Fic: "What about now (What if you’re making me all that I was meant to be)" PART 3 CONTINUED

[icebear_cw]

It’s insane.

Jensen knows that it is but he does it anyway. When he comes out of the bathroom, Jared’s side of the room is dark and he’s already in bed, not moving, not talking. Hiding. Jensen doesn’t think about it, he just sees Jared’s tense shoulders peeking out from under the cover and knows he has to do something. Jared’s awake, Jensen just knows it. And if he tries to talk to him now Jared will just curl in on himself and build his walls even higher.

Jared has walls around him so high that Jensen thinks he can’t even see the world around him anymore. It took Jensen a bit to figure it out and to realize that it wasn’t just him Jared was shutting out. It was everyone. Even Chad. So Jensen doesn’t talk. Jensen acts. He climbs onto Jared’s bed, on top of the covers and just lies there on his back, not really touching Jared.

“What? Jensen?”

“Yes.” Jensen even smiles at the confused little sound Jared makes. And he tries not to laugh out loud when Jared tries to turn and can’t, because Jensen is lying on the covers, basically trapping Jared in his own bed. That is a nice side effect Jensen hadn’t even thought about.

“What are you doing?”

“Trying to sleep if you don’t mind.”

“Uh.. could you… could you maybe do that in your own bed? I… I want to be alone.” Jared sounds unsure, a little frightened maybe. But Jensen isn’t giving up now. He wants to know what’s going on, if he can help.

Jensen tenses. He doesn’t know where this is suddenly coming from. Well, okay not so sudden if he’s honest and if he’s listening to the voice in his head that still sounds suspiciously like Danneel, this has been coming for a long time. The crush isn’t so small anymore. It’s not even a crush anymore but Jensen’s not thinking about that right now. This right here is all about Jared.

Jensen wants to groan and bury his head in the pillow but remembers where he is and what he wants to achieve with that.

“Nope.” Jensen cringes at how chirpy he sounds.

“Uh.. why not?”

“Well, you’re obviously upset but you don’t want to talk about it. So I’m not gonna make you. Just thought since you stayed with me the other night and I slept like a baby it might work for you as well.” Jensen shrugs against Jared’s broad back and tries not to think about getting under the covers to be even closer.

He waits for Jared to say something, to move and throw him out or something. But nothing happens. Jared stays where he is and doesn’t say a single word. Jensen starts to feel a little uncomfortable, like maybe he overstepped an invisible line or something. He’s about to get up and apologize when Jared moves.

Jared slowly turns and ends up on his back as well. Their shoulders touch but neither of them moves away. Jared’s eyes are open but he’s not looking at Jensen, just at the ceiling above them. Then he moves his head and just looks at Jensen.

Emotions run freely over Jared’s face. The mask that’s always there, that’s always in place and seems impenetrable has slipped away. And Jared looks so young, so hurt, so alone. Jensen wants to pull him close and just hold him but knows it’s too soon and too much.

“Okay.” It’s whispered into the space between them. Jensen smiles a little, nods and then tries to get comfortable. He can’t fall asleep on his back but he so not letting Jared know this. He wriggles for a while, tries not to sigh too often and hopes Jared is asleep already.

“Jen?”

Jensen so does not jump. He doesn’t. Really. He may have twitched a little just there but he didn’t jump. Jared laughs anyway. It’s a rare sound. It’s a sound Jensen wouldn’t mind hearing more often.

“Yeah?”

“Get under the covers, dude. I won’t bite. Not on the first night anyway.”

Jensen almost chokes on his own spit but covers it all with an awkward cough. The flirting is back. That’s really kind of unexpected but not unwelcome. Jensen smiles, so maybe things are looking up.

He wriggles again, this time under the covers, with a little help from Jared. They are close again, as close as in the car and in the rink. And since Jensen is suddenly a man of action he doesn’t let this chance slip away. He moves, slides a hand into Jared’s hair and almost sighs in relief when the silky strands feel as good as he’d imagined. Jared twitches but doesn’t bolt. It’s all the encouragement Jensen needs.

Jensen just feels, lets himself get lost in the sensations of Jared’s lips on his and Jared’s hands on his skin. Everything sort of feels alight, like on fire and Jensen moans. Lips slide over lips, hot, silky and smooth. It’s slow, gentle, almost dreamlike. Jensen sighs into the kiss, lets Jared pull him closer, feels fingers slide up and down his spine. It’s the most erotic thing that he’s ever experienced and it’s not just about sex. It’s about being close, being together.

It’s just them taking another step but not overstepping lines that are still there. Jensen draws back, looks at Jared, searches for a hint, a sign that this isn’t okay. He finds none. What he finds makes him smile. Jared looks dazed, as if in trance, small smile on his lips and eyes half lidded.

They are close, touching, entwining. Lips touch, skin on skin, fingers on skin. Jensen’s shirt is hiked up, Jared’s hand’s on his hips, on his neck. Jensen pulls Jared in again, can’t get enough. Not now that he has it. They kiss slow and gentle, for a while, until Jensen is close to falling asleep right then and there. And that? That would really be embarrassing.

“Jay?”

“Yeah?”

“Sleep?”

“Okay.”

Jensen turns onto his side and sighs deeply. Yeah, this is way better. He flicks the light off and settles in. Jared chuckles, smacks a kiss on Jensen’s cheek and says goodnight. Jensen falls asleep with a smile on his face despite the awful game he had that day.

And if they wake up pressed close and entwined, neither of them mentions it.








He shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t but he can’t help it. His fingers trace the tribal tattoo on Jensen’s hip, slow and gentle with almost no pressure at all. Jensen’s lying on his back, breathing deep and regular. He’s deeply asleep and looks way too innocent for someone who has a mouth on him and actually climbed into his bed last night.

Jared’s mind is whirling in a way it hasn’t for quite some time. He’s not used to feeling this way, it actually never felt this way before. He always thought what happened in New York was ‘real’ and in several ways it was. But now, here with Jensen and with something that actually resembles a settled life for the first time in years, Jared can admit that New York was maybe just teenage delusion mixed with a very tight friendship that somehow was supposed to be more than it was in the end.

He doesn’t know how he really feels right now. It’s more than he ever felt before. Content in a way. Afraid in another. It scares him like nothing has in a while. At least not since his life came crashing down on him over a year ago. This is usually the moment where he leaves, where he goes and runs. He wants to that right now. Really wants to.

But something holds him back, something makes him take a deep breath and look at Jensen, then at the window. The sun isn’t up but it will be soon. If it gets to that point, because he can just smell the rain in the air. So it’s early and he can see specks of light through the window and on the walls. He wants to move, feels his legs twitching. Something inside of him is calling for him to go and be outside.

But there is Jensen. In his arms. His fingers still attached to the tattoo on Jensen’s hip. His eyes track the black lines and he’s somehow captured in the moment. Caught in his own head. He lets the outside be for a little while longer and lies back down.







6.


The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day
This broken heart can still survive


Jensen is late again. This time though it is his own fault.

He’d been out with Chris and Steve last night, which probably wasn’t the best idea seeing as it was in the middle of a busy school week and a game week, too. And he’d completely forgotten about an assignment due today. So he’d sat the whole night holed up in a very secluded spot in the library, and he really has to thank Chad for bribing the librarian with tickets to the Celtics game, and had worked on the project.

And then he forgot the time. Chad found him with his face smudged with ink and his clothes rumpled. At least Chad had been so nice to wake him up, too.

His newest penguin tumbler is clutched tightly against his chest again and he’s running across campus to class. He’ll kiss Jared when he sees him next time because his tumbler is full and there had been a muffin waiting as well. Jared obviously got up very early to get that done.

Jensen tries not to get sidetracked by thoughts of kisses and Jared. They haven’t kissed since that night. They touch more now though, hug and cuddle on the beds, watch movies and help each other studying. Jensen even ended up drawing sketches for an assignment while lying on his back pressed against Jared’s sleeping form. Nothing really changed but it feels like everything has.

But they haven’t kissed. They are stuck at a stage where both of them are unsure of how to take the next step or if they even should. He can see Danneel roll her eyes at them in his head.

So here he is running across the grass of the inner yard, trying not to slip on the muddy ground, cursing himself for his fucked up timing and then just stops short. He stops and then walks backwards. What he sees makes him freeze.

There is Jared.

And Jensen sees him in a way he’s never seen him before. Jared’s body is framed by pale sunlight and morning mist curling around him. It’s cold outside, every puff of breath is visible and Jensen is transfixed by it coming steady out of Jared’s nose.

There is an aura of sereneness about the entire scene and there is nothing that could make Jensen move now. Jared, though, Jared moves. And Jensen stands there watching, catches Jared doing a combination of flips and vaults over the long handrail at the main steps. The movements are smooth, practiced, well-known. They look easy and Jensen thinks they shouldn’t.

No one should be able to jump that high or land so easily, but Jared does it all with a confidence oozing off of him that Jensen doesn’t even being to guess where it’s coming from. It’s the same confidence, the same focus, Jared executes on the ice. Jensen wonders where it’s coming from. If the confidence comes form the practice on the ice or from what Jared is doing right there.

Jensen knows those moves. Has seen them on the posters and videos Jared showed him when he asked. This is Parkour. This is what freedom looks like - feels like - Jensen thinks. It looks fluid and free from every pretentious move. Jared moves, flows and glides through the air. He jumps, twists and flips like he’s never been doing anything else. It looks meditating, mind opening.

Jensen falls for it. He falls for what he sees and for the man showcasing such control over his body. Jensen recognizes some of the moves from the way Jared warms up.

And then Jared isn’t alone anymore. Suddenly Jared isn’t alone anymore, there is a group people around him, greeting him with slaps and high fives. Jensen feels like an intruder then, watching something he isn’t part of. Jensen thinks it was about time he finally saw it with his own eyes. Jared doing something that’s such a big part of his life. He also thinks JD would bench Jared if he knew.

Jensen won’t be the one spilling it. Of course, as team captain he should be watching out for his players, should discourage them from anything that might end up hurting them. But he’s also to make sure that his players feel good and what he sees right there makes it pretty clear how Jared is feeling.

There are girls among the guys which makes Jensen blink. It’s a swirl of bodies, running, jumping, flipping and flying. It’s sequences of coordinated moves and vaults that have Jensen frozen into place and staring in awe, class and being late totally forgotten. It fascinates Jensen.

Movements, agile and controlled, muscles taut and strong. It’s perfect and beautiful. Jared moves smoothly among the others, back flips off the low wall fencing the flowers and one of the fountains. He always lands easily on his toes, never on his whole foot. Jensen blinks just as Jared swings into a handstand on top of the handrail.

The sun is higher in the sky now but still low enough to cast a ghostly glow over the scene. All Jensen really sees now are blurs of motion that are so precise and coordinated that they paint a design into the glimmering air. Shadows and swirls of light, light painted with a brush, movements fast and strong, it’s all a picture Jensen suddenly loves to see.

And then everything sort of stops.

Jared moves again, settles into stretches and a more secure handstand and just stands there for a while, on his hands, back straight and tense. There’s not a single movement that isn’t necessary. And then.. then he just flips backwards, is suspended in the air for a mere second, then goes flying and vanishes out of sight. Jensen gasps a little, he knows it’s almost an eight feet drop next to the stairs. There are cheers coming from the group so he knows everything is fine.

“Awesome isn’t it?”

Jensen needs to shake himself to get out of the trance he’s been in.

Danneel is standing next to him, smiling and watching Jared as well. Jared, though, seems to be done with whatever he’s been doing there and the group around him disperses.

“Yeah. I… that was amazing. Beautiful.” Jensen stumbles over the words, his throat is dry and he doesn’t know what to do right now. His skin tingles, he feels his breath catch in his throat and he knows that what he saw was purely Jared. Jared free and just himself.

“Wow. You are so totally gone for this guy,” Danneel sounds as if she’s in awe with Jensen right now as well. “I mean, I knew you were crushing hard. But… Jensen…”

“I know. Okay. I know. Just now… that’s just... He’s awesome,” Jensen rambles. He’s really unable to do much else. He never thought he’d see Jared like this, executing the things he’s been talking about to Jensen.

Now Jensen knows what Jared meant by being in control and still feeling free. He knows. Jensen looks at the spot where Jared did the handstand. It’s still a fresh in his mind, he can still see the taut body hovering in the air.

“Okay. You look like you haven’t seen him doing it before,” Danneel actually sounds surprised now.

“Haven’t. He told me about. Never saw it though. But what does that say about me as a teammate or a friend? I mean he’s not jumping roofs right?” And now Jensen knows why he had to think of James Bond and holy shit, just thinking of Jared doing stuff like that has his pulse racing. He’s not sure what causes it though, the fear of Jared hurting himself or the sudden want to see it.

“Uh… no?”

“Oh come on. Really?” Jensen can’t believe it.
`
“You didn’t get it from me. And believe me when I say he knows what he’s doing. The first time I saw him doing it, I went and looked it all up. They, the people who do Parkour, they have some kind of motto you know. It’s ‘être et durer’ and means something like ‘to be and to last’. It’s about endurance and control. They don’t like taking reckless risks, always only do the moves they know they can do.”

“And you trust what you’ve read on the Internet?” Jensen asks and Danneel shrugs again but smile.

“Maybe I asked him?”

“You did, huh? So I guess that’s his words and not yours?” And Jensen can actually see Jared getting all excited about it, like he gets when he has an idea about improving their play on the ice. Jared can be very, very excitable. Jensen actually smiles at that thought.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Come on, Jen. I’m hungry.” Danneel tugs him away from his spot on the hill and wraps her arm around him like she always does. It’s then that Jensen remembers his class and that it’s Danneel’s too.

“Uhm, shouldn’t you be in class? I mean, I was already late but…”

“Don’t worry. Beaver called in sick. You didn’t miss anything. And now lets find food and you can tell me all about your obsession on your roommate.”

Jensen really doesn’t like the devious grin Danneel displays just then. He sighs dramatically and lets himself being dragged towards the cafeteria. His mind reels, full of images of a lithe body and flowing movements.









Jensen doesn’t know how to bring what he saw the other day up to Jared so he doesn’t. He only tells Jared to be careful the one morning he’s actually awake to see Jared leave. Jared stops in the door way, turns to look at Jensen and then smiles that small shy smile Jensen actually associated with Jared being relieved.

“I will.” Is all Jared says and the topic is settled then.

Only, Jensen makes sure to be up and running shortly after Jared leaves. It’s not really stalking, he tells himself that every time he follows Jared out on to the campus. Sometimes Jared is too fast and Jensen doesn’t see him at all. Those days, Jensen just plops down onto one of the very comfy couches in his favorite coffee shop and starts with his daily coffee procedure only now he drinks hot chocolate first. Jared got him hooked, what can he say.

Sometimes though Jensen catches Jared and makes sure to not let him out of his sight. What he sees makes him wonder what it feels like to be this in control of yourself and your body. Jensen wonders what it takes to reach that level of mobility. It looks easy when Jared does it, looks easy when he jumps and vaults and balances. And yes, Jensen looked it all up.

Became quite obsessed with it, actually. He now knows what Jared is doing, can name the basic moves, knows what a cat balance is and that a one handed vault over an obstacle is also called a pass or that when Jared actually goes flying forward that he most likely is doing a cat pass or monkey vault. Jensen knows all this, can see it and name it. He just doesn’t know what it feels like.

And he’s afraid to ask Jared to show him. He’s afraid that if Jared says yes Jensen will make a complete fool out of himself. He’s also afraid that if Jared says no ... well, he’s basically just afraid of Jared saying no.

Jensen takes to watching videos on YouTube and every other place he can find that has parkour stuff online. He studies the moves, even tries some minor ones out himself, only to end up looking around if someone saw and feeling really stupid about it. Every time he follows Jared his heart is in his throat and his blood is rushing in his ears.








The team’s playing so well that it also means only a short Thanksgiving break and Jensen actually contemplates not going home. But then his momma calls and Jensen is all set to leave within the next hour.

“Momma’s boy,” Jared snorts when Jensen hangs up and starts packing right away.

“Shut up, Padalecki. You’re going home, too. And it’s not my mom calling twice a week,” Jensen fires back as he tries to make sure his duffle isn’t bursting. It looks ominous but seems to hold so he nods, satisfied, and leaves it be.

Now he all he needs to do is call a cab and collect his ticket at the airport. He loves his dad for being so very proficient on the internet. It would have taken him hours to find a flight, but then he thinks they all had it set up already, knowing he wouldn’t say no.

“Yeah. Well, I sort of like San Antonio you know,” Jared answers with a smirk, knowing full well how much Jensen doesn’t like the Spurs.

“Shut it or I won’t call you with the time to be back.”

“I know when to be back, Captain. JD finally figured out how to email stuff,” Jared says with a snicker and it somehow sets Jensen off, too. They laugh for a good minute, both of them thinking back a few weeks when JD came stumbling out of his office and cursing up a storm about a certain Thundercat. Only when the team asked which cartoon character had pissed him off that much JD only frowned and mumbled something about email programs.

The teams has decided to present JD with unique Thundercats underwear for Christmas. Chad, Jensen and Jared spent hours perusing Boston’s best shopping spots and laughing their asses off every time they found something fitting.

“God, that was awesome. The day, I mean,” Jared says, blushing lightly

“Yeah, it was,” Jensen can’t help but smile back at Jared. He rubs the back of his neck, feels a little awkward not knowing how to say goodbye to Jared just then.

He wants to kiss him, sees that Jared seems to want it, too. Only neither of them moves. Jensen feels his heart skip but he doesn’t know what the protocol for this is. He never did anything like this before.

“Uhm, you can call me anyway. If you want,” Jared blurts out then, surprising not only himself by the looks of it but Jensen, too. They stand there, staring at each other, not knowing what’s going on until Jensen blinks and breaks the spell.

“Yeah, Good. Okay.” His cab honks, makes both of them jump and Jensen stumbles forward. Jared catches him. Like he always does and Jensen suddenly feels all warm and safe.

“Have… have a good time at home Jay. See ya in a few days.” Jensen pats Jared on the shoulder and doesn’t linger a little too long, really. Or well, he does and it gives Jared the chance to pull him in and hug the life out of him.

Jensen doesn’t flail. No, he doesn’t. Okay, maybe a little but only because he’s surprised and doesn’t really know what to do with his hands. He hugs Jared back. Until the cab honks again and makes them jump apart.

“Yeah… uh. Bye, Jen. Have a safe trip.” Jared nods as if he has to reassure himself that he’s been saying the right things and not something completely different.

“Be safe, Jay.”

And the both know what Jensen means.








Jensen actually calls Jared. He’s surprised how easy it is in the end, to just take the phone and dial. It also might have been a little easier because of the wine in his veins and Danneel’s voice in his head. He’d called her first of course.

And maybe, maybe his momma asking him if there was someone because he seemed to glow a little made it even easier. Jensen didn’t tell his mom about Jared, well he did, because Jared is his roommate, but he didn’t say anything else. Mainly because there isn’t anything to tell and maybe a little bit because he didn’t want to jinx it. If there is something.

And then he is on the phone with Jared talking about the most inane things and feeling like something is settling inside of him. It’s like talking to Jared settles his mind in places he didn’t even know needed settling. He lies there for hours just talking.

And they talk for real this time. He tells Jared about his family, tells him which grad schools he’s applied to, tells Jared that he hopes to end somewhere warmer than Boston. Jared actually laughs at Jensen’s complaints about the winter in Boston and how the snow is always evil and mean to him. Jared wonders how Jensen ever ended up playing hockey, Jensen can’t explain it. Then they actually agree on being freaks of nature, two guys from Texas playing hockey and both pretty decently.

Jared, in return, tells him about his family and school and life as a diplomat’s child. Basically Jared tells him about life in the spotlight. But then Jared actually says that he’s never talked so much about himself to anyone. He still doesn’t tell Jensen about what happen before Boston, before Finland. Jared, in a calm but quiet voice, thanks Jensen for not pushing, for bearing with Jared and his moods. It makes Jensen speechless for a while and he has to scramble for words when Jared worriedly asks if everything is okay.

Jensen starts talking about his turkey then. And laughs himself to tears when it sort of leads to a very innuendo laden conversation Jensen isn’t even sure even happened the next morning but he still remembers Jared’s full belly laughter so maybe it did.

There’s easiness between them when they’re back at school and Jensen feels only half as bad for stalking Jared now. Danneel finds it all cute and very hilarious. She even joins Jensen one day and they both ogle Jared doing back flips from the benches in the inner yard and vaults over waste bins and low walls.

“That shit is so cool.” Danneel gushes one afternoon when they’re on the way to Kripke’s office hours and saw Jared do a spectacular cat pass and vanish out of their sight. Jensen stares at her. Danneel never curses or uses vulgar words, and that she does now only shows how impressed she actually is.

“What? Yes, Jensen I just said shit. Get over it. That boy is good. Do me a favor, yeah?”

“Uhm, depends on what you’ll be asking.”

“Just say yes, Jen.”

“Uhm, not before I know what you want.” Jensen learned the hard way to never promise something to Danneel when you aren’t exactly sure of the rules and consequences.

“Jensen. Say yes or I’ll post the pictures of you in a quilt on the beach with nothing under. All. Over. Campus.” She actually sounds menacing just then.

“Okay, fine. Yes.”

“Good boy. Now, go and get that boy over there and be happy.” She’s pointing at Jared who’s talking to Chad. Jensen blinks. Chad with very pink hair and a rose in his mouth. Yeah, he doesn’t want to know.

“Uh what?” Jensen sounds weak even to his own ears. She can’t mean what she is saying, right? Seems like she does mean it though and is actually serious. Jensen blinks because Danneel is right in front of him now.

“You’re totally gone for the boy. So much that you’re completely obsessing over parkour. Yes I know you spent your break watching vids, shut up. Just go and ask him if he can show you and then go and get him. I‘m pretty sure Jared wouldn’t mind you jumping him… one way or the other. I’m tired of your pathetic mooning over him. I’ve never seen you like this before. Not even when Marcus broke your heart.”

Jensen wants to protest, wants to argue that he isn’t that obvious and that she can’t possibly know. There is no way she can know that it goes this deep. No. Of course, she knows about the crush, Jensen’s talked about it enough but that doesn’t mean she knows more. Or does it? Only, he doesn’t get the chance to even open his mouth. Jared is faster.

“Who’s Marcus?”

And again Jensen’s too slow. Chad’s actually bouncing up and down next to them, rose clutched tightly in his hand and a rather manic grin on his face.

“Jenny’s ex. Freshmen year I think. Was a total douche and plucked every blossom on his way.”

Everyone is silent for a moment and stares.

It’s not like Chad just outed Jensen in front of one of his teammates or that he used a rather strange image to do just that. No, it’s not that. It’s the way Jared’s trying to suppress his laughter, mouth squeezed tight, cheeks bulging that has Danneel and Jensen staring. It’s like they are waiting for Jared to burst.

And when he does, he takes everyone with him. They’re laughing so hard that Jensen has tears running down his cheek and Danneel grabs her sides as if she’s in pain. Jared’s bent in half trying to breathe but failing due to even more laughter when he sees Chad’s confused face.

“Dude..” Jared chokes out. “Who…” more choked laughter. “Who still says that?”

Chad blinks as if he doesn’t know what Jared’s referring, too. When Jensen has calmed down enough to speak all he can say is “And he didn’t pluck my blossom. That came later.” It sends them all off again, though.

“Oh? Well, good for you Jenny.” Chad shrugs and saunters off. Just like that. Jensen has to sit down on the grass because he’s laughing so hard again.

Jared smiles at Jensen, all wide and happy. It sort of floors Jensen. So much so that Danneel has to poke him to stop him from staring. Jared doesn’t seem to mind and for the first time Jensen starts thinking that things between him and Jared are looking good. Of course, things have to come crashing down on them.


Part 4