Fic: "What about now (What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be)" PART 3

[icebear_cw]

5.

What if our love never went away,
What if it’s lost behind words we could never find,
Baby, before it’s too late,
What about now.


They win two and tie one of their away games before the Thanksgiving break and things within the team seem to have settled down. There are no more fights and Jared finally seems to be part of the team as well, even talks with some of the guys and joins them on outings.

Tom and Doug keep quiet, they only glare and glower at everybody and everything. But Jensen thinks it’s not so bad and leaves them be. Others on the team don’t seem to be too keen on keeping Jensen sane though. Chad gets them stranded in Maine after the last of the two away games.

Jared took a hit into the ribs during the game and Jensen had sat him down to ice it. He’d asked Chad to tell JD, to make the bus wait if necessary. Jensen should have known not to trust such an important task to someone who runs around in an eagle costume because he thinks women fall over themselves for it.

Jensen makes Jared laugh with stories about the ways Chad already used the costume and gets hit over the head for his troubles. Jared growls and hisses a little when Jensen applies some more of the cooling cream.

Jensen also desperately tries not to get too stuck on Jared’s chest right in front of his eyes or the fact that he’s basically kneeling between Jared’s thighs. It’s not really a good moment anyway, with the team waiting and them being in a locker room.

He’s wrapping tape around Jared’s sides when Chad stumbles into the room. He looks ruffled, feathers and hair alike. Cheeks flushed and lips swollen. Jensen blinks and lets the dread spread in his chest.

“Dude, those chicks really dig the Eagle,” Chad crows.

Jared coughs a laugh. Jensen feels it under his fingers, feels the muscles and skin move. He’s not stroking Jared’s skin. Not at all. And Jared isn’t looking at him in a way that says he knows what Jensen is doing.

Jensen sucks in a breath, feels like his finger tips are burning, like his face is aflame. But he doesn’t duck his head, looks straight at Jared and smiles.

“Dudes! Are you done eye-fucking each other? We need to get on the bus,” Chad blurts into the silence and makes Jensen jerk with the loudness of the voice echoing in the empty locker room. The moment is broken, though not entirely destroyed.

Jared’s still smiling.

The second they step outside Jensen’s ready to hit Chad. Hard. Very hard.

“Chad? Where’s the bus?”

“Not here?” Chad sounds sheepish and maybe even a little sorry. Jared just snorts and drops his heavy bag onto the cold ground. It has been raining the last few days and it’s not exactly dry now either.

“Oh really? And why is the bus not here?” Jensen is fuming but at the same time he finds it rather hilarious that his own team forgot to check if he was on the bus.

“Uhm… Man, this chick was really hot and I thought I still had time, you know? Just.. I
‘m sorry. Really.”

Jared has his cell phone out already, talking to JD and frowning. This doesn’t look good for them. Jensen waits on the verdict and wants to hit Chad all over again when Jared hangs up and shrugs.

“They’re thirty minutes out already and JD doesn’t know where they can turn around.”

“You guys stuck?”

Jensen whirls around and grins, hugs Danneel close and doesn’t let go for a while. He doesn’t know what’s up with him but he really needed a hug. Jared pats him on the back and grins. Chad looks put upon and rubs his head.

Jared did what Jensen has been wanting to do, hit smacked Chad. Hard.

“Man, said I was sorry,” he grumbles. “And Danni is here, so where is the problem?”

Jensen just rolls his eyes and turns back towards Danneel.

“Why are you here? Not that I mind because you are saving our asses right now. But you usually don’t come to away games. Something up?”

“Let’s just say I needed to get away for the weekend.” Danneel sounds tired, looks the way too. Jensen can only imagine what’s up but this is not the time or the place to really talk about it.

“So, you guys need a ride huh? Good thing I waited around when I didn’t see you getting on the bus. So, road trip?” Danneel sounds way too cheerful for Jensen’s taste and daring a look at Jared he isn’t the only one thinking so. Well, he guesses going on a road trip with your best friends beats sitting at home shoveling ice cream. And it’s way less clichéd, too.

“Road trip it is.” Jensen hefts his and Jared’s bag over his shoulders and doesn’t even try to pretend he’s listening to Jared’s protests. The second the bags are in Danneel’s trunk though he lets himself sack against the side of the car. There have to bricks in the bag.

Jared just smirks but doesn’t comment.

Jensen calls JD, tells him they have a ride and hangs up in the middle of a rant of epic proportions, but not before he gets a word in about being left behind.

“Dude, you won’t fit into the car in this,” Jared sounds amused and Chad looks a little indignant. But in the end he has to strip down to his thermals and t-shirt in the middle of the parking lot. Jensen thinks they are lucky that most of the spectators have already left. The eagle vanishes in the trunk as well, despite every single loudly worded protest from Chad.

Sometimes Jensen thinks Chad’s way to attached to that bird. He shudders a little at that thought and is eternally grateful for Chad actually wearing something underneath. He’s seen proof that it’s not the case during summer camp.

Chad claims shotgun much to Jared’s dismay and Jensen’s silent glee. It forces Jared into the backseat with Jensen and Jensen so doesn’t let his mind wander away with that fact. Jared’s grumbling about Danneel’s mini version of car and earns a smack himself. Chad’s all for it, of course.

They get on the road and it’s like any other road trip Jensen’s had with his family when he was a child. It’s nice to have it with his friends, though. They joke around, play stupid guessing games and watch the sun sink lower and lower on the horizon.

Chad’s bored after only a few minutes though and changes topics every so often. Jensen smirks when he sess Jared’s face at one of Chad’s questions. Chad’s in for some verbal match, he just doesn’t know it yet.

“So, what about those Cowboys, Jay? You Texans must love them,” Chad asks and it makes even Danneel snort. Jensen blinks, tries to hold back another snort and waits for Jared to answer.

"Uh...I don't watch football all that much. Actually, I never watch football if I can help it. I just... it's not my sport."

And Jensen has to bite his lip very, very hard. It’s a blatant lie. Jared and him have ranted about the last Super Bowl and the current season often enough. Jared is playing Chad. Jensen loves the fact that Chad doesn’t even seem to realize it.

"What? And the next thing you tell me is that you watch soccer instead,” Chad sounds shocked. Jensen tries not to destroy Jared’s game and clamps his hand over his mouth, looks out of the window instead of at Jared.

"Uh.. well.. yeah?" It’s really sort of cute how confused Jared sounds right now, as if he doesn’t know what’s wrong about watching soccer. Not that there is, because Jensen has to admit that he likes it and he knows Jared’s looking forward to the World Cup next year.

"Man, you've been in Europe too long," Chad huffs and now Jensen really does snort. This is so Chad, always clinging to old clichés. Jensen can imagine what comes next.

"Why? We have perfectly good soccer clubs and teams in the US as well.”

Jensen looks over now, takes in the way Jared’s forehead is creased in a frown and how his eyes are narrowed. Jared is playing Chad but that doesn’t mean Jared isn’t taking it serious as well.

"Yeah, women's clubs."

"So? And dude, you are so behind," now it’s Jared who huffs.

"Dude, you're gay. Why would you want to watch 90 minutes of a ball being kicked into the net to wait that they take their shirts off? They are women."

Jensen actually blinks at the way Chad just blurts it out and at how there is a non-reaction from Jared. Jared just rolls his eyes and Jensen loves the fact that Jared feels comfortable with all of them to just let it happen.

"First of all.. God, Chad, how sexist of you. Secondly, the girls play really great and it’s a nice sport. Thirdly, our men are getting better and better every year. And well, same argument about the shirts works for the men's game, too, you know.." Jared smirks. He’s got Chad right where he wants him

"Just… yeah. No."

“And for someone not watching soccer you know a lot about it.”

“Bite me.”

“You got yourself into this one Chad,” Jared laughs but lets it go because Chad actually pouts and Jared seems to find that way too surprising to say anything about it. Jensen lets the laughter go that has been building up inside of him.

Jared grins and Jensen can see Danneel in the rear-view mirror, doing the same.







Jensen goads Jared into an argument about which penguin tumbler is the manliest half way through the journey, mostly because he’s bored and Jared looks about to fall asleep. Danneel tells them to stuff it because she’s laughing so hard she can’t see the road through her tears.

Chad found a bag of snack peanuts somewhere and is happily munching on them. Jensen doesn’t even try to figure out where they came from because Danneel’s car looks shiny from the outside and like a pigsty from within. The sight of Chad shoving handful of peanuts into his mouth has Jensen’s stomach rumble.

And Jared’s apparently in tune with his. They both smirk at the exasperated sighs from the front of the car. It’s not too late and they agree to stop for dinner along the way and then maybe hit a bar around campus. It’s Saturday after all and they’ll have the day off tomorrow.

They do stop at a roadside dinner when Jared rambles on and on about cheeseburgers and Jared’s stomach manages to be louder than the car’s engine. Danneel looks actually a bit scared but then wanders off to the counter and drags Chad with here. Yeah, so subtlety has never been one of her most prominent features.

“Subtle,” Jared deadpans as he moves into the booth they have chosen. Jensen tries not to feel too gleeful when their knees touch beneath the table and neither of them moves away.

“Very,” Jensen says. He has no idea what’s going on but Danneel seems to be ordering for them already and Jensen wonders why she didn’t let the waitress come to their table. Something is going on.

Jared’s going through the menu anyway, probably wanting to add to whatever Danneel ends up ordering. One thing Jensen has learned since Jared started joining him during meals is that the guy’s appetite is something supernatural and that when Jared has the chance, he turns into a total dork, rambling about the merits of good food and sustenance. Then there was the time Jared actually added that he was still a growing boy. He actually managed to shut everyone at the table up for a good measure of time. Jensen still grins at the dumbfounded look on Chad’s face.

“So, captain, my captain. Those games were good. Haven’t seen the team like this before,” Jared says, sounding curious and maybe even proud. Jensen’s still stuck on the ‘my captain’ thing, it does things to him that really, really aren’t appropriate for this place.

“Yeah. I think the team’s settling. Took us a while but we’re playing as a team now. Started to wonder where that spirit went off too. I thought I sucked as captain. Guess I did for a while.”

Jared nods, thoughtful and not at all trying to tell Jensen that it isn’t true and that he’s a good captain. Jensen appreciates it. It makes him like Jared even more.

“How long you been captain?”

“This is my second year. I know it's not really a C there but I'm still captain ... So… guess I should know how to work it. How to do it. It’s just.. seems like I’m not really into it. Something’s missing. Something major and I don’t know what it is.”

Jensen also doesn’t know why he’s suddenly talking about it. He never did before, never knew how. Not even JD knows what’s really going on in Jensen’s head. There’s something about the way Jared talks to him, interested and not condescending - like Jensen fears others might react. He doesn’t tell Jensen what to do or what to think, and that makes Jensen just want to talk more.

“How did you start playing anyway?”

“Oh, by accident I’d say. My brother was a huge Dallas Stars fan. He tried out and played in a junior team for them. I just wasn’t interested, tagged along with my momma. One day the really small ones needed someone in the net. Asked me and I was bored. So I stood there and caught puck after puck. Stayed on. How did you start?” Jensen doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, it makes him think too much, feel too much.

Jared picks up on it and doesn’t comment on the obvious change of topic.

“Grew up in San Antonio and only started playing in D.C. It was something I was allowed to do and my mom thought she could get my restlessness under control that way. Always looked for a new team when we moved. It was like a home, the team. I sometimes felt like I had no other,” Jared says with something close to melancholy.

“You know, I left Texas when I was about ten. But I always come back for holidays and vacation. It’s home to me. My family is still there. Grandparents and some friends. I was thinking about going back but then JD came up with the offer to play here and I… I couldn’t resist. My momma still spends most of her time thinking about settling down in Texas again. My brother went back, works in Austin. My sister is trying for UT. So yeah, you could say we are still sort of homebound. I miss it. New York is so very different. Boston is something else entirely and really no one can compare Finland to any of these places.”

“I get it, Jay. I do. Played for the Stars junior team all through high school, got a scholarship for Boston and just went on playing. It felt right. I felt good, free, away from my family. Was my own man. I think I somehow lost that feeling along the way. I.. I think I want to go home.”

Jared eyes him, from under his bangs that keep flopping back into his face and that Jensen always wants to tuck behind Jared’s ears so that he can see those expressive eyes. Jared’s eyes sort of underline the old saying that the soul lies right there. Jensen cringes at his own pathetic thoughts but doesn’t care anymore. He’s getting used to them creeping up on him at inopportune times.

Jared doesn’t say anything for a while and Jensen fears he’s crossed another line. Which would be typical since Jensen doesn’t seem to have a mouth-brain-filter when he’s close to Jared. He either rambles about the strangest things or says things so serious that he wonders why he even dares to open his mouth when Jared’s there.

“What’s missing?”

It’s a simple question. Should be simple to answer. But right there, in a small roadside dinner with Jared across him, looking like he can see Jensen’s deepest secrets all displayed on his face, Jensen doesn’t know how to answer it. Cracked Formica under his fingertips, like puzzle pieces fitted together the wrong way. It’s a perfect metaphor for Jensen’s relationship with hockey right now. Some pieces fit, some don’t, some are missing even. But it still looks like a good enough picture on the outside.

Ocean green, maybe even some hazel, that’s what Jared’s eyes look like right now when Jensen looks up again, momentarily lost in thoughts. And Jensen could get lost in those eyes as well. Is close to actually, when Jared tabs his shin with his foot.

“Huh?”

“What’s missing?” Jared asks again, smiling a little, as if he knows what Jensen’s been thinking about.

“Oh. Just… a feeling. I miss feeling all happy and elated. I’m happy most of the time when I’m on the ice. Just not like before. Not like it’s all I can think of and want my life build around it,” Jensen sighs. He’s not good with talking about stuff. And yet, Jared makes him want to. It scares him a little.

“A feeling? That makes sense in a way. Is there something else on your mind? Distracting you maybe? I don’t…. I’m sorry. I don’t wanna pry,” Jared actually looks embarrassed, starts to play with one of the straws Danneel had placed on their table before vanishing again.

“No. That’s… It’s okay. I should probably talk about it. Just.. I never do. It’s in my head, doesn’t matter.. shouldn’t matter. But.. I like that you asked. No one did before.”

Jared smiles all bright and happy then, like Jensen handed him the best present ever or something. Jensen feels himself flush with embarrassment and excitement. Jared does things to him he can’t explain. His reactions towards his roommate are very unusual to say the least.

“Maybe you need something new? Something that makes you feel again?” Jared shrugs and watches Chad and Danneel juggle trays of food as they walk toward their booth. He gets up and helps them, then wanders off towards the counter and leaves Jensen sort of floundering.

Jensen’s not used to feeling like this. It makes him self-conscious.

“You okay? You look a little feverish,” Danneel smirks at him from across the table. And great, now he has to sit next to Chad and deal with his non-existent table manners. He’ll end up covered in fries and salad again. He just knows it. He groans and rolls his eyes at Danneel and the way she outright grins back at him that she’d strategically planned it.

Chad’s nowhere to be seen but neither is the young waitress Jensen glimpsed when they walked into the dinner. Jensen rolls his eyes one more time, hard and facepalms. Great, now they have to wait for Chad to be done and then maybe even stage a fast escape.

“’M good,” he mumbles into his hand. “You?” He almost adds as an afterthought and feels bad for it. He’s sort of lost the red line connected to Danneel’s life over the last few weeks. He silently vows to be a better friend again, to keep track of her life.

“Yes. I’m fine, Jensen. Don’t worry.” And it’s too smooth, too hesitant at first. Jensen knows it’s a lie.

“Danni? I might suck as a friend and human being right now but I’m asking. And I.. might not deserve it but… What’s going on? You came to an away game, on a Saturday, without telling anybody.” Jensen has been waiting to address that ever since Danneel offered a ride home. Not that he isn’t grateful for her being there, would have sucked to have to find a way home without her, but he still wants to know what’s up.

Jensen hates feeling clueless. He’s had that way too often lately.

Danneel smiles a little, sad and tired, looks around the dinner and when she’s certain that no one is on the way or close to them she looks Jensen in the eyes.

“I.. broke up with Riley. It.. it wasn’t working. Too much heartbreak and no real love there. It was just… just sex now. We didn’t even talk anymore. And I… there might.. I… God, I hate that this makes me a blubbering imbecile.”

Jensen blinks because he hasn’t seen Danneel this flustered or this sad in quite a while. He’d hoped that he’d never have to see it again after the debacle in Freshmen year. His heart breaks a little and he wants to just get up and hug her. He knows it wouldn’t be appreciated. Danneel isn’t like that. She takes her hugs and support when she wants and needs it.

“I think there might be someone else. For.. both of us?” Danneel says. She sounds strong again, sure of what she says even though she’s worded it like a question.

“Okay. So, this someone else? It’s serious?” Jensen feels a little stung that he’s only getting to know it now but then again he knows he has no right to feel this way. He’s the one losing sight of his friends, has been for a while, not in the least due to his own hormones and feelings. Danneel seems to know it and she pats his hand, squeezes it and things are good between them.

“It’s okay, Jen. I get it. But yeah, serious.. maybe. I don’t know… just maybe.”

“Gonna tell me who?” Jensen is actually curious now.

“Uhm, we… I called him earlier. To meet up with us at the bar.” Danneel actually blushes. This is such a rare sight that Jensen actually thinks about taking his cell phone out and taking a picture. He can be mean like that, just not right now.

“Misha? Really?” Jensen is a little stunned. It’s going so fast, not something he’s seen happening right now. Danneel nods, hides her smile when Jared plops back down, but this time not next to her into his old seat but right next to Jensen. Danneel smirks now. Yeah, all planned out. But Jensen likes this outcome way more.

Danneel looks happy now, still tired and a little strained but happy nonetheless. She deserves it after putting up with him. But really, Danneel and Misha. He wants a first row seat when things explode. Either way. He wants her to be happy. It also means that she will officially break up with him after the weekend and Jensen feels a little weird about it.

“You are breaking up with me then?” He pouts.

“Oh shut up Jenny. It’s not like you were all that faithful to me.”

Jensen jumps when Jared laughs all booming. He looks at Jared and takes in the view that presents itself to him. Jared is beautiful like this. Head thrown back, eyes happy and sparkly, mouth open wide with laughter. Jensen is enthralled. Danneel knows it. Jensen doesn’t care.

They eat and Jensen doesn’t even try to comment on Jared anymore, he just steals some cheesecake in the end. And really, Jared just holding the fork out for him is way too cheesy. Chad doesn’t show up until after they are done, looks all rumbled and just takes his burger to go. No one says anything but three of the four in their group roll their eyes.

The rest of the drive back to Boston is quiet, subdued even, but Jensen doesn’t know why. It’s a strange atmosphere in the car and he finds himself opening his mouth more than once but never going through with it. All the topics, all the things he can think of saying out loud sound stupid, way too sarcastic or outright mean. So Jensen doesn’t say anything.

He lets the view, a mix of dark landscape intercepted with flashes of light and color, entrance him. Sags back into the seat and doesn’t even realize when he closes his eyes. He’s so tired all of a sudden. Emotionally and physically.

“You good?” Jared’s voice is gentle, quite and very close.

“Fine. Tired. Exhausted. Thinking about grad school and where I want to go.” And again Jared makes him say things, things hidden deep, deep down in the back of his mind. Jared seems to dig them all up.

“Grad school? You plan on doing that, huh? No more hockey then. Professional hockey even?” Jared doesn’t sound angry or anything, not that he should be. Jensen had expected it though. He knows he’s got the talent to maybe make it in the professional circus, even had offers. Good offers. It’s just not what he wants. Jensen knows that now.

“Yes. School. I.. I don’t know,” Jensen whispers, opens his eyes and looks at Jared. They are close, noses almost touching and it feels intimate like nothing else has before. Danneel has the radio on, music flows, sets the tune. Chad’s snoring in the front seat. Danneel’s humming along, which Jensen would find hilarious if he wasn’t so focused on Jared. They are in their own little bubble right now. Just them. Just this.

“Maybe this is what’s missing? That you already have a future set up?” Jared asks, sincere and curious.

“Maybe. I… don’t know when it changed. The prospect of having my own company maybe or going back home, being close to my family again. Maybe it’s this,” Jensen whispers.

Lips are almost touching now, Jensen can feel hot tufts of breath on his skin. Jared’s so close and Jensen just has to move. A tiny move and it would be a first step. Only Jensen is a coward and doesn’t dare to do it.

They stay like this, in their bubble, not moving. Until Danneel calls out that they are there. Jensen doesn’t jump away but he flinches at Danneel’s voice. Jared seems to take it in a stride though, smiles gently at Jensen and gets out of the car. Jensen meets Daneel’s eyes in the rearview mirror.

“Shut up.”

“Didn’t say a word.” Her look alone, though, is enough. She doesn’t need to say anything. Jensen tries to calm his thudding heart, tries to get his mind back. He has a hard time gaining back just minimal control over his body or mind. And Jared looks way too smug when Jensen meets him outside the bar’s entrance.







They meet Misha and Sophia inside. Jensen doesn’t even pretend to not feel guilty about forgetting to call Chris or Steve. Then he remembers they are on a gig anyway and huffs a sigh.

The bar is smoky but not overly so. It’s cozy in a strange way and one of their favorite hang outs. Wooden walls but marble counter. It’s all contrast and clashes of styles inside. Jensen likes it, his artist’s eye catches the different meanings, the styles and breaks. He likes discussing it with the owner of the bar when he’s manning the counter himself.

Tonight though it’s just Alona and Jensen smiles at her when she sees them coming in. She holds up a tab and Jensen nods. Even though he felt drained in the car he needs something tonight. Not necessarily drinks but some kind of distraction.

He gets it in ways he would have liked to avoid. It’s close to midnight and they have been here for over an hour now. Chad’s already three sheets to the wind and Sophia is laughing her ass off about his antics. Danneel and Misha vanished into a dark corner of the bar and Jensen really doesn’t want to know what they’re doing. He’s always had a lively imagination and there are things he doesn’t want to have in his mind. But he does wonder if this is their first serious date.

Jensen is perched on a high chair close to the edge of the bar, Jared’s close but focused on a game of darts that’s going on across the room. They’ve talked a lot, settled into something comfortable between them and right now Jensen is okay with just watching Jared.

He’s getting used to being the sole focus of Jared’s attention but watching Jared directing that focus onto something else is equally enthralling. Jensen realizes that he’s been doing that ever since the first time he saw Jared on the ice. Fierce and focused, a mountain against the other team’s forward lines.

It takes Jensen a while but when he realizes that he isn’t alone at his side of the bar anymore he curses himself for getting so lost in thoughts. This is a bar after all and he really shouldn’t sit there and moon over a guy, who’s across the room now playing darts himself.

“Hi.” The guy says and Jensen is already trying to come up with an excuse to get away. He doesn’t necessarily want to be rude but he can be mean. Jensen tries not to roll his eyes but he fidgets on his chair.

“Hi,” Jensen answers flatly, resigned. His brain’s too tired to come up with something witty and cool. The guy smiles, smarmy and way over the top. He looks twinky but all styled and not really Jensen’s type. Not at all.

“You look interesting. Do you have some Spanish in you?” The guy asks and Jensen blinks. Because really?

“Uhm… no?”

“Wanna have some?” The guy leers and moves closer.

“Dude!”

Jared’s there… suddenly, like a knight in shining armor. Jensen’s really grateful and really kind of flustered. He’s never been hit on so blatantly before, at least not in such an almost offensive way and he’s not really awake enough to react appropriately.

Then Jared’s arm is around him, pulls him close and he can see the guy’s face close off and Jensen can’t help but lean into Jared some more. They are out in the open, in public and Jensen couldn’t care less. Right this second he doesn’t care at all if someone sees them, someone of the team or from school.

Jared’s voice rumbles close to Jensen’s ear but it’s loud enough for the other guy to hear it clearly. And clear it is, in every intent and meaning. Still Jensen chokes a little at Jared’s next words.

“He’s already got some Texan. Plenty enough.” The implied ‘in him’ is loud and clear. Jensen doesn’t blush. No. Jensen’s face explodes in red and for a second he’s actually speechless. But then he can’t do anything but let the laughter out that is bubbling up in his chest. He laughs and clings to Jared. This is really kind of awesome. And very, very embarrassing at the same time.

The guy’s face alone is worth it. He splutters, gapes and obviously tries to find words for the unbelievable rejection he just suffered. Jensen thinks he looks like a blown-up dick, head all red and purple. It just sends Jensen off again and he has to hide his face in Jared’s neck. The guy stomps off, cursing in Spanish and Jensen thinks it serves him right, getting his own words thrown right back at him this way.

“Oh my God. That was… just… God, that was so bad.” Jensen mumbles into Jared’s skin and feels a thrill go down his spine at the shiver that Jared can’t suppress. Jared’s laughing, too now. Deep, rich and free.

Jensen gets lost in the sound for a bit and doesn’t move away from Jared. He loves Jared this close, loves that he can smell the shower gel on Jared’s skin and the ‘just Jared’ scent underneath.

“Wanna get out of here?” Jared asks and Jensen can’t do anything but nod. He’s not sure he could utter a single word right now even if he had to.







Jensen lets himself be dragged across the campus, watches Jared jumps steps and over railings but doesn’t really pay attention. He just wants his bed. Right now. He’s so tired that he doesn’t even realize that Jared’s taking a turn where he isn’t supposed to.

They end up at a rink again. Their own this time.

Jensen is a little buzzed and tired. Just the view of the empty rink makes his head spin. The white of the ice under the emergency lights Jared had switched on blurs a little and he grabs onto the side panel, watches Jared sliding over the ice, arms spread wide and a smile on his face.

Jensen remembers feeling like this once. Free. Carefree even. It’s been a while since that sight – white ice - that the feeling of the cold, frozen water beneath him made him feel happy. It used to be the center of his life, everything he could think of, everything he wanted.

“Come on, Jen. Just let’s be on the ice for one last slide today. I think you need it.”

Jensen doesn’t know what Jared means by this but steps on the ice nonetheless. He wants to be close to Jared again. Misses the warmth and the arms around him, feels suddenly alone and a little lost.

The second he reaches Jared in the middle of the ice - the dropping point, red and blue underneath them - the colors blur and Jensen grabs onto to Jared, feels himself being pulled close, against a strong chest. Their own intimate bubble again.

He looks around, sees what has been his ‘home’ for years now. The empty rink looks lost to his eyes now, nothing compared to when a game is going on. It’s too quiet, too empty. But it’s peaceful too.

His slides his shoes over the ice, feels it slippery underneath his soles and suddenly knows what he’s lost along the way. The love is gone and he has been fighting getting it back for quite some time now. Jensen gasps, looks up at Jared and sees that Jared gets it the second their eyes meet.

A door crashes open and they spring apart. Jensen’s heart is in his throat, blood rushing in his ears but he’s still holding on to Jared, not letting go. And he can see that it’s confusing Jared. There’s something in Jared’s eyes that tells Jensen that Jared expected him to pull away, to run and never look back.

“What the fuck?” Welling shouts and Jensen actually flinches. This is definitely not how he wanted to end the day.

“Jensen?”

“Yeah, Tom,” Jensen sighs and turns around. Tom is there, so is Doug. They sway, look a little out of it and Jensen knows they’ll be trouble should he or Jared give them any reason to. So Jensen just turns again and grabs Jared’s arm, guides him off the ice at the other and towards the exit.

“What were ya guys doing?” Doug slurs and Jensen can feel two pairs of eyes burning into his back and the way Jared stiffens next to him he knows Jared feels it, too.

They pass Doug and Tom and this time it’s Jared holding Jensen back when ‘faggot’ is slurred at them. Jared’s hand digs deep into his arm, there will be bruises but Jensen doesn’t care. He feels murderous. The walk back to their room is silent. Tense. And Jensen mourns the lost moment between them.


Part 3 Continued

Comments

Re: 

[the_milky_way]

Thank you. :D