get to know Jared and he won’t ruin it again.
Then they send “In My Veins” to the label.
They wait a day for any kind of answer and when it comes it’s like tons of stones fall from their hearts and Jensen’s shoulders. The enthusiastic response is more than they hoped for, more than they thought they’d get. Studio time is scheduled, has them flying from St. Paul to New York, leaving Steve and Jared behind on the bus.
When they come back, Jensen doesn’t speak to anybody, hides away in his bunk and bites heads off when they come too close. New York is now a red dot in his bullshit map and he never wants to set foot into this damn studio ever again.
After a day on the road, Jensen has settled down enough to crawl out of his bunk and join the others in the living area. They are all subdued, even Mike doesn’t say much. Then Jared just pulls him close and Jensen lets it happen. He needs this right now, just feeling close to someone and not losing all his hope. Because hope has been there for a while again. So they sit, huddled close and listen to the over-produced crap that was once a song Jensen loved.
It’s what the label wants and due to their contract they have to let it happen. They have no other choice. Jensen hates it. He wants out, wants to be his own man again but he has no idea how to do it or how to get out of the contract on his own. The band has to do it, has to put in their name and pull strings. Jensen, on his own, won’t be able to achieve much of anything.
The label pushes the release, promotes it as the new big single and that a new EP will follow. It tanks spectacularly, doesn’t even make the top twenty.
Jensen longs to call those idiots up and tell them he told them so but Jared steals his cell phone and watches like a hawk over every other phone Jensen comes close to. It'd be kind of funny, but Jensen really doesn’t feel like laughing.
Jensen plays the live version of “In My Veins” in front of a couple of thousand of people in a sold out arena. It’s the first time he feels like he enjoys playing again. The song makes the charts via YouTube and such things, forcing the label to put out the live version as well. It earns them a decent spot on everyone’s agenda and has the media whispering of a comeback and different styles.
It’s after another concert in front of a sold out crowd, when they are all curled up on a hotel room bed or on the floor around it, bottles of beer and champagne empty or still half full on the floor, that Jared asks the question.
“Guess it’s kinda stupid, seeing as you have a contract and all but uh … why aren’t y’all doing your own thing? Producing your own songs and stuff …” He sounds content and when Jensen looks at him from where he’s lying on the floor Jared looks the way.
They're all buzzed, so the first answer Jared gets is a mix of giggles and snorts. Then Mike outright laughs and Jensen joins him.
“No really, I know a guy. JD. He’s got a studio and all, could help y’all getting started.”
It shuts them all up again, because never before has someone bothered to present them with an option like that. Not even their management when they discussed such an idea years earlier.
“Really?” Danni pipes up, still sounding giggly but interested as well.
“Yeah, down in San Antonio. Not a big one but enough for a beginning I guess. He wanted to start a label but never had an idea or the time. Rents the studio out and stuff.” Jared shrugs and moves Jensen’s head where it lies on his stomach. How Jensen ended up in this position is beyond him but it’s comfortable so he stays there.
It should feel weird but it doesn’t. Then Jared’s fingers are carding through his hair and Jensen forgets everything else. Then he remembers the conversation.
“Maybe we should think about it,” is all Jensen says and when there are just grunts and snores he thinks they’ll have to talk later about it. The idea plants itself in his head though.
He falls asleep with Jared’s fingers still in his hair and a soft humming sound underneath his ear.
There’s some kind of routine after a while. Gigs, hotels, road trips, Jensen getting used to finally talking to Jared. But things don’t stay the same. The flirting just happens kind of naturally. Jensen doesn’t realize it until one night when Danni leaves her portfolio open. Subtle or not, Jensen gets it. She's caught them on camera so often that Jensen doesn’t even try to argue her point.
Mike makes Steve stop at every imaginable tourist trap they come across, makes them all get off the bus and take some time off. Jensen finds it ridiculous but starts to see the advantages of it after he watches Jared behaving like a child in a candy store. That laugh does things to him. It also gives Danneel even more source material. It’s just small things but they help a great deal with keeping the tension at a tolerable level.
Then Jared starts to taunt, flirt and basically ends up driving Jensen crazy. Jensen doesn’t answer at all and thus drives everyone else on the bus crazy. They all know that something's up.
The real problem is that he sits down and writes songs and can’t stop. Jared's constantly around and Jensen’s brain thinks it’s the right kind of inspiration. Jensen’s brain also thinks that worrying about his future and writing new songs pretty much cancel each other out.
One day Jensen's so caught up in lyrics that he forgets to eat, the next he can’t sit down long enough to take up a pen because he’s too strung up. The gigs are easier again, after “In My Veins” climbs in the charts and people start to sing along.
Attacks are still there occasionally, they come and go, though mostly taper off into nothing serious after a while. Jared’s always there, right before a gig, talks to Jensen about inane things, mostly about his Idol time, and basically makes it impossible for Jensen to think about anything but Jared.
It’s another new routine, but one Jensen can get behind.
A week before Halloween and they're on the way home from New York. Jensen accidentally engages in a creative discussion with Jared and realizes that they are a great team. It all starts with Jared being adorably shy. From there on, though, everything goes downhill and Jensen doesn’t know how to stop it.
Jared’s humming, mumbling the words, pen scratching on paper, when Jensen comes from the back of the bus. It’s a picture to commit to memory, Jensen thinks. Jared’s t-shirt has ridden up a little where he sits hunched over and golden-brown skin lurks, taunting Jensen.
The sun is just in the right position to cast an ethereal glow over everything – including Jared – and Jensen is pretty sure he’s never seen anything more beautiful. The tunes float up to him, tunes Jared’s humming but something doesn’t sound right. Something doesn’t fit and Jensen isn’t sure what until Jared starts to sing the words.
Where infant eyes deceive,
I reach to my reflection,
But is it really me,
Then he knows what it is.
“It’s too slow.”
Jared’s head snaps up, eyes wide, too wide. Just for a second Jensen thinks Jared will scold him for sneaking up like that. But instead he receives a smile, brilliant and honest, and Jensen can only stare.
“What?”
“It’s too slow. The rhythm, the music. You set it up as a ballad but it feels like it isn’t.” Jensen moves, sits down next to Jared. It’s weird, feels right at the same time but strange in so many other ways.
“Uh ... yeah. Was supposed to be a ballad. You think it should be faster?” Jared sounds excited now, like Jensen might have the right idea but he doesn’t know how to get there.
“Show me. The whole song or what you have so far.” Jensen wants to hear it, wants to know what Jared can do. He’s curious in a way he hasn’t been before.
On impulse, Jensen picks up his guitar, strums along with Jared’s humming. Finds the melody hiding among the words. It takes him a while to get an idea, to see where this song should go and he keeps up with Jared’s pace a little longer. Then he just sets out faster, changes a quarter note here and there but keeps the rhythm and beat. He keeps playing when he hears Jared matching his pace with the words and volume.
It draws the rest of the band out from where they've been hiding in the bus. Jensen plays on, smiles when Jared scratches out notes and changes them according to their pace. Then suddenly it sounds great, like it finally fits, like it’s a song instead of just words and notes. Danni grabs the paper when Jared’s done and sets in when Jensen starts another go-through.
But I can feel the breeze,
Its coming through my window,
Its moving all around me,
And I cant see the Hand no,
That pulls me to my knees,
But when I meet my shadow,
I see gravity,
"Gravity"
The last of the song fades away. Chris is grinning like mad, so is Mike. Danni and Sandy just look knowingly at Jensen, who sits there stunned and maybe a little proud as well.
“Wow,” Jared whispers. When Jensen finally looks at him he can see the surprise and wonder shining in hazel eyes.
“Yes.” Jensen agrees, smiles his first real smile at Jared since that night in the club. Jared blushes and ducks his head and for the millionth time Jensen is caught up in it.
“Maybe … well, I think we should call this JD guy and talk to him after all.” It’s Mike, voice low and looking out of the window instead of at any them. Mike, who has fought the idea to leave the label from the get go.
The surprise is written on all their faces and Mike knows it.
“It’s just … Jared can actually write songs. It sounds great. But do we really want them to be produced into something we hate. Like with “In My Veins”? I don’t." He pauses, then, "just saying.” Mike shrugs and looks down at his lap where his drum sticks lay and strokes them gently.
No one says a word but Jensen knows they're all thinking the same. Jared’s pressed against him now, having made space for Danni. The air around them is charged but with hope now instead of worry and tension.
Jensen doesn’t move away, keeps Jared close and looks right at Danni when she raises her eyebrows.
The bottle of Jack on the table doesn’t last long, neither does the pot Mike keeps stashed.
Part IV
