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7. December
With a touch of your grace
Shadows fade into the light
I am by your side,
Where love will find you
The music thrums through his veins. Quiets him down while making him move at the same time. He swings over a bench, tries to avoid the pile of snow in his way and goes flying right onto the middle of the path.
He isn’t in his running gear, is actually on his way to the library but he couldn’t resist. It’s almost too cold to try it, too much risk to slip and crash, so he only does moves that are relatively safe on the icy ground.
He knows Jensen worries, sees the looks when they’re walking around campus together and Jared jumps steps or benches. He tries to hold back, for Jensen. Things with Jensen are good. Strange but good. There’s something between them, something growing, though slowly. It makes him forget his fears, most of them anyway. It makes him smile so much that even he realizes it. It makes him feel good about himself again.
Jensen makes him feel.
For the first time in two years he feels more when he thinks about Jensen, when he’s with him, than when he does Parkour or when he’s on the ice. His life is good. And yet he waits for the other shoe to drop. He can’t help it.
They manage to win every single game until Christmas break begins. Even the much anticipated rivalry game against Boston University.
It’s a record and Jensen’s incredibly proud of his team. He doesn’t manage a single shutout but he’s still very satisfied with his own game. Jared has become a part of the team, completely integrated and fully there. He talks to his team members, organizes his line and asks around what everyone thinks of his suggestions.
It works, they play very well and they seem to be on a roll. There are no unnecessary penalties anymore, not a single one for roughing, just minor ones that happen in every game and Jensen thinks the team’s finally got it. Jensen thinks the team finally feels like they have a shot.
They qualify for the Wells Fargo Cup, which means that they’ll start playing on January 1st again. It’ll be a short Christmas break. Very short.
Training goes well and Jensen finally feels like he deserves the invisible C on his jersey.
It’s too cold now to be outside for any kind of sports, too cold and too snowed in. So Jared seems a little more restless than he’s ever been before. He’s constantly twitching and moving, can’t sit still. He’s working out hard on the ice and Jensen knows it’s to let go of this unused energy and to find this peace of mind he obviously has when he’s free running.
Jared not going out anymore has Jensen staying in as well. He suddenly misses the early morning schemes to get out of bed and following Jared unseen. Jensen misses seeing Jared flying through the air, taking obstacles and walls like they aren’t there or like they were the easiest things to conquer. Jensen misses the rush of adrenaline and excitement when he sees Jared trying something new, when he can feel Jared vibrating with concentration and control.
Jensen’s watched Jared so often now that he knows when Jared is thinking hard, when he’s calculating and trying to figure out if he can do something. Jensen’s always on edge, wanting to see, to know what Jared does.
Sometimes Jared manages it, does something new and so totally amazing that Jensen feels the excitement as if he’s doing it himself. Then there are times when Jared thinks about it but never does it and Jensen knows Jared acknowledges his limits. It makes Jared even more attractive to Jensen. Jensen misses that feeling. And he misses seeing Jared letting go.
Because that’s what it is for Jared, a chance to let go and to just exist. To feel his body and the control he has over it. It makes Jensen jealous sometimes, it’s these times when he’s close to asking Jared. They’re also when Jensen wants to be free as well.
He even steals Jared’s iPod, saves the songs on his laptop and smuggles it back into Jared’s drawer before the other man realizes it’s missing. But then Jared just smirks at him when he takes it out the next time. They don’t really talk about it but Jensen knows Jared is aware of what he’s doing.
Jared’s music makes him twitch and want – even long for a feeling of freedom, of being in control. It’s not like he suddenly doesn’t like hockey anymore. He still loves the game, loves the feeling of standing in front of the net, seeing the pucks come flying and catching them. It’s success and that always feels good. But hockey has lost some of its appeal and Jensen doesn’t know why or when that really happened.
It started before summer camp when he sent out the grad school applications and it intensified when he discovered Jared. But then talking to Jared about school and plans and the future – well, it made him seriously think about it for the first time in maybe forever.
Talking to Jared has become something Jensen looks forward to, something he actively misses when he can’t do it. It just takes a surprisingly large amount of time for him to actually realize it. And then he doesn’t have that anymore, at least not daily. Just because of the Christmas break that is suddenly there.
Jensen spends Christmas in some state of mourning and doesn’t really know why. Until he calls Danneel and whines about it. She laughs at him for a while until she gets serious.
“Have you talked to Jared?” She asks all calm and collected after Jensen snapped at her for laughing.
“Yeah. Why?”
“How did he sound?” Danneel sounds like she’s rolling her eyes at him. Jensen swears she can hear it even through the phone line. Danneel has powers like that.
“Good. Like usual.” Jensen frowns because yeah something clicks. Jared had sounded tired, sad maybe. And now Jensen wonders why. Things are really good between them. Even if they don’t really talk about the kiss. But things are good. It’s been like this ever since Chad was well Chad and things suddenly were good between Jared and Jensen.
They still haven’t kissed again but they constantly end up on or even in the same bed, curled around each other and then sleep like logs. It even goes so far that Jensen can’t really sleep all that well without Jared being there. It’s stupid and crazy but it is what it is. Jensen isn’t really sure what to do about it.
Suddenly things are weird but not bad. They are real friends now, doing friend things together so Jensen thinks things are fine between them. And yet Danneel thinks otherwise.
“Jensen!” Danneel actually shouts into the receiver. Jensen flinches hard and bangs his knee against his bedside table, rattling it loudly and making his momma ask if everything is okay.
“Yeah, momma. ‘M fine.” He shouts back and then huffs into the phone. “Danni, what?”
“Oh nothing, just wanted to make sure you’re with me and not drifting off to dreamland making out with Jared. Seriously, Jensen. Just go and talk to the guy. He misses you as much as you miss him. At least that’s what he said. And really, you should have gotten a clue already. Man, you’re thick sometimes.” She hangs up with that and leaves Jensen staring at his phone.
Jensen knew Danneel and Jared were talking, have been ever since the dinner and Danneel spilling the beans about Misha and the Prof. Jared has been awesome with trying to support her. It made Jensen’s huge crush turn into something much more. He just isn’t ready to acknowledge that and it’s consequences.
Jensen grabs his phone again and is about to dial when his momma knocks on the door.
“Jensen, honey? Dinner is ready and Josh wants to tell us something. Please say bye to Jared and come down okay?”
Yeah, okay he might have been a bit too obvious. Being grumpy and only lightening up when talking to Jared is probably a big indicator that something is up. Jensen just feels a little embarrassed by the fact that even his mother’s caught on. Just a little. He rubs his face, his neck and valiantly hopes the red isn’t too obvious.
Jensen spends New Year’s Eve talking to Jared on the phone and completely misses the countdown. They both laugh about it and say good night with a tiny bit of awkwardness mixed in.
Jensen’s mother just smiles at him knowingly and tells him that she hopes he’ll find happiness in the New Year. Jensen doesn’t tear up but there’s definitely a lump in his throat and he texts Jared again before he goes to bed. He wakes up to a message telling him that Jared’s looking forward to seeing him today. The year is starting well enough.
And Jensen might even be willing to admit that his tiny little crush is developing into something more meaningful. He’s not going to be shouting it from the rooftops any time soon but he feels better just admitting it to himself for now.
And maybe one day he’ll even be able to say something to Jared. It’s not like he even believes himself anymore when he tries to explain away the thing between them.
January
The Wells Fargo Cup brings them to Denver for two games, and they lose both. Then they’re going back to Boston to play at Fenway Park. They lose that game as well. It doesn’t help that it’s against Boston University and that they lose the second game against them as well.
Jensen wonders where his team has gone and where the good start of the season has disappeared to. This is not the team that played so well before Christmas. They make stupid mistakes all over again, seem restless and angry. There are penalties again and not enough goals.
Jensen’s frustrated and he lets everyone feel it. It’s the first time in a long time that he actually shouts at his guys and he doesn’t know if they’re even listening to him. Tom’s as standoffish as he has been before the incident with Jared and even JD has a hard time reining him in. It feels like mutiny when Tom gathers some players around him and goes off to have a drink after one of their worst games of the season. January feels like it’ll never end after that.
The team is split into groups and they’re playing like it. Like they somehow feel that Jensen isn’t in this with all his heart and mind. That feeling just manages to raise the level of frustration Jensen feels. He’s restless and too stressed.
As restless as Jared sometimes seems to be. It’s too cold outside and they spent most of their time on the ice not getting anywhere when the team’s like this. Sometimes Jensen just wants to scream and run. Run away and let the team figure it out themselves. He tells Jared that much, gets a wry smile and a nod and knows that Jared gets it.
Jensen even misses a due date for one of his papers and has to work extra hard to make up for it again. Jared surprisingly lets him be and takes over some of the team motivation speeches Jensen just doesn’t feel like holding anymore. It’s useless anyway when they don’t listen to him.
JD makes Jared assistant captain after they win the next game. A game after one of those speeches and Jared can’t help grinning the whole day. It makes Jensen feel better and he calms down a bit, even apologizes to the team. They seem to take it all in stride, which makes Jensen feel even shittier.
Seeing the ‘A’ on Jared’s jersey does something to him, though. It’s like a sign, like proof that they’ve actually achieved something, have come a long way.
Jensen doesn’t know what’s up with him though, can’t say where he went wrong after New Year’s and it frustrates him. Jared vanishing again in the mornings doesn’t help either but Jensen is too tired and too stressed out to even try and follow him.
Sometime in the middle of the month, after the second game they win, Jensen suddenly realizes what else is missing. He hasn’t looked at any kind of Parkour in weeks, simply because he didn’t have time and because Jared isn’t doing it right now.
The second he settles in front of his laptop and has YouTube running he feels like a addict. There is this calm that settles over him when he sees the guys on the screen vaulting, jumping and flying. His mind settles into a state of trance and he can feel those movements in his body. This is like a drug. Like hockey used to be. And Jensen needs more of it.
He isn’t fast enough to shut his laptop one day when Jared flies through the door. Sometimes even Jared is mobility challenged, especially when it comes to ice and snow. Jared glides to a stop between their beds and just stares at the screen in front of Jensen. Then he grins. He looks Jensen in the eyes and smiles, all wide and happy. It makes Jensen’s heart skip a beat or two.
“Sorry, no time. Gotta go. Test in a bit.” Jared rambles, throws his things around and actually manages to grabs all he needs in one sweep over his bed. “See ya later, Jen.”
The door clicks shut and Jensen is alone again. Alone with feelings of elation, excitement, dread and uncertainty. He doesn’t really know what to feel right now But just seeing that smile on Jared’s face is enough for him to grin stupidly at nothing and turn back toward the screen.
They lose the next two games, one in over time even, and win the last one of the Cup. JD makes them train harder, has them do more dryland drills because they’re lacking endurance. Jensen’s always there, always in the middle and tries to motivate his team. He feels like he’s failing abysmally.
The next thing they have to concentrate on is the Beanpot. If they play reasonably well it might take them into a good position for the Eastern Tournament and then maybe into Regionals. Jensen is so not ready to think about the Champs. It’s only the end of January anyway, it’s still a long way to go until April.
They don’t even get a day off between the last Cup game and the first Beanpot game so Jensen expects the evening training to go over without any kind of trouble. They all need their strength and energy for the next day. But when he comes out of the lockers where he just had a little talk with JD about strategy, he walks right into the middle of what seems to be World War Three. For a second he and JD just stand and stare.
Jensen can’t see anything clearly for a while, just bodies moving around and flailing. There is shouting, cursing and insults flying around. The second he steps on the ice and whistles, everyone calms down and parts way for him.
Everyone but two. The two right in the middle of it all. Tom and Jared. Tom’s still shouting but Jensen can’t make out what it is since his face is smashed into Jared’s breast shield. Jared’s jersey hangs in tatters around him making Jensen wonder what exactly happened there. He looks at JD who shrugs and moves forward.
Jensen moves as well just in time for Jared to let go of Tom. Jensen’s never seen Jared that furious. He glares daggers, is heaving and pulling himself up to his full height. He looks frightening and Jensen thinks Tom shrinks back a little. But then Tom just surges forward and it’s on again. Only now Jensen can hear what Tom is shouting and he freezes.
“You fucking faggot. What’ya do to our captain, huh? Blackmailed him? You think you’re so great and know hockey. Newsflash queer, you don’t know nothing.” Tom shouts in rage and starts attacking Jared with his fists again. There’s blood already, Jared has a split lip and there is a cut on Tom’s cheek. It looks nasty.
“Don’t call me that you asshole. Didn’t do anything to your precious captain. Maybe you suck so much that he doesn’t want to talk to you anymore.” Jared shoots back and Jensen sort of just stands there, deciding to just let them get it all out. It’s only when Tom actually lands another punch and Jared staggers backward does Jensen move. And he moves right between them.
“That’s enough. What the hell…. ?” But Jensen doesn’t really have the chance to say any more because he unfortunately steps right into Tom’s forward movement and Tom practically mows him down.
Jensen feels the impact, feels his head connect with the ice and hears the collective gasp of his teammates. Something rings in his ears. Loudly. His helmet is still dangling from his fingers and he wonders if he might have made a mistake just now.
“Ow.” Jensen moans and closes his eyes. He just wants to lie there and well.. lie there.
“Welling. Padalecki. You’re off the team for tomorrow. Get off the ice and get changed.” It’s JD and Jensen thinks he hears Tom curse and plead but it doesn’t seem to impress JD much. Jensen doesn’t hear Jared. He wants to know what’s up, wants to open his eyes but he can’t seem to be able to manage that.
Then there’s a warm hand under his head, a huge hand and another one is grasping his own cold one. Jensen shivers at the contact.
“Jen?”
It’s Jared and yeah, Jensen thinks he can open his eyes right now. And there he is, Jared, leaning over him, blood trickling down his lip and coating his teeth. Jensen has never seen Jared this concerned.
“Jay?”
“You okay to move?” Jared asks and Jensen nods. Jared helps him up slowly and Jensen groans when the ground starts turning and sliding away from him. He feels Jared’s arms slide around him and he hears JD saying something that sets of a pair of skates skittering over the ice but after that Jensen doesn’t remember anything.
Jensen wakes up in his own bed, feeling woozy and disoriented, he hears Jared talking low as if he’s trying not to wake him and it makes Jensen smile. Jared sounds concerned. Jensen feels all warm and safe again.
He hears Danneel as well and maybe even JD but he isn’t awake long enough to register it fully. His head hurts too much for him to try to stay awake. The next time he wakes up it doesn’t go as smoothly
"Wha... Whooza?" Jensen flails, tangled in his sheets and then ends up on the floor between the beds. Awesome. Jensen groans and tries to free himself from his confines only to have his hands slapped away.
“Jen? You okay?”
And than Jared is there. Jared who apparently had been lying right behind him in his bed. Jensen blinks, there’s only the bedside lamp on and the room is dark otherwise. He wonders how long he’d been out.
“Smooth, Jensen. Do that one more time and you’ll be out for more than just one game.” Jared smirks down at him, Jensen can see the white of his teeth clearly. He frowns as Jared helps him up and onto the bed again.
“I’m out?”
“Dude, of course. You have a concussion and the doctor said you should stay in bed at least a day or two. Or he’ll have you in a hospital to monitor you.” Jared settles them both back into the bed and draws the covers up over them. Jensen doesn’t even ask why Jared is in his bed, he remembers the concerned, frightened look Jared gave him when he was lying on the ice.
“Man, gonna miss the Harvard game. This sucks.”
Jared chuckles lightly, the breath tickles against Jensen’s skin and makes him shiver a little. Jared draws him even closer and nuzzles into Jensen’s hair.
“No worries, gonna make some goals for you.” Jared’s lips move against Jensen’s neck, make him draw in a breath and finally settle fully against Jared’s chest. It seems to even something between them because Jensen can feel tension drain out of Jared and knows it was the right way to react.
“You?”
“Yep. JD lets me play after some of the guys and Chad told him that Tom started it all, that I was just defending myself. But he’s watching me and if I just so much as play a high stick I’m off the team again.”
“Well then.. Guess I’ll watch it on TV then. That is if I am even allowed to watch TV. Shouldn’t you have kept me awake if I have a concussion?”
“Nah, that’s old school medicine. Doc said it was okay for you to sleep. And I think it depends on whether you can stand watching TV or not with the major headache you’ll have by tomorrow. So sleep now, okay?”
Jensen just nods and sighs. He’s really kinda tired. Still. He feels Jared kiss his neck, lightly though and barely there.
Then Jared whispers into his skin: “You scared me.”
“’M sorry, Jay. Just want you to stop fighting. What’s it ‘bout?” Jensen slurs and Jared just sighs again.
It’s nice to have Jared against him, here in the dark and just for himself, Jensen thinks.
“We’ll talk tomorrow okay? Just sleep now, Jen.” And Jensen really feels the kiss this time, it’s not on his neck but on his lips. He’s not sure if it really happens but he opens his lips a little and kisses back. It’s soft and warm and Jensen feels good.
He falls asleep with the feeling of soft lips on his.
Seeing Jensen hit the ice was one of the worst moments in his life. And it’s his fault. He knows he should have been more careful, less angry. Shouldn’t have let himself be provoked into reacting. JD told him as much and he knows it. Should have known better. Jensen’s okay, at least. Laying safely in his arms and sleeping deeply.
He looks down at the man he’s holding, looking innocent and so young. His heart beats faster just seeing Jensen look at him, smile at him. He doesn’t know what he’d do without Jensen anymore. This goes deep. Way deeper than anything he’s ever felt before. And it feels real.
Of course it has to go wrong somewhere. He just hopes that this was it. That this was their miss and that they can go on now.
Jensen sighs and moves closer, snakes an arm around his waist and he can’t help but smile at that. Of course, Jensen would never cuddle, only he really always does when they end up like this. Jared likes it, wants to keep on doing it.
He hopes this was the other shoe. He isn’t too sure about that, though and it scares him.
They win against Harvard.
Jensen sees it all on TV with Danneel by his side, cheering as loudly as Jensen does. And it’s a shutout too, which makes Jensen growl and pout because he’s not in the net. On screen it looks like the team is playing all their frustrations away and with each goal it seems to work better. Jared’s on fire, playing like Jensen has never seen him before and it makes his heart flutter and his grin even wider.
“Man, you are so gone.” Danneel says again when he’s still grinning after the game is long over and they’re waiting for Jared to come back. It’s her favorite thing to say these days.
He retaliates by asking after Misha and enjoys the blush that happens every single time. Daneel and him are officially over and people seem to be at a loss of how to deal with it because neither Jensen nor Danneel have changed their ways of living college life. Jensen has given up wondering baout that.
Right now he’s waiting for Jared to come back. The team should be on the way back from the rink already, it’s been a while since the game ended. Jensen wants to talk to Jared so badly.
He hates that Danneel was the first one he told about the kiss and the night before, but he had to tell someone and his momma was out of question. So were Steve and Chris, because they weren’t even in town and he so wasn’t doing it over the phone and really, they didn’t even know Jared or about him and Danneel does.
But the man walking through the door isn’t Jared, it’s Tom. Tom, who looks so much worse for wear and has apparently had a meeting with Jack and Jose judging from the way he smells.
“The hell, Tom? Can’t you knock? Is your brain too mush to get that simple task done?” Danneel growls. Actually growls and Jensen is maybe slightly impressed there.
“Jus.. jus wanna talk to Jen.” Tom slurs obviously not sober or in the condition to hold a meaningful conversation. But he stands in the door, doesn’t take a step inside or out of the room and neither Danneel nor Jensen want to move or get close to him.
“How about… no?” Jensen says but Tom just blinks, holds himself propped up against the door frame and goes on as if nothing has been said.
“Did he ever te..tell.. y.. you? Did he? ‘Bout Nu.. New York? What he did there? Had is capt’n by the balls. Fuck’d him up good. Liter—Lit’rally….Little queer he is. Ya know? Wanted to.. to get on the champ team. They f.. foun’ out. Fucker. Doin’ it to you, too huh?. Huh? You a queer too, Jenny?” Tom sways and then just stops.
Jensen looks up and sees Jared standing right behind Tom, eyes shuttered and a mask right back in place. Jensen wants to say something wants to say that he doesn’t believe a single word Tom’s saying. Wants to scream. At the same time he wants to shout at Tom to shut up, to shut his fucking mouth because he doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t want to deal with it.
The sight of Jared just standing there not saying a single word, not even trying to defend himself breaks something within in Jensen. He closes his mouth and can see it right on Jared’s face the second that decision makes it into Jared’s consciousness. Jared simply nods. Then he’s gone and Jensen’s heart breaks.
He feels sick. Makes it to the bathroom just in time and doesn’t care that Danneel literally throws Tom out of the room and then follows Jared. Jensen doesn’t even feel hurt by it. He wants to be left alone. He deserves to be left alone and hates himself for being the one having put that look of pure desperation and hurt into Jared’s eyes.
Green, blue, maybe hazel, now almost black and teary. That’s the last thing Jensen sees before he passes out in the bathroom.
8. February
Now that we’re here,
Now that we’ve come this far,
Just hold on
Everything hurts. Pieces dig into his chest and he can’t seem to extract them. Invisible and stabbing deep. He’s numb with pain, can’t think or feel or talk. Not that there’s anything to talk about now. This is the other shoe. He doesn’t hate anyone, not really. Not Tom for destroying it and not Jensen for letting him. He saw the way Jensen judged him in that one second it took for Tom’s words to slip inside Jensen’s head.
It’s unfair, of Jensen and of himself to let it just go. There wasn’t even a real ‘it’, a real ‘them’. And that hurts even more. The realization that they failed before they even had a chance to build something.
Things seem meaningless now, make him wonder what he did to go through something like this all over again. And really, how insulting is it that his own past is the reason for things to crash and burn?
Everything hurts. And then Danneel sits him down with a tub of Rocky Road ice cream and he can forget for just a while. Just a while and it might be enough. Or it might never be enough.
Jensen is back for the next game a few days later but he hasn’t seen Jared during any of them. Jared’s just vanished. Completely. Only when Jared comes into the locker room with Chad in tow does Jensen realize where he might have been staying.
Jensen glares at Chad and then just frowns when Chad only sends back a sad smile. Jensen is mad at Jared for not even giving him a chance to speak about it. And he’s mad at himself for apparently fucking it up so badly that Jared doesn’t even try to talk to him anymore. And so this time it’s Jensen keeping his distance.
They rule the game, blow away Massachusetts 7 to 1 and Jensen’s actually proud of letting just one in. But after the game he feels crushed, not able to share the joy and laughter of his teammates. Jared’s not there and Jensen doesn’t feel like partying.
JD suspends Tom when he comes to a training session pretty much drunk of his ass. Jensen frowns but doesn’t really know how to deal with it. He gives a speech to the team about responsibility and honor and feels like the biggest asshole on the planet. Jared doesn’t even look at him anymore. And then Chad corners Jensen one day.
“You know, he isn’t staying at my place, so you can stop glaring at me. Steven and Chris would have blown a casket anyway. They don’t know anything. Man, they don’t even know you’re in love.” Chad’s blatant, not talking around anything and it shocks Jensen’s.
“No. Man, no. I’m not… Not. Just… I wanna talk to him. I just want the chance to ask him myself.” Jensen tries. He’s not in love. Only, that he is.
“You’re not, huh? Why are you so miserable then? And really, you didn’t even try to talk to him. You’ve had plenty of chance, Jensen. Plenty.” Chad actually cuffs him on the back of the head.
“Hey. Where’s he staying anyway?” Jensen just wants to know that Jared is safe. “I mean he can come back. I didn’t… I didn’t throw him out or anything. I just want to know what happened. How Tom knew anyway.”
“With Danneel.”
“What?” Jensen is actually stunned. And a little hurt if he’s honest.
“Jared’s staying at Danneel’s and Sophia’s place.. and don’t look at me like that, I don’t know either. I’ll tell him you want to talk to him, okay?”
Jensen nods. He feels out of sorts and doesn’t really understand any of it.
Jared moves back into the room a day later but things are awkward and stilted. Neither of them says anything and and so they don’t talk about, just letting it hand between theml. That’s not how Jensen pictured things, but he doesn’t know how to change it either.
And then life happens. As usual. Jensen even loses track of time. There some days when he has no idea which date it is or which year. There are tests to take, papers to write and games to play. They settle into the same routine they had at the beginning of the semester. They move around each other, never touch, never really talk. It breaks Jensen’s heart over and over again because they didn’t even have the chance to be them, to be a ‘them’ and it seems to be all over before it even started.
It hurts him to see Jared so withdrawn, silent. He looks duller with each passing day. There are bags under Jared’s eyes. Seems like neither of them is getting any sleep these days. Jensen knows this. He just doesn’t know how to help, how to change it. Because he thinks just getting into Jared’s bed won’t do it this time. And he knows it’s his fault, that he is doing this.
It frustrates the hell out of Jensen. He misses Jared terribly. He misses their talks and easy banter. He definitely misses seeing Jared smiling and being carefree. Instead, Jared’s all closed off and walled in again and Jensen doesn’t know if he can get over these walls a second time.
But then he remembers how he got Jared to talk to him, to trust him and Jensen actually, literally headdesks just then. He’s studying digital arts, he knows what Jared seems to love so much that he even goes out into the pouring rain to do it. Jensen finally has an idea and he’s going to need help pulling it off.
He practically kidnaps Danneel on the one day he has off from training. It’s the first time in their friendship that he’s the one dragging her off to go shopping. She actually looks a little scared. Jensen feels proud.
“Look. I know you know that Jared stayed with me. And if this is some sort of payback I plead guilty and we can be over with this, yeah? Jensen?”
But Jensen just smiles sweetly and drags her from one arts supply store to another. He still has his major project for Kripke to do and now he finally knows what it will be. He works on the project during every free minute he gets in the next weeks.
The team plays well, only losing on of the next three games and the team seems to have settled again now that Tom’s not part of it anymore. They even treat Jared with respect again and no one says anything about the fights. No one comments on the strange vibes between Jensen and Jared either. Jensen thinks they just want to go through the motions and be done with the season. Only now, they’re playing so well that they have an actual shot at the Champs.
Jensen works like mad on his project and Jared actually gets a little curious halfway through because Jensen always comes home late now, covered in paint and exhausted beyond belief. He drops dead and falls asleep several times with his clothes still on. He wakes once to Jared undressing him. It makes his chest tighten and his body fill with need. Jared’s close again, just silent and wary. They don’t talk and when Jared actually, finally, just lies down next to him one day, Jensen feels something loosen in his chest. He sleeps well that night.
Still, things are nowhere near okay between them. Jared catches him watching even more Parkour videos. Jared even smiles when he does and Jensen doesn’t even try to hide it anymore. If it makes Jared smile than it’s worth being embarrassed.
One day Jared plops down next to him on Jensen’s bed and just looks at him for a while. Jensen is tired after a long day and doesn’t really feel like dealing with this thing between them. But then Jared takes his laptop, opens a folder and places the computer between them. Jensen is confused for about a second and then the starting credits roll and he finally knows what Jared’s doing.
It’s a peace offering and Jensen’s definitely going to take it.
“I’ve never seen it before,” he says low, almost as if he’s afraid to speak, to break the moment. But Jared just nods, moves down on the bed, keeping his eyes on the screen. Jensen sees a mall smile on his lips and feels his heart skip when Jared moves even closer. Their sides are pressed together and Jensen could explain it away by the need to be able to see the screen but he hopes it’s more.
“I know. Hope you like it,” Jared answers equally quiet.
Then they get sucked into the world of Parkour and of “District 13.” Jared comments on a few scenes, tells Jensen what he’s done and what he’d never even dare to think of doing. Jensen’s glad because some of those moves? They freak him the fuck out and he can’t even think of Jared doing them.
"You saw this? The way he fled the bad boys and just up and swung himself through the window? My mum freaked when she saw this and realized it's basically what I've been doing for years. It took me days to convince her that I'm not on the run from gangsters and that I'm not swinging myself out of windows that are five floors up from the ground." Jared grins at Jensen.
Jensen's mind is still kinda stuck on the scenes he just saw and his mind's tries to picture Jared in any of them. It's not hard. Not at all. Jensen also sort of thinks that it's freaking hot. But Jared doesn't need to know that. Not yet anyway. Jensen soaks it up. Both the highly acrobatic scenes – jumps, flips, vaults, wall walks - and Jared’s closeness.
Things get better after the movie night. Not back to how they were before but closer to what Jensen’s hoping for. Jared talks to him again, suffers through Jensen’s moods each morning and provides coffee with the proper jokes about Jensen’s newest tumbler. One day he’ll ask Jared what his innocent little penguins ever did to him to have earned that kind of mocking.
Jared even suffers through Jensen’s next bought of restlessness. For a few days at least, until he’s had enough and actually drags Jensen outside. It’s freezing. Snow covers every path on campus that hasn’t been cleared yet and Jensen doesn’t know where Jared’s taking him. He slips a couple of times, grabs onto Jared for leverage and finds it kind of amazing that Jared seems to be relatively unfazed – by the weather and Jensen’s apparent clumsiness.
“Where are we going, Jay?” Jensen almost flinches at his use of the nickname but has to smile at Jared’s look.
“You’ll see. You need to get rid of some of that energy. Driving me crazy in the room the way you fidget and pace.”
“Uhm.. sorry?” Jensen doesn’t even know why he’s apologizing, Jared wasn’t any better over the last few days. Too much on their minds, too little freedom, too much pressure.
“Yeah… no. It’s okay. Just… I know you wanted to try and… well I think now would be a good moment.”
Jensen gapes when he realizes where they are. It’s the same spot he first saw Jared doing Parkour all those months ago. Most of it is covered in snow now and only the main path is free and not iced over.
“I knew you were there. Saw you and have known ever since. It makes me try things, to know that you watch. And… you talked about the missing feeling when you’re on the ice. So… uh, maybe this could help?” Jared sound unsure, hesitant and Jensen wants to hide. Because he knows it’s him cause that hesitation/
“I.. you.. you want me to try? Like right now? Here?”
“Uhm, yeah. I know it’s not ideal. But the place is snow free and the benches aren’t high, so I can show just some basic moves. What do you think? You wanna?”
And this is another peace offer and much more, more than Jensen deserves. He knows this.
“Jay?”
“Yes, Jensen?”
“I know I should have said something. I know… I just… couldn’t get words out then. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jared.” It’s the first time in days that Jensen dares to look Jared in the eyes. The color – the life - is back and Jensen smiles.
“Thank you,” Jared says, quietly and sincere. “So? You wanna?”
“Hell yes!”
Jared’s laughter rings out over the empty grounds and Jensen grins, happy to follow Jared’s every move. He’s been waiting for this, though he never knew how to ask for it. Now he gets the chance. Now he gets another chance.
March
Jensen gets his first shutout of the season when they take the next game 7 to 0. The game after is a win, too and it’s actually pretty close to his birthday. So on his birthday some boys from the team take him out celebrating the win and Jensen’s birthday. Steven and Chris join the party, so do Chad, Sophia and Danneel.
Chris even comments on Jared hovering close to Jensen all night but Jensen ignores it. Until one of his teammates just blurts out exactly how cute they are together and that they need to solve whatever made them fight, because it apparently makes the team all emo.
It leaves Jensen stunned and spluttering. Jared just gapes and blushes. The best thing is that no one seems to mind. And Jensen wonders why he ever thought his team wouldn’t be cool with it. But when he remembers guys like Tom and Doug, Jensen knows why he never did. But it’s good that his team can now acknowledge it, even just in private. Jensen smiles all big and wide, and then even wider when Jared just flushes deeply, ducks his head and moves even closer to Jensen.
Danneel gives him the thumbs up, so does Chad, who’s actually busy trying to make Sophia go out with him and failing. That night Jensen knows he doesn’t even have to ask and climbs into bed after Jared. He needs this. He needs Jared close right now and Jared lets him. It gives Jensen the courage to ask.
“Tell me.” But he doesn’t let Jared speak for a while, instead he moves in and kisses Jared thoroughly for the very first time. Jared sighs into the kiss and pulls Jensen even closer. It’s frantic at first, like they’ve both been waiting for this. And Jensen thinks that maybe they have.
Jared’s hot under Jensen’s wandering hands and they make out for a while. Really make out, like they’ve never done before. Just comfortable kissing each other in the darkness of their room, hands wandering, shirts dropping onto the floor. Exploring, reacquainting, feeling.
“I was… I think I was, I don’t know anymore. Was in love. In prep school. In New York. It went on for over a year. He was my captain on the hockey team. Just felt good. But we stayed hidden. No one knew. Senior year and the summer. It was good,” Jared whispers, pressed close to Jensen and not really looking at him. Jensen gets it, Jared needs this kind of distance, needs to tell it this way.
“They caught us kissing, my hand down his pants. First the team. They caught us. Turns out he had a girlfriend all the time, too. He… he went and blamed me.. That I forced myself on him. Since senior year was done, nothing happened. He didn’t go to the police. I went to NYU, stayed away from hockey for a while because it hurt too much. But then we sort of started hanging out again. He… he even tried to start things up again. His dad caught us the second time, us doing Parkour. Which apparently was worse than us making out afterward. Family freaked and he went and blamed me again. His dad went and talked to my dad,” Jared actually snickers, his tone rueful and sarcastic. His seems detached, like he’s telling a story and not just about his life.
“My dad.. he knew a bit. Talked to Milo’s dad… uhm Milo was the guy… and they almost… there almost were punches. It got into the news, leaked somehow. My dad threw them all out of our apartment. I… was still so young. Early high school graduation, a year in college already. But after all of it… I just.. couldn’t stay. It was like a bad dream, my face plastered all over the gossip pages in the city. Fled to Finland with my dad. It was so very awkward between us. It’s okay now but still a little weird.”
Jared smiles a little then and Jensen pulls him closer. Jensen feels rage at first, then sorrow and then happy. He feels happy because Jared is here now, in his arms and finally telling him.
“I.. played in Finland. My dad had to come back to the States. He knew JD, had me apply here and they took me. My parents made me use my mom’s name and yeah… that’s why I’m here.”
“God… man that sucks. Not that you’re here, but everything before,” Jensen rambles.
Jared snorts then. ”Yeah, you could say that. It’s.. well it’s the reason why I was so weird at first. I.. you where there, all cute and dorky. Gorgeous. And my heart just skipped that first day. I’d promised myself to never fall like that again. To never listen to my heart. But you just.. you took it all away in a second. But then Danneel came in… I thought. Man, I thought she was your girlfriend and you were like him. Flirting and still playing straight.”
“Yeah.... I.. I guess I knew something was up.”
Jensen kisses Jared again, then. Deep and like he should’ve done the very first time he wanted to and knew Jared wouldn’t protest. They’ve missed so much time just because of stupid fights and history.
“I know. I... I sorta have been waiting for things to come up. Here, in Boston. Like you know, paparazzi or things on websites. Like in New York. But maybe my momma was right and people outside New York just don’t care that much about the high society there. Boston is definitely different. More settled, maybe less pretentious... dunno. Feels like it. But I... I thought it would come up.. with the team. I... know I never said anything. Couldn’t. And really, this is ice hockey after all, at a Jesuit college.”
“Oh... I know. Somtimes I wonder how I ended up here. But then they had the best offer and it’s a good college. Never felt pressured here but then almost no one knows.. knew... I don’t even know anymore. You know... I... just how did Tom know? About you? He's always been sort of a jerk, had strong opinions. Never this blatant though, this obvious, risking his team position. He was pretty vocal. But.... He knew stuff and I wonder how,” Jensen mumbles against Jared’s lips. It feels good, so damn right.
“Chad said he heard Tom talking to Doug. Something about a cousin in New York, sent magazines, print-outs, once he saw us playing on TV. Dunno if I knew him or if he knows Milo... but he.. well, he apparently went to school with us. And Tom... he's said some things to me... thought my dad had bought me in, blamed me for JD talking him down at the beginning of the season. Guess he was jealous. Question is, of what exactly.”
“Man, this world is way too small sometimes. And Tom's been an ass all season, wanted to be captain and didn't get it,” Jensen mutters, not sure if he feels angry, resigned or just annoyed.
Jared sighs, drags Jensen closer so that their foreheads touch and Jensen can look into his eyes. There is so much sadness there, so much resignation that Jensen just closes the distance between them again.
“Been wanting to do that since the first day.” Jared mumbles against Jensen’s lips, makes them tickle and Jensen laugh.
“Me too.”
“You know, I apologized to Danni. I mean you told me she wasn’t your girlfriend but I wasn’t sure how much I could trust drunken-you. She went all flaily on me. Scared me a little. But she said you’d love to hear me saying that I liked you. Just, never had the chance.”
“Yeah, Danni can be very scary. Man, we’ve missed so much time. I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
Jared shuts him up just then. Jensen doesn’t mind. He’s been hard ever since Jared started kissing him and he’ll be dammed if he lets this chance go by as well. There have been way too many unused chances lately.
Hands slide over skin, fingers stroke and scratch, mouths collide, devour and worship. It’s hot, frantic, desperate. It’s everything a first time shouldn’t be. It’s good nonetheless. They bite and scratch, hump and suck and just love.
Jensen’s pulled closer, on top of Jared and they move in sync. Move like they’ve always known how to, like they were made to do this together.
They fit, slot right into place. Jensen gets a little frantic, rubbing his cock against Jared’s hip, seeking release and wanting it to last at the same time. Jared calms him down with one single touch and a kiss that leaves Jensen dazed and high.
Jensen doesn’t even think about it when he reaches for this drawer, just looks down onto Jared and sees knowing eyes looking back at him. There’s only moonlight to go by and it’s almost ethereal how it glitters off of Jared’s skin and is reflected in his eyes. It makes the moment almost surreal, almost too much and Jensen stops. Just stops. He needs this moment. Needs to find back into himself.
Jared pulls him down, close but not locking their lips just then.
“Jared?”
“The answer is yes and God Jen, come on, just….” Jared kisses him then, leaves Jensen trembling with need and the urge to just claim him and let himself be claimed in return.
“Okay.. okay… okay.” Jensen mumbles into Jared’s skin, reaches for Jared’s heavy cock and slides down Jared’s chest, tasting skin, and sweat and salt. If he wasn’t hooked on Jared before, he is now.
Jared doesn’t let him talk anymore that night. Jensen doesn’t complain.
After they win every remaining game of the Beanpot and every single game of the Hockey East Tournament, which earns Jensen another shutout, Jared drags him off after the last game. Actually, really drags him off, with a hand grasp tightly around his arm and a determined look on his face.
He thinks Jared is dragging him off to have his wicked way with him again. He already hears Danneel’s voice in his head already, complaining about Jensen never having time anymore since he and Jared seem to fuck like bunnies every chance they get. Well, Jensen can say she isn’t all that wrong.
It’s the end of March and they’ve reached the Regionals. Something Jensen didn’t think would happen in the middle of the season. But here they are and Jensen actually feels good with it. It’s warm enough outside for Jared to go free running again and this time Jensen doesn’t need to sneak around to see it all. Jared wakes him every morning and keeps showing him basic moves.
Jensen kisses him every time Jared does. He even tells Jared how he feels when they go running together and Jared just looks at him fondly, like he just said or did something profound. But telling Jared about freedom and how just vaulting himself over a wall feels like being free and still in control is just something Jensen has to do. Jared seems to like him even more for that.
So when Jared drags him off after the game Jensen doesn’t even think twice about going with him. They cross the campus and reach the gym that was been built there a few years previous. Jensen thinks they’ll go inside and Jared will show him some new moves but when Jared drags him towards the library instead, Jensen’s confused.
He’s even more confused when Jared drags him up the fire escape towards the roof. Jared’s on the first step when Jensen looks up. It’s a stunning sight. Jared cast in the low spring sun and standing tall against it. Jensen feels his heart flutter for a second before he starts climbing the stairs up as well.
“Where are we going?” Jensen asks, because he’s curious as hell.
“Up there. Come on. I wanna show you something.” Jared smiles down at him, leans down then, too and kisses him softly. Jensen smiles against the kiss, he likes that Jared does this every so often and that he can do it too, even though they’re careful still. They don’t know how the school would react to their relationship and they don’t want to risk it. Not now, not so close to graduation
“What is it?”
“You’ll see if you follow me.”
This feel scarily like a déjà vu. Jensen huffs but follows Jared anyway. He stops short when he reaches the roof. He hadn’t know that it would be visible that well from up here. Jensen blinks and then just stares.
“I… discovered it a bit ago. Saw you down there, working on it. And I was up here practicing. You know, it was strange seeing you do this and me doing exactly that up here. Thank you. The day I saw it, I knew I could trust you.” Jared’s standing behind him, arms slung around his chest and pulling Jensen close.
It’s a breathtaking view. There, on display for everyone to see, is Jensen’s last art project. He’d forgotten about it once he was done and things with Jared went the way they did. Well, no... that’s not true. He hadn’t forgotten, he just hadn’t known how to show it to Jared, how to tell Jared that he did it as some kind of apology. And then, then Jensen couldn’t find the time to just drag Jared off and just show him. Jared seems to get it though.
Now Jensen’s here, looking at it with Jared close and he thinks about why he did it. There, on the wall of the old library building, the wall that had been free to for art students to use, are several murals.
One of them is Jensen’s and it shows a brick wall, red and black, grown over with vines. But there is something else, a man, one hand wrapped tightly around the top of the wall, body almost horizontal, legs up in the air in mid move. It’s a perfect one handed vault on display.
And when Jensen sees Jared there, with his mural. It’s like a symbol. Like there were walls and now those have been overcome, just like Jared’s movements. They’ve been jumped, vaulted and flipped over. They’re nothing more than an obstacle.
He’d been working on it for days - nights, even - and wonders how he could forget about it. There had been a projector, so that he could get the movement right and Jensen is pretty proud of himself and his work. But considering all the tings that happened since? Yeah, Jensen actually forgot about his final project.
“It’s amazing, Jensen. I just.. I saw it and I knew you got it. I knew you understood what it means to me.” He pauses, then goes on. “I wanted to show you something else.” Jared finally says, almost shyly.
“Yeah?” Jensen’s actually excited now. Seeing the mural and being up here with Jared is exhilarating like nothing else. Jared takes his hand and leads him to the edge of the roof. There is another one below them. Maybe six or seven feet. Not all that high. But Jensen suddenly knows what it means.
“Jared… I can’t. I… “ Jensen stammers. He doesn’t feel ready for this. This is what he’s been looking at for weeks, probably even months by now. This is what replaced hockey in his heart and he still doesn’t think he can do it.
“You can, Jen. I believe in you. We went through the moves already. You know all the basics. And it’s just a jump. Nothing fancy. You know it. You’ve seen the videos, you’ve watched me. You know how to do this. Do it when you feel like you can, don’t let me talk you into this.”
Jensen laughs, hits Jared in the arm and then walks toward the very edge of the flat roof.
“I’ll go first okay?”
Jensen nods and watches Jared like he has so many times before. And then Jared just goes down, drops but still manages to create a smooth flow of movements. It looks great, powerful and strong. Jared’s standing below, smiling up at him and Jensen suddenly knows that he can do it.
“I’m in love with you.” Jensen says. And when Jared blinks, smiles widely and says it back, Jensen feels the last bit of restlessness settle inside of him. He’s found that feeling again. The one he’s been looking for all semester. Now that it’s there, he feels light, free but in control. He closes his eyes, opens them again and just sees Jared.
And then he flies.
Epilogue + Acknowledgements + Soundtracks
