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What about now (What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be)
1. August
Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying
Can we see beyond the stars?
And make it to the dawn?
Sprawling green interspersed with a variety of other colors and the cool blue of a fountain. Spaces sun-flooded already despite the early morning seem peaceful, gray brick buildings perfectly fit into the picture of wide open places and blue sky that promises freedom.
These are the first things he registers when he gets out of the car. It looks like every other campus he’s seen in his life and, for a second, he wonders if this will really be the place to start anew, if this will be his chance.
A second look around and he smiles a little. This place looks promising, has his mind already creating paths. He takes in the railings on the steps leading down to one of the quads – he's already read in the brochures that there are several on campus – looks at the benches and low walls surrounding the flowers beds on the green.
His legs twitch, his fingers clench and he has to keep himself from just dropping his bags and running. The jumps are there in his mind, the vaults and flips, everything is there. But it’s his first day and he’s not willing to take that risk. He has to get familiar with the campus first, with the people. He’s not messing up on the first day. Not again.
His dad pats him on the back, not a word's been said since they left the airport, and drops the last bag next to the other two already on the floor. They look at each other awkwardly for several minutes, neither sure what to say, either due to the lack of words or due to the lack of interest.
He gets a ‘son, be well’ from his dad and then just sees the tail of the rental vanishing through the gate. Well, at least someone actually brought him here instead of sending the driver with him, which wouldn’t have made much difference in the end but still. He briefly thinks of the tearful goodbye his momma gave him and is really glad his dad has never been one to show his feelings openly.
He grabs his bags and starts walking, map of campus in his hand and eyes wide open for everything around him.
He is 19 years old and this is supposed to be the first day of his new life.
He wonders how long it will take people to recognize him, how long it will take them to start whispering.
First day of the semester and he’s freaking late. Like really, really late. It’s not even his fault, but he knows Kripke won’t even listen to it anyway. He’ll just ground Jensen or whatever he’s allowed to do to make Jensen’s life really miserable.
Jensen wonders why he’s still taking Kripke’s classes. Oh right, because this man is the only one teaching the exact courses Jensen needs. And he needs them like he only needs coffee on a good day. At least he could register for the class before the whole damn system crashed and he had to run across campus to get into the last open lit course. Two days on campus and he’s already stressed beyond belief. Jensen needs the credits to be done and finally be able to apply for graduation.
Just thinking of graduation makes him nauseous.
It’s not the fact that he’ll be done with school, but instead it's the ‘after’ that scares him to death. He has so many options and he hasn’t really thought about a single one of them yet.
Of course, no one’s really helpful when he asks. It’s all ‘oh honey, you have to decide that for yourself, it’s your life’ with his mother and ‘son, do what you really want to do and what you know you can do. Just as long as it makes you happy’ with his father. His siblings are surprisingly mute on the topic but then again, Jensen thinks, they're tired of him whining over the phone. Going to a school that puts a continent between his family and him has its advantages.
Anyway, there's no time for this line of thought right now since he’s really late. So he runs. He can run, he’s an athlete after all. It’s just that sometimes he's a little single-minded when he runs, like he's too focused on the puck, even if there isn’t one.
So of course he crashes into something very solid and warm when he tries to round the last corner into the hallway that leads to the room which might possibly represent Jensen's entire future. Well, at least that's what he thinks. Or maybe he’s just a little concussed after the impact, Jensen’s not really sure.
“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” Jensen forces out, still trying to catch his breath. See, he can run, but that doesn’t mean he's in the best condition to do so early in the morning. And really, who the hell holds a class at 7.30 a-fucking-m? That should be forbidden. But then it’s Kripke, and Kripke likes to torture students, so of course he’d have to give a lecture in the middle of the night. Of course he would.
“This Kripke guy seems to be a lovely person.” A voice deep and amused sort of breathes into Jensen’s ear. Oh, and he’s still standing sort of pressed into this something solid and very warm. Turns out it’s actually a body and it belongs to the deep and amused voice. Go figure. Also, Jensen rambled out loud instead of in his mind. Great. Way to make a first impression.
“Uh yeah. God man, I am really sorry.” Jensen steps back and freezes. The sight in front of him? Stunning. Floppy brown hair, tanned skin, dimples, multi-colored eyes and did he mention dimples. So yes, stunning in a lot of ways. Also, very tall. Like tall enough to manhandle Jensen and he's so not thinking about this right now.
Again, stunning. And yeah, it’s the only word Jensen can come up with that doesn’t sound totally girlish, idiotic or sort of gay. Jensen is none of these, well okay maybe not the first one and a little bit of the last one. But still, the guy standing there - grasping Jensen’s shoulders - really is stunning in a very guyish and platonic way. Jensen's so not the type for instant attraction, he'd go to hell before calling some guy he doesn’t even know gorgeous. Though he is, gorgeous that is.
“’S okay. I guess you were in a hurry?” It’s clearly a question even though they both know that Jensen almost mowed him down, which seems really ridiculous right now because mowing down a brick wall is something Jensen’s pretty sure is impossible, at least for him.
“Yeah. Oh, God. Late. I mean, I'm late. And I’d love to chat but gotta run. Sorry, didn’t hurt you, right? Of course not, you’re build like a brick wall or something. And with that I'm gone. Uhm…. See ya around.” He actually pats the guy on the chest. On the chest! With his hands flat out and patting. Yeah, Jensen sort of jumps, jolts like he's been burned, takes his hands away and turns on his heel.
Jensen doesn’t even wait for an answer, just takes off. He’s not even sure there's one that wouldn’t consist either mocking him or asking him if he’s a little touched in the head. Because that? That wasn’t one of his brightest moments.
Jensen looks back though, once. Just a little peek over his shoulder and frowns when he sees the guy pick up two huge bags, a duffel and a messenger bag. So the guy is new. Must have dropped the bags when Jensen plowed into him. Interesting.
Jensen starts to run again, this time a little more mindful of his surroundings. With the last of his non-existent morning energy Jensen sprints down the hallway towards Kripke’s lecture room and curses when he has to veer around someone with a book cart.
He clutches his red penguin tumbler tight against his chest, because he couldn’t not stop at Starbucks and get the free refill on his fully stamped customer card. Shut up, he loves penguins and coffee, so it was a valid decision process that made him choose this one.
Jensen thinks the guy in the hallway, the solid brick wall, didn’t even see it. Or so he hopes, because yeah, he can admit that it might be a tad girly and a bit embarrassing. Still, it’s a cool tumbler and he still needs it to feed him coffee.
Coffee's important because he needs it to survive the day. Lack of it is his very valid excuse of snoring away in Kripke’s class, which has happened a dozen times or so. And every single time he’d been late.
He flies through the door just as Kripke is about to call attendance. Jensen never gets why he does that on the first day. But then Kripke is Kripke and Jensen has long given up trying to find any kind of logic in the man.
“Sit.”
Jensen sits; doesn’t blush under the snickers of his classmates and doesn’t feel like a trained dog or anything. Nope. And it’s just his luck that he sits right next to Chad.
A very blue Chad. Jensen blinks, blinks again and yeah Chad has very vibrant blue hair. Jensen should be used to it after two years of knowing the guy. The different hair colors and styles happen as regularly as Jensen oversleeping because Chad turned his alarm off.
Jensen wonders why Chad was on time. Bitch. At least from now on he won’t have to deal with Chad in his room anymore. Because apparently Chad's mature enough to move into off-campus living while Jensen's still stuck in the dorms. It sucks.
The icing on the cake though is that Jensen’s two oldest friends on campus – he isn’t too sure about the ‘best’ attached to the friends anymore - gave Chad the room Jensen had been eyeing for months now. Because really, off-campus housing, how could he not?
And with his two best friends even. Jensen gets the reasons they laid out, that they're never there when they're touring and Jensen has games, so he wouldn't be there either. Which means that Chad at least can watch the place, when he isn‘t busy playing team mascot. If he doesn’t burn the house down first, Jensen thinks, just a little bitter.
And yes, Chad won’t complain about the constant parties going on as Jensen would have. Jensen knows himself well enough and he does need quiet time at least once a week. He’s prone to get a little crazy when he’s on too much coffee and way too little sleep.
The tattoo on his hip is proof of that, as are the pictures of him in a quilt and with a blue-green fauxhawk. Jensen still shudders at the thought of his freshly shaved legs and privates open to the cold January air. He’s never dared to ask who shaved him, he doesn’t need to know that.
But still, why Chad?
Chad, who never shuts up and has nothing interesting to say. Most of the time anyway. Except today Chad seems to be more hyper than ever before. Jensen starts to dread the next 90 minutes and hopes Kripke will let them out early. No, he prays for it once Chad turns, sees him and beams like he’s just been waiting for Jensen to show up.
Jensen doesn’t even really know why he’s friends with him. Chad doesn’t really fit into their kind of group but when Jensen really thinks about it, no one in their group really fits. So he shrugs, slides down in his seat and tries to tune out Chad’s grating voice.
If he’s honest though, Chad isn’t that bad. But he’ll never, in his earthly and human life, say that out loud, not even under torture. Chad can be pretty decent, can even listen if he isn’t totally engrossed in chasing skirt or being vulgar just for the hell of it.
Jensen yawns, tries to keep his eyes open and thinks his brain cells are trying to protest and are dying a slow, painful death. Kripke is droning on and on about organization and group activities. It’s the same speech he’s held at the beginning of every course Jensen ever had the pleasure of suffering through. Okay, so Kripke isn’t that bad and is actually one of Jensen’s favorites, but this speech is as new as Socrates manuscripts.
He mourns for his brain cells and starts to plan how he’ll start the team bonding experience and who to make assistant captains this season - even though he is the captain he won't be wearing the C, he is the goalie after all, so there have to be three A's again - even doodles on his binder like he’s still in high school. But he’s got to do something to look busy otherwise Kripke might even call him out and ask stupid questions again.
Jensen sketches out the line-up he’s had in mind ever since summer camp with the rookies and potential freshmen. He feels like they might have a shot at the Championships. It’s just a feeling, but his feelings at the beginning of the season were never wrong before. He trusts his gut.
Jensen shoots up in his seat some innumerable amount of time later and realizes that Chad must have been poking him in the side for quite some time now.
“Dude! You fell asleep or what? It’s over. Get going, I wanna leave. Places to be, women to seduce.”
Jensen blinks and then moves out of his seat. Lets Chad pass him without so much as a sigh, because he really isn’t in the mood for some verbal sparing. Chad doesn’t seem to get it; he stops, looks and then just starts talking again.
Jensen’s not sure how much time he’s lost but he guesses about 30 minutes all in all. The clock above the door underlines his suspicion. Chad’s still there, right in Jensen’s way and still talking. Jensen feels a little helpless at what to do until he actually listens to what Chad's saying.
“Come again?”
“Dude! Stop sleeping, day has started already. I said there’ll be a party on Friday in the dorms, starting the term and all. I just promised Doug and Tommy that they could use our room for storage,” Chad actually sounds a little annoyed.
“Right. What? No. This isn’t ‘our’ room anymore Chad. It’s mine now. You moved out, remember? And really? Storage? For what, the million kegs that aren’t even allowed inside the house? I might even get a new roommate, ever thought about this?”
Jensen's aware of the fact that he’s posing it all as questions and that he sounds rather stupid doing so, but it’s barely 9am and his brain is still nowhere near being awake. The comatose state it’s in will hold up until he can refresh his coffee and get one of those awesome lemon cupcakes from the bakery just a block away.
And no, this does not make him sound like an airhead. Okay, well maybe a little but he has to deal with Chad right now, no one can blame his brain for leaving already.
“Bah. Roommate or not. I still have claims on the room, my socks are still there.” Chad grins and Jensen doesn’t even try to dignify that with an answer. He never really asked what lived on Chad’s side of the room but now he vows he’ll disinfect it thoroughly later today.
“Oh, oh by the way I know you didn’t listen to me during the lecture and I know that your artsy doodles were so much more important than the latest rumors but get this: we get a transfer this season."
"Huh?” His mind flashes back to the guy in the hallway with the huge bags. The way he looked, the way he felt under Jensen’s hands, strong and.. well like a brick wall. He could be a hockey player. They haven’t had someone new on the team in over a year, could mean that Jensen’s feeling is right, that they have a chance now after all.
Chad socks him in the arm.
“Ow! The hell?” Jensen rubs his arm and glares at Chad. He so wants to get out of here and find the next coffee supply.
"Focus, Ackles, this is important. We. Got. A. Transfer. Jensen. For the team. You know the team you're captain off? How come you don’t know."
That’s actually a very good question. He hasn’t seen the coach or any of the staff yet. He just arrived on campus and summer camp had been over weeks ago. He really should go and see JD.
Talking to the coach should have been the first thing he did after arriving but then there had been Mike and those pinkish cocktails last night. He’s not sure what Mike mixed into those and really, he’d been way too pissed at Chris and Steve to think about college and hockey.
He was and still is mourning the loss of ‘his’ room. Cocktails before the first day of the semester and after hours on the plane, yeah not such a good idea. Not to mention Chad and the alarm clock debacle and Kripke insisting on a 7.30am class.
“Jensen?” Now Chad sounds worried.
"Right. I haven’t talked to JD yet. A transfer? From where?"
"Dunno. Rumor has it he flew in from Europe. Some diplomat’s kid, supposed to be scarily smart. Office girl said he’s already tested for senior classes even though he’s supposed to be a freshmen. Scholarship for hockey and grades. Tommy heard some stuff about prep school troubles in New York. That’s all I got though." Chad actually sounds proud of his rumor transmitting abilities, Jensen just thinks Chad has way too much time and too strong criminal tendencies for his own good.
Jensen also doesn’t give much to what Tom’s saying.
Tom has been a troublemaker since Jensen joined the team. It’s not so much what he does but what he says. Tom seems to have a very fine sense for things that rile people up and get under their skin. Jensen doesn’t like it, knows some of Tom’s opinions aren’t fit to be in the open, and he tries not to be offended personally, only most of the times he is, even though he can’t say that out loud.
Sometimes he thinks he should talk to Coach about that. He thinks he will if something should happen this season or even before that. He needs to talk to JD anyway as it seems.
"As long as it isn't drugs. I think we can deal… well we’ll see how that goes. Can’t be any worse than Mike’s fruit sugar addiction." Jensen shudders thinking back to last spring and Mike going through sugar withdrawal. If he never sees greenish-pink puke again in his life it’s too soon.
“So you’ll come and not hide in the library. Right?” Chad sounds way too eager Jensen thinks. And way too happy to jump between topics. Jensen wonders why he’s not used to it by now. He feels the urge to be mean.
“Come? With you being present? Very unlikely. Wouldn’t even get it up.”
“Dude! Dude, eww. Also, you have a very mean tongue. And no, that’s not meant as innuendo. Get your mind out of the gutter, Ackles.” Chad huffs. “Fuck you anyway.”
“Didn’t I just reject you? Are you that Pavlovian that you have to try over and over again. Aww Chad, didn’t know you cared. Ask my girlfriend if you can join us one day.”
“You don’t have a girlfriend Jensen, you have a fag hag. Anyway, you’ll be there on Friday. I’ll make sure of it.” With that Chad’s gone and Jensen wonders what exactly he’s gotten himself into this time. Can’t be worse than all the other parties Chad has thrown. Then again…. It always can.
Jensen leaves Kripke’s room, already fed up with college this year and tries to think of something positive and how to survive the rest of this year when long auburn hair swings into his vision. Yeah, so maybe there is something positive right in front of him.
“You know this isn’t a catwalk, right?”
The snort he gets as an answer isn’t really all that ladylike but so very much Danneel that all Jensen can do is to swing his arm around her shoulders and pull her close. She grins up at him, lips painted bright red and eyes flashing mischief.
She’ll be his lifeline for today. He’s just decided that. He is not so keen on being bored to death until he can finally go talk to JD or has to go to his next class.
“Where are you headed?” Jensen asks.
“Cafeteria. Corcoran Commons. ‘M hungry.” Danneel mutters into the Mars bar she is devouring like it’s the last food on earth.
“Uh... You're eating already.”
“Breakfast. It’s too early and Sophia ate the last of the cereal. Need fibers and fruit sugar to help me through the day. This baby here only last a few hours and how am I supposed to go through three lectures and one hour of evaluation without any kind of long lasting sugar? Huh?”
Jensen laughs and holds his hands up in mock surrender. Danneel has her own kind of schedule and if it means heading into the cafeteria long before lunch then it means just that. Danneel is his best friend after all.
She takes her role as fag hag very seriously. And okay, maybe Jensen isn’t out and proud but his friends know that from time to time he just needs something different than a soft body with curves.
It’s just that he’s the captain of the hockey team, a sport that doesn’t exactly scream 'welcome to any and all sexual orientations', so Jensen keeps quiet about it when he’s not with his inner circle of friends. Hell, even most of his teammates don’t know. And he’ll do hell to come out to them all with guys like Tom and Doug on the team.
And he doesn’t think that a Jesuit college is the best place in the world to hang his rainbow flag. He still likes girls too, after all. That’s the only thing that kept his momma from beating him over with a spoon when he sort of came out to his parents. She still holds the hope that he might hook up with a pretty girl and produce some off-spring tightly clutched close to her heart.
So Danneel is one of the few that know. One of the few he can talk to, well mostly gossips about the hot boys they come across and how to go about hooking up. But still, Danneel is there when he needs her. She drags Jensen on shopping sprees with her and makes him suffer through hour long beauty sessions no one really needs.
She doesn’t mind that he regularly uses her as his emotional trash can, but so does she. They spent a lot of time together, usually because they want to and only on a minor basis because it serves them on different levels. Of course it also underlines every kind of rumor going on about them.
Danneel snakes her arm around his waist and Jensen knows why they're getting looks now. They look like the perfect couple and both of them are playing it up on campus. It’s mostly for fun, only a little bit to avoid being hit on so damn often. Not that Jensen complains or anything, he likes a good lay from time to time. But he’s not really all that into finding something permanent. At least not now. He hasn't found the 'right one' yet anyway.
And really, if Danneel is having a very hot and sordid love affair with one of the biology professors no one needs to know. So they play it up and most people believe them. Jensen is free to hit on everyone and everything he likes without having to fear he’s being talked into a relationship. It also allows him to go mostly under the radar if he needs to.
Of course, it also makes him the lying, cheating boyfriend from time to time but it’s really interesting to see that no one seems to be inclined to tell Danneel.
She, of course, finds that very interesting and uses it as some kind of experimental study for her psychology major. It all works out in the end. Or so Jensen thinks until he walks into the cafeteria. Because right there, standing with his arm dangling over Danneel’s shoulder and her arm linked around his waist, he wishes it wouldn’t look like it does.
It’s just his luck that the gorgeous guy from this morning is standing there looking totally lost. Jensen blinks, takes in the man standing at the coffee counter who is obviously very confused about something. It’s really sort of cute to see. Brown hair flopping in his face and every time the guy tries to push it away, it flops right back down. Jensen suddenly wants to run his hands through it. It looks so soft.
Right. Not going there. He doesn’t even know the man.
Jensen swallows. It’s been a long time since he felt that kind of attraction towards someone and it really kind of scares him. He’s seen the guy once, and okay, he touched him too and now has a very vivid image of how the guy’s muscles feel under his fingertips. But it still doesn’t explain what he’s feeling right now.
His brain's really lacking its third cup of coffee. There's no other explanation for the mooning thing he's doing right now.
Tall guy frowns down at the coffee cup in his hand and then glares at the coffee machine. Jensen really wants to laugh. It’s such a cute sight. At the same time he feels sorry because no one who wants coffee should go without it.
There is something about the guy. Jensen can’t say what though. He instantly thinks of Misha trying to explain auras to Jensen and the team. It makes no sense but somehow ‘aura of sadness’ pops into Jensen’s mind, like it somehow might explain why Tall Guy is looking like someone kicked his puppy, or rather looks like a kicked puppy himself.
“What’s wrong?” Danneel asks curiously when Jensen doesn’t move along with her. She follows his eyes though and then lets out a soft ‘oh’.
“Someone new? Looks cute. You calling dibs?” She sounds cautious, calculating but not in a bad way. She just sounds like she’s trying to figure out what’s going on. Jensen just shrugs, smiles a little and doesn’t really know how to explain it.
“Just crashed into him this morning. On the way to Kripke. Dunno. He looks… interesting. Has something about him,” Jensen mumbles. For some reason it’s kind of embarrassing and Danneel smiles.
“On the first day of the semester already? Oh, Jensen. I have a feeling this is going to be a long year.”
Jensen thinks she might be right.
Then Tall Guy turns and sees them. Blinks and Jensen can see a mask settling over his features. It’s a strange thing to see. There is something flickering over the guy’s face, something close to regret and sadness. It’s gone as fast as it appeared but it leaves Jensen frowning a little.
Jensen doesn’t really know what to do but is really kind of grateful when Danneel lets go of him and wanders off towards the fruit salad counter.
Tall Guy is watching him now, frozen to the spot, as if he doesn’t know what to do either.
They look at each other for a bit. For the first time Jensen realizes how tall the guy actually is. He’d been surprised by it this morning but now, with this guy standing at his full height, Jensen sees it for the first time.
Then Jensen is moving. Toward Tall Guy and one day Jensen will find out what the guy is called. He just can’t go on calling him Tall Guy in his head. Well, he can but he‘d rather put a name to the face.
Jensen doesn’t even know what makes him move, only knows that he has to be closer. When he reaches the counter, Jensen just takes the cup out of the guy’s hand and puts it back under the opening of the coffee machine. He presses button after button, never once looks up at the man standing next to him.
It’s like an undercurrent waving between them. There's something but it’s not yet touchable or substantial enough to be fully recognized. But when Jensen finally looks up to hand the coffee over, he’s greeted with a shy smile and dimples.
Dimples. Jensen sighs inwardly. He’s a sucker for dimples but right now the shy smile is doing him in even more.
“Thank you.” It’s almost whispered and it surprises Jensen, because for a guy of that height he has a rather soft voice. Not girly or anything, just melodious. Jensen feels like a spaz when he full on grins at the guy, probably frightening him for life or something.
“You’re welcome. Those machines are evil. Like totally choose whom they like.” Jensen nods and then Jensen wants to facepalm really, really badly. He just sounded like an eager little teenager and that’s so not the way he wants to come across. He already thinks he’s scaring the guy with his stupid wide grin still very much present on his face. He really doesn’t want to know what he looks like right now.
“Uh... huh?” The guy looks confused again, even slightly scared maybe. Great, now Jensen has blown it. He should just shrug it off, turn and walk away. He can kill himself later. Because this guy? This guy is seriously cute and hot…. But apparently Jensen is too much of a social failure and can’t even start a normal conversation with him.
The guy suddenly grins. It lights up the room in Jensen’s opinion and he doesn’t care how pathetic that sounds. He has a crush, okay?
He has a crush. Oh damn.
“Right. Evil machines. I’ll keep that in mind...?”
It takes Jensen a second to realize that the guy is asking something and when he does Jensen just blurts out “Jensen. I’m Jensen. And please, no Jenny.”
The guy grins even wider, actually laughs a little and nods.
“Hi Jensen. Jared. But Jay’s fine, too. And thanks for the coffee again. I need to go now though.”
“Oh. Right. See ya around Jared. Hope the coffee machine will be more cooperative next time.” Where is a desk when you need it? Jensen could really use one right now. Headdesking seems to develop into his favorite pastime as it seems.
There is a snicker behind him and he doesn’t need to turn around to know that it’s Danneel.
“Shut up.”
“Haven’t said anything.”
“You're thinking it loudly, that’s enough.” Jensen grumbles.
“Smooth, Jen. But he is cute.”
“He is. And I just made a complete fool out of myself.” Jensen says and starts walking towards the exit, he isn’t all that hungry anymore and he’s still hyped up from his very strong and very venti morning Americano. Another coffee right now might actually kill the half of his brain that is working, even though he still thinks a third my really wake him up.
Danneel laughs this time.
Jensen's just waiting for her to start singing about him sitting in a tree and K-I-S-S-I-N-G. It would be so her in situations like this. She thankfully refrains from reverting back to middle school and just hugs him when Jensen loses his steam. He smiles into her hair and hopes that Jared didn’t take it the wrong way when he saw Danneel all wrapped around Jensen.
When Danneel takes off to her next class Jensen takes his laptop out of his bag and drops down at his favorite spot under a huge tree in the inner yard.
He tries to work on the new project Misha managed to hook him with up for the digital arts course – knowing the TA on a very personal basis, but not like that, has advantages - but all he can think about is floppy brown hair and ocean green eyes that sometimes look like hazel and dimples.
He’s so screwed.
Jensen’s so screwed. Like really screwed.
He was supposed to be at his dorm room to let his new roommate in like an hour ago. Jensen cringes. Way to make a first impression. His new roommate now probably thinks he's a complete douche.
God damn Chad for keeping the key so that administration had to call Jensen. Only Jensen got caught up in planning the new season with the coach and then JD had made him go over the files of prospective junior players.
They also talked about the new transfer and that JD wants to introduce him tomorrow during the first training session. Only Jensen never got the guy’s name because administration called again to remind him and Jensen just sort of tore out of the coach’s office.
Jensen had simply forgotten the time.
And now he's running across campus again. He really should have insisted on having his own off-campus apartment. Even if it would have meant after Chris and Steve gave away ‘his room’ sharing with Misha and his yoga group. The store room didn’t sound so bad right now, looks better than facing the wrath of his new roommate anyway.
He climbs the steps to the third floor. And for the nth time in his college life Jensen curses the fact that he still lives under the roof instead of closer to the ground. He really, really should have asked for a single but he’d been late for registration by one day.
Jensen curses again when he whacks his shoulder against the railing when someone comes rushing down the steps.
His lungs burn, his muscles cramp and it’s a really sad sight for a trained athlete who just came out of summer camp. Well okay, the weeks lazing around in the sun in his parents’ backyard might have cost him some of his conditioning but still, three floors shouldn’t be a problem.
He reaches the top of the stairs heaving and feeling hot. Okay, so he ran across the whole campus before climbing said stairs, so there is an excuse for him feeling like he might pass out right then and there.
He stands there, hands on his knees and taking deep breaths and trying not to feel like a complete failure.
“You okay there?” The voice surprises Jensen so much that his head snaps up. Just in time to collide with solid bone. Because yeah, of course he had to look up at the same time someone was bending down. Pain spikes through him, makes him wobble on his feet and groan out loud. Then there are hands steadying him, for the second time that day.
“We should stop meeting like this.” Jared says slowly, a little amused.
Jared. Of course it has to be Jared. Jared, who now stands there rubbing his chin and looking at Jensen a little concerned.
“Would be nice if we could. Stop meeting like this I mean. Uhm.. You okay? Man, that hurt. You’re really made out of bricks.” What is it that makes Jensen a rambling idiot in front of that guy? He doesn’t get it. Okay, other than the fact that Jared is totally hot.
Jared laughs at that. Shakes his head and pats Jensen on the shoulder. “I'm fine, man.” There's this electrical flash that sings through Jensen and maybe he imagined it, but he thinks Jared winked at him.
Jensen rubs his neck with his hand as his breathing slowly goes back to normal and his pulse settles down. He ducks his head, not really sure what to say next, when he sees the bags right next to his door.
“Oh God, please tell me you're not my new roommate and that I didn’t totally stand you up because I forgot the time and my old roommate is a total douche. Please?” Even to himself Jensen sounds kinda desperate.
“Sorry, no can do. And I wondered what kind of an ass my roommate is.” Jared answers with a smile and Jensen knows he’s just teasing. He just hopes that this isn’t a bad sign or something. And he really should stop listening to Misha when he’s in one of his spiritual phases.
“Damn. I'm so sorry. I got held up with the coach. Planning the season and all.” Jensen takes his keys out and tries not to fumble too much. Jared standing right behind him makes him nervous.
“Oh, which team. What are you playing?” Jared sounds interested in a way that Jensen believes he really wants to know. He cringes when the door finally snaps open and reveals a look into a room that hasn’t really been settled into yet. Jensen’s suitcases still sit in the middle of it with his duffel flung carelessly across. Only his bed and his desk are already set up.
“Uhm yeah… that’s us. Just came back myself. Didn’t have time to clean up yet. Uh, welcome to Boston College?” Jensen cringes and hopes that it didn’t sound as stupid as it did in his head.
“Thank you and it’s fine.” Jared nods and doesn’t seem to care all that much. Jensen’s still reeling from the fact that his newest obsession - and why does the voice in his head saying this sounds like Danneel anyway - is now his roommate as well.
Jared drops his bags by his side of the closet, settles his messenger bag and duffel on the bed that is, thankfully, freshly made. This side of the room, as a whole, looks rather clean and sorted. Jensen wonders who Chad paid for to do this and he hopes they left his side of the room alone. He’ll check his hiding spots later… when Jared isn’t there.
Jared follows his duffel, flops down on the bed and sighs. He looks worn out, Jensen thinks.
“So.. team?” Jared asks through a yawn. And it’s only 2 in the afternoon. It makes Jensen wonder when Jared arrived and where he came from. Jared’s too settled to be a freshman, too unhurried. He lacks the usual panic that surrounds people starting college and coming from home.
Still, there is something about him that says he’s new to this but not in a panicked way. Jensen wants to know, wants to find out but knows it’s not the right point in time to launch a full on 20-questions session.
He really wonders then where Jared came from, what he did before Boston. Then he remembers that Jared asked a question and blushes a little.
“What? Oh right. Ice hockey. I am the captain and the goalie. Yeah…” Jensen just rummages through his desk to get the folder he needs for his afternoon class and hopes he’ll be able to get some food before he has to head back to JD's for some more planning and plotting.
“Really? Well, I guess I better start calling you captain then.”
Jensen absentmindedly nods, doesn’t take it all in until some time later when he’s gotten his damn arts history book dislodged from where it was stuck between desk and bed. It almost sends him flying across the room, leaving him flailing and wondering if he’ll ever stop being a total spaz on front of Jared.
“Wait. What?” Jensen thinks he said this already today. In the exact same voice. Huh. His life is weird. “You're the transfer? Oh hell, I'm not usually that much of a spaz, really. It’s just.. beginning of the term and everyone wants something from me and I'm still pissed I’m stuck in the dorms. Not that this would be bad or something. I mean, you're here now so it can’t be all that bad. I mean I hope it won’t…. just for future references? If I start rambling like this, feel free to stop me. Please.”
Jared's laughing by the time Jensen stops. Laughing hard and loud. Jensen likes the sound. And did he just tell Jared that he likes having him here? Just great.
“Okay. I’ll just shut you up the next time. One way or another.” And yes, this time Jared winks.
Jensen wants to say something, wants to flirt back and be eloquent, only the words are missing from his brain and he's stuck on staring at Jared rather slack-jawed. And then he’s saved… or he thinks so because looking at Jared’s face afterwards Jensen thinks things might have taken a turn for the worse.
“Hey babe. Just wanted to see if things are alright and make sure you eat.” Danneel chirps all flirting and sweet. She even bats her eyelashes so outrageously that Jensen giggles. And then scowls at her for making him giggle. She saunters into the room as if she owns it, which she probably does in a way considering the amount of time she usually spends there.
“Hi Danni. This is Jared. My new roommate, and teammate as well.” Jensen smiles all wide but when he turns to Jared he feels it drop off his lips. Because Jared just stands there unmoving and kind of blank. The grin, the flirtiness, the nice guy, it’s all gone, as if someone wiped a blackboard clean.
Jared just looks at Danneel as if he bit into something sour.
“Hi,” Jared mutters and Danneel gives Jensen a look but all he can do is shrug. Because he has absolutely no idea what just happened or what made the temperature in the room drop several degrees.
Jared's giving off vibes and Jensen doesn’t think it’s a good idea to invite him along to the student union. He also doesn’t know if Jared has any other classes, so he just shrugs, grabs his things and moves towards the door.
“Uhm, the spare key is in the soap box in the closet. It’s yours now. I’ll be back around 9 I think… Uhm yeah.” Jensen really has no clue what else to do, he’s saved when Jared starts to unpack. “Okay then. Bye, Jared.”
“Bye, Jared. Nice meeting you.” Danneel tries. But all they get back is a curt nod and a rather frosty ‘bye.'
Maybe Danneel really is right. The year already sees like it's going to be very, very long.
2. September
Change the colors of the sky
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you
He feels stupid, childish even and doesn’t know how to change that. He doesn’t know how to get out of his head or how to make things right again. The start was good, really good even but then he had to go and mess it all up.
Just because he doesn’t have his body or his head under control.
So he runs.
He runs.
Wind is whipping through his hair, makes sweat cool down and cling to his skin. He’s hot and exhausted. Physically and mentally. This is the only time he feels okay, feels like he can escape.
It’s still all too fresh. The wounds are there. Not on his body anymore – those have been gone for over a year now - but on his soul and he doesn’t know if they’ll ever vanish again.
This place feels good even though he’s kind of skeptical if a Jesuit college is actually the right place for him. For people like him. He cringes away from the thought, hates that it’s still there, still present.
He’s so tired of hiding himself, so tired of fighting to do the right thing. He’s been doing it long enough and it didn’t help at all. He ran away, half across the world and it still didn’t make things better, made them hurt less.
He’s even referring to himself like this now. The shouts and insults, being marked with ‘people like you’, it’s all still on his mind, in his ears. And he’s waiting for it to be shoved under his nose again. It always happens.
These are the disadvantages of modern times, every thing is being recorded, filmed, photographed somehow, some way. And he’d been right in the middle of it all. There are still videos out there, interviews, articles and nothing his dad tried could prevent it from stay out there. People are still interested after all. Curious and hungry for the next scandal.
And he’s on the way of doing it all over again. He hasn’t learned anything at all as it seems. His body nor his mind seem to get that this isn’t a good idea at all. He’s not sure he can go through it all again.
But there he is. Green eyes, freckled skin, toned body and a smile to melt his insides. He’s a nice guy, talkative and opinionated. Has friends all over the place and has been great so far, making it easy to settle in. But there are signals that get crossed and mixed and make it hard to see where this is going or where Green Eyes is coming from.
He's been trapped in whirling thoughts, doubts and feelings of guilt since the first day. Since this guy crashed into him and babbled all cute and dorky. It started like this before. Well, not really but there was a friendship first. Not instant attraction like now but something similar.
This isn’t good at all. Especially not since this man is his team's captain. The same all over again. Even the girlfriend is there. All nice and beautiful.
He can’t deal with it. Doesn’t know how to. Doesn’t know how to get away, how to erase the pain. This, running, is the only way to be free. To be away. To be in control of his life. He runs. He jumps. He flies. He feels free.
This is what he needs right now. The feeling of being in control, of being himself and not having to deal with life for a while.
The campus is sort of perfect for running and hiding, sprawling enough to have corners and places where he’s undetected. Can move unseen and undisturbed. Close enough to the city to provide easy access to city life, urban structures.
He can’t remember when he started feeling like this was his real life, like this was what he’s been missing before. It’s been years and he still thinks back to that one summer in Europe, traveling with his family and discovering how to control his body. How to use it effectively.
The sun’s still warm, it’s still summer after all, and the wind’s not too cold. It’s a soft breeze coming up from the sea, over the lake and up Chestnut Hill. He’s still not too sure about the names and places, he’s still learning.
The campus is green. Different from New York. From Finland. A new start.
He vaults over a low wall surrounding greenery strategically placed along the paths between halls and students residences. Muscles taught, back bowed, arms tight to his body, he goes flying. He uses the wall for leverage, only graces one of the waste bins and flips forward.
Adrenaline pumps through him, only so much that he can feel it, can control it. He needs this to clear his mind. It’s the planning ahead, the seeing moves before he does them, the execution of images in his head that make him feel alive.
He jumps, vaults and lands on his toes. Crosses distances like this and feels his body sinking into this state of total bliss and exhaustion. He is alive for once. He’ll deal with everything else later. If he can.
Part 1 Continued
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Date: 2010-07-06 05:36 pm (UTC)From:moving on ...
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Date: 2010-12-30 01:40 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2010-12-31 11:28 am (UTC)From:Thanks for reading and the comment. :)