Gift for [livejournal.com profile] osmalic, Just stay on that road in that heartbeat, Jar

Dec. 25th, 2012 01:06 pm[personal profile] icebear_cw
icebear_cw: (Default)
Fic title: "Just stay on that road in that heartbeat,"
Author: [livejournal.com profile] the_milky_way
Genre: RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~ 6.200
Warnings/Spoilers: none
Beta: Many thanks to A. for the very fast and awesome beta
Disclaimer: This story is fictional (not real, didn't happen). Not true in any way. I don't own anything.

Summary: Jensen isn’t really in the holiday mood. And he’s willing to subject himself to Jared calling him a Grinch for the next few days. After 8 years, this will be the first Christmas they’ll spend together. Just the two of them. Jensen's not sure he'll survive this. The tree moves again, creaks and groans and Jensen just throws his arms up.

“Oh for heaven’s sake, just settle the fuck down already.”


Notes: This was written for [livejournal.com profile] osmalic for the 2012 [livejournal.com profile] spn_j2_xmas exchange.

I went with the prompt fic/art. J2 (au or otherwise). Pining!Jensen is pining on oblivious!Jared. (happy ending, please!) and tried to use some of your likes (shy and/or stressed and/or tightass!Jensen with glasses, bouncy and/or top!Jared, happy endings, Misha, HOLIDAY SEASON!) as well. I hope you'll like it. Sorry, that this comes so late. Happy Holidays!

Title is generously borrowed from Ronan Keating's "Fires"




The tree seems to mock him, standing in the middle of the room like this - crooked and tipping to one side. Oh it’s green and full and mighty. What it’s not is straight. Oh, and fitting into the living room.

Well, okay it fits, barely but it looks stupid while doing so. Damn, Jared and his puppy dog eyes.

Jensen groans and tells himself to stop acting as if the tree is an actually being instead of just a piece of wood he grudgingly agreed to buy and decorate. He has way too many people telling him what to do lately.

Jensen should have known that all his Christmas plans would be void the second Jared started to ramble about trees and decorations and awesome ideas for food. After eight years of listening to Jared’s ideas Jensen now regrets having learned to blank him out. Jensen’s sure he’s missed something vital during the last few weeks.

Also, who the hell wants to celebrate Christmas in L.A.?

Vancouver he would have understood, Texas he would have loved but L.A.? Jensen doesn’t really get it. He also doesn’t get why Jared’s here anyway. There was talk about Sun Valley and extended family and snow parties - until there wasn’t.

The tree tilts some more, cracks and creaks a little and then settles against where the top’s wedged under the ceiling. Jensen sighs. This is really not what he’d envisioned when he’d said “yeah” during a late night on set when Jared had been talking for hours. Not that he remembers most of that conversation but then he’s never said no to Jared when it comes to serious things.

Christmas is kind of serious.

His whole living room smells like fir and it’s not really something he associates with L.A.

Jensen isn’t really in the holiday mood. And he’s willing to subject himself to Jared calling him a Grinch for the next few days. After 8 years, this will be the first Christmas they’ll spend together. Just the two of them. Jensen's not sure he'll survive this. The tree moves again, creaks and groans and Jensen just throws his arms up.

“Oh for heaven’s sake, just settle the fuck down already.”

There’s a chuckle from the hallway, low and throaty, and Jensen swears again. He doesn’t jump and it’s not even a close thing but his heart’s using an unusual rhythm right there.

“What’s the tree done to you now? Can’t imagine it getting any more difficult since we got it out of the car,” Jared says, with a smile and bright eyes. Jensen has to look away after a few seconds. It draws him in every time, that happy look on Jared.

“It’s just bitchy, ‘s all,” Jensen answers, not looking at Jared but at the tree. The laugh that follows makes him smile a little.

“Well, guess you two will get along just fine then,” with that Jared’s gone again and Jensen can feel the scowl on his own face. There’s a final creak - Jensen prays it is - as if the tree really, really wants to have the last word and then the room’s silent again.

Jensen sighs, feels like he’s done it way too often lately and suddenly, unexpectedly feels old. By now he’d hoped to have settled down, with someone, in a place he calls home more often than just for a few days a month. Maybe even children or at least one.

Danneel’s still in his life, a permanent fixture as his best friend now. He’d thought she was it, loved her more than anyone else but one day she just sat him down and looked at him. He knew, without words between them that they were done. She never said anything mean, never accused him of not doing his best, only told him she’s not meant to be second best, told him to figure it out and be happy.

Jensen thinks it sounded easier coming from her. He has figured it out but has absolutely no idea how to go about it. Two years and not a step closer to a solution.

“Come on, Jensen. Stop glaring at the tree and help me get the decorations on it. It’s fun. I promise. I’ll even try and bribe you with spiked hot chocolate,” Jared’s at his back again, closer than before and Jensen fights the urge to lean back against him.

It’s one thing to do it while being tired as hell and cold, while everyone on set thinks it’s just the way they do things. It’s a completely different thing to do it without just reason.

“It’s a hundred degrees out there, Jay. I think I’ll rather dunk myself in ice water than have a hot chocolate. Why are we doing this here? It’s not like we never did Christmas in Vancouver before. There was even snow, remember?”

Jensen knows he sounds way too grumpy, but the ache that has taken permanent residence in his chest ever since Danneel sat him down, has kind of intensified over the last weeks. It’s not so much that it’s a bad feeling, he’s used to it by now, it’s more a constant reminder that he’s too chicken to take a step.

And Jensen steadfastly refuses to think about the fact that the ache is irrevocably connected with Jared’s presence in his life.

“God, can you be any more of a Grinch?”

Hah, Jensen knew it. He rolls his eyes and turns just so that Jared can see it.

“And, well, we never had Christmas in Los Angeles and I thought it would be something new. Different, you know?”

The better is implied and Jensen blinks. He doesn’t really know what’s going on with Jared and has been waiting for the other shoe to drop for a while now. Jared’s been quieter - no, not really, more like subdued but still talking Jensen’s ear off.

“Huh...” is all Jensen can say to that.

“And it’s really not that warm. It’s winter here as well after all. And dude, you’re from Texas so you have had hot chocolate without it being freezing outside.”

Jared’s grinning now, takes Jensen by the shoulders and steers him into the hallway where there are boxes with Christmas decoration waiting. Jared actually drove them down from Vancouver, the car full of boxes, suitcases and dogs. Jensen’s convinced that Sadie strategically placed herself right behind him, he can still feel her tongue in his ear.

“Fine. But I won’t climb up and put a star on that thing,” Jensen grumps and points towards the tree that still seems to mocking him. “And I want marshmallows.”

Jared laughs again at that, louder and deeper, happier even.

That constant ache in his chest? Jensen thinks it’s not so bad when it means seeing Jared this way.


*****

Two days until Christmas and Jensen’s clueless as what to get Jared. He never had that problem before. Usually he got things done by the end of summer hiatus, collected things during his trips and while at conventions.

Only this year, he’d been too busy with family emergencies, Danneel dragging him around the world and looking for things to do if the show should end. This summer Jensen didn’t see Jared as much as he’d liked.

So yeah, Jensen doesn’t have a present or at least not a good one. He does have little things, like the obligatory bottle of wine or the watch he buys every year. But there isn’t anything special or new about it.

And Jensen might be freaking out a little.

Oh and the tree is still mocking him. Only now it’s all decked out in tinsel and decorations and actually looks really kinda cool.

He’s sitting on his comfy couch in sweats, a ratty t-shirt and glasses on. Lasik might be the shit but it doesn’t exactly do anything for your reading ability when you get older. So glasses, to read the screen in front of him. Jared doesn’t even know about the glasses yet and Jensen doesn’t dare to think about the mocking it’ll get him once Jared finds out.

The screen in front of him shows various open tabs leading to various online shopping options and none of them show him what he wants. Not that he knows what he’s looking for but it would have at least been a little helpful to get ideas. Nothing yet so far and Jensen’s about to give up.

And there he’d been willing to spend horrendous amounts of money on express shipping.

He’s been staring at the screen for so long that he’s in some kind of trance when Jared gets back from the dog park. Sadie’s cold nose and Oscar’s paws on his legs wake him - a little anyway - and Jensen lets his fingers sink into curly fur and scratches behind ears.

“Honey, I’m ho...,” Jared chokes a little and Jensen snaps his head up to look at him, see if everything’s alright. Jared is staring. Staring at Jensen and for a second Jensen thinks he forgot to clean his mouth after the spoon in the nutella glass breakfast earlier.

“Uh...”

“Jared?”

“Glasses.”

Dammit. Jensen knew there was something on his face.

He feels himself grow hot and hates, really hates the fact that he can still blush at his age. His shy streak comes through sometimes and mostly it’s Jared saying things to him that has it appearing.

“Yeah, right. Reading isn’t what it used to be,” Jensen shrugs and goes back to looking at the dogs in his lap. Icky’s nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s Ick?”

“Visiting his lady friend,” Jared says so deadpan that Jensen sputters at first and then full on laughs until tears are leaking out of his eyes.

“His what? And Did you really just say lady friend in relation to my dog? Really?”

“Yep.”

“Okay. Again. His what?”

Jensen kinda unsure as how to go on with this conversation but then he’s too relaxed and maybe too lazy to make a thing out of it and how ridiculous Jared can be when it comes to their dogs. Yes, their dogs, because lately all of them are together more often than not. It’s become a thing without Jensen realizing it.

His life lately revolves around one man and three canines.

And he thought being lead in a supernaturally themed show was weird already.

Jensen reaches up when he feels his glasses slip due to his frown and blinks when there’s a tiny almost inaudible gasp from the hallway.

Jared hasn’t said a word in too long. It makes Jensen nervous when Jared’s not making any sounds. It mostly means something bad is going to happen or is already happening and Jensen’s unaware of it. It’s not a cool feeling, at all.

Jared’s in the living room now, out of his street clothes and presenting Jensen a view that is bordering on shameless. Ass wiggling in the air as he places wrapped boxes under the tree. Jensen thinks there are enough to gift a small town with. He frowns and is about to ask Jared when Jared turns back to him, small smile on his lips and eyes bright.

“The Dalmatian from across the street? Icky seems to be fond of her and I let him go over. Mrs. Whittaker was very friendly and amused. She is watching them now.”

And he totally forgot about what they were talking about. Jensen blinks and then looks down at Sadie wriggling around to find a comfortable position where she’s wedged against his side, all warm and firm.

Right, his dog and his lady friend.

Jensen feels the ache again, sudden and strong and it certainly has nothing to do with the fact that Jared takes care of small things like that and acts as if they are the most normal things ever. Additionally to that ache comes now a need to get even closer to Jared. A need Jensen had thought to have conquered and destroyed during their first year on the show.

He’s apparently been deluding himself. Like a lot. And now his dog has a better sexlife than himself. Yes, that’s very depressing. So Jensen reacts the only way he knows how to, grumpily.

“Let me get this straight. My dog has gotten himself a girlfriend and is now paying her a visit, while I sit here in my most ratty clothes searching online for stupid things and don’t get any action at all? This is just awesome... not.”

Jared snorts, it’s not an elegant sound but Jensen grins anyway.

“Dude, you are pathetic. Be a little happier that Ick’s getting some. Little guy must have been totally frustrated with the way Sadie and Oscar made him the third wheel.”

Jensen groans a little. Just a little but Jared hears it anyway and laughs. Jared’s laughing at him and Jensen can’t bring himself to mind.

His computer screen is flashing at him, offering great ideas for gifts and whatnot. It’s never been a problem before, finding the right gift for Jared. This year, though, seems to be cursed and Jensen doesn’t really know why.

“Let’ go shopping,” Jared says, like it isn’t the stupidest idea ever. It’s two days before Christmas, in L.A., Jensen will do hell and set a foot inside anything that comes even close to retail.

No way.


***


Thirty minutes later, Jensen has to admit that he maybe isn’t as immune to Jared’s puppy dog eyes as he once was. The tree should have been the first clue anyway. But then, two can play that game and he’s currently happily nursing a very delicious and very expensive coffee. And really, the crowd isn’t as bad as he’d feared, only slightly intimidating instead of full on.

He’ll survive. For a while.

“Stop being so damn grumpy and uptight, Jensen. It’s Christmas,” Jared admonishes after the third time Jensen glares at someone walking into him. His mood’s on the downswing and Jensen doesn’t feel like doing anything against it. He wants to go home, veg out on his comfy couch and maybe cuddle some with the dogs. Also, glaring at the tree would be a nice idea as well.

What he doesn’t want, is walking from shop to shop without a set goal in mind and with people being as damn cheerful as they are this time of the year. He likes Christmas but he hates being overly cheerful or being subjected to overly cheerful people. It’s mostly all fake anyway.

The only exception that are children (usually from his own family) and Jared.

“Jensen?”

Okay, so maybe he zoned out a little just there. He looks up and finds Jared frowning at him. And if Jensen didn’t know better he’d say Jared looks sad. Jared’s hair is tousled, pointing in every direction despite it being so damn long.

Jensen wants to bury his hands in it. The need is there and he knows Jared would let him, even if it’s totally weird doing it in the middle of a busy mall.

Jared looks also flushed and a little sweaty, nothing new there. But Jensen suddenly realizes how close they are standing and how warm it actually is around them.

“Huh?”

Jared rolls his eyes but smiles a little.

“Just wanted to know if it’s okay that we’ll have cow instead of goose. For Christmas dinner? You know, the one I said I’d cook and where you said ‘Awesome’?”

“How drunk was I?” Jensen regrets the words as soon as he says them, sees Jared shutting down, frowning even more and turning away from him. Jensen wants to reach out, touch, maybe even hug Jared, make him feel better. But it’s neither the right place nor does Jensen think will that be welcome right now.

“Jared. Jay… I’m sorry. I’m just stressed. This is stressing me out and I… Okay, you know what? No excuses. I’m an asshole and you’ve got every right to be mad. I’m sorry. And yes to the cow,” Jensen says it all to Jared’s back.

It isn’t the first time and he’s pretty sure it won’t be the last. Jensen knows he can be a real bitch. Just when he’s about to reach out someone slams into him from behind and he finds himself face to broad, muscled back.

His glasses dig painfully into his face and Jensen curses out loud.

He feels the laughter rumbling through Jared more than he hears it. Jensen’s sighs and unfolds himself from where he’s mushed into Jared. He sees Jared turn around and sighs again when he looks up and sees the smirk on Jared’s face.

“You okay, man?”

“Hell, no,” Jensen doesn’t even flinch at how indignant he sounds. But he does feel a little bad when he sees concern appearing and shakes his head.

“Dude, you let me leave with my glasses on.”

For a second Jared does nothing, doesn’t move, doesn’t blink, doesn’t even seem to breathe.

Then he just cracks up.

Jensen suddenly thinks that this is what he’s living for, seeing Jared like this. Then he thinks how stupid that sounds, even in his head and instead just smiles indulgently at Jared, follows him through the rest of the mall once Jared calmed down. How Jared hasn’t figured out that Jensen’s stupidly in love with him, has been for ages, is little beyond Jensen.

But then, he never said a word and probably never will. Jared’s his best friend and he likes it stay this way, if he can help it. Jensen never thought he would in his thirties and pinning for someone like this.

At the end of the day, Jensen doesn’t feel half as pathetic as he did, but he still doesn’t have a present for Jared.


****


“Why are we here?”

Jared looks up from where he’s busy with the dinner for tonight and Christmas dinner for tomorrow. He looks slightly confused and Jensen needs to stop thinking in terms of ‘adorable’ and ‘cute’ when it comes to Jared. Seriously, it’s a little disconcerting.

“Uh, well... I’m preparing dinner. Not sure what you are doing here.”

Jensen knows that Jared’s not obtuse on purpose, that he probably really doesn’t know what Jensen’s talking about but it still makes him bristle a little. He looks down into his empty coffee cup and wonders if he should let it slide or not.

He decides not to.

“Here in L.A.” Jensen didn’t want it to come out this quiet but he sees Jared’s shoulders stiffen and knows he’s been heard.

“What do you mean?”

Now, Jared’s doing it on purpose and Jensen doesn’t feel like playing this game in his own home.

He gets up and leaves the kitchen without a word. It’s an asshole move, he’s very aware of that but he feels something inside of him boil and he doesn’t want Jared to take the brunt of it.

The crooked tree blinks and sparkles but Jensen doesn’t even have the nerve to be annoyed but its mocking presence. He’s tired all of a sudden, feels like calling his mom and complaining about not being home for Christmas.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been lying in the dark, staring at nothing really and listening to his own heartbeat. It must have been a while because when the door opens Jensen can smell dinner and knows it’s about to be ready.

The mattress sinks down next to him but he doesn’t move, doesn’t roll over. He just breathes in and lets his eyes slide close. Jared’s a warm presence at his back but they aren’t touching and Jensen desperately wants that to happen.

“I thought you knew,” is what Jared says into the silence a while later. Barely audible but Jensen hears it anyway, Jared’s too close not to be heard.

“Knew what? I’m not really up to guessing games, Jay.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I just, when you agreed to have Christmas with me, here. I thought… well, assumed you knew why. Turns out I was wrong and you’re just so damn good at heart that you agreed anyway. Probably just didn’t want me to spend Christmas alone.”

Jensen doesn’t like that tone of voice. Not at all. It sounds self-deprecating and really nothing like Jared. He turns around then, can see Jared’s profile in the light coming in from the hallway and swallows at how drawn Jared suddenly looks.

“Of course, I don’t want you to spend Christmas alone. I just don’t get why you would be alone?” And he really doesn’t. Jared hasn’t said a single word why Idaho fell through and why Texas is out of questions as well.

“Right. Never mind, Jensen. It’s okay. Really. It was just me having a stupid idea, that’s all. Uhm, come to dinner? It’s ready,” Jared says while he gets up and doesn’t look back at Jensen.

It feels like something just happened – only, Jensen doesn’t know what.


****


“This better be good Ackles,” Misha sounds tired and Jensen actually feels bad now. It’s not that late but then Misha’s got two little children and it is Christmas Eve after all.

“Sorry man. It’s nothing. Go back to sleep or whatever.”

Jensen’s about to hang up when Misha replies.

“Dude, what is it? You sound awful.”

Great now he sounds like he feels. Jensen sighs and sinks further back into the couch. Jared’s out with the dogs and Jensen just felt like talking to someone about it all. Why he chose Misha, he doesn’t really know.

“Thanks, Misha.”

“Spill. What’s going on?” Misha sounds suspiciously invested all of a sudden and Jensen thinks Misha might know more than he thought.

“Not much… just Jared’s acting a little strange.”

“More than usual?” It comes without a pause and Jensen laughs. Because yes, it’s true. Jared can be strange sometimes but that’s what he lo… likes about him.

“Yes. Kind of. I don’t know. Man, I don’t even know what he wants to spend Christmas with me here in L.A. I know for a fact that his parents miss him.”

Jensen stops when he hears faint laughter coming over the phone and just knows that Misha’s muffling it.

“What?”

“Oh God, you two are idiots. Seriously. Do I really have to spell it out for you?” Misha sounds way to amused and it has Jensen on the edge. He hates being mocked, especially when things are serious.

“Yes, please,” he says with as much sarcasm as he can muster up. It seems to help, as Misha sounds way more sober and serious when he answers.

“It’s not really my call, Jensen. But, let’s just say you aren’t the only one pinning away and being oblivious about it. Jared… well, let’s just say Gen has been trying to get back together and that was the invitation to Sun Valley. Jared decided to not go. Also, Jared’s parents where all for it and are actually there right now. So no Texas for Jared either.”

Jensen glares at the blinking, crooked tree and tries to understand the words reaching him through the phone.

He knew Jared’s parents still got along with Gen’s family. It wasn’t bad between them and they’ve got history. So it was either being alone in Vancouver, spending the holidays with his ex and both families or spending them with Jensen and his family in Texas. Doesn’t really explain L.A. yet.

Jensen’s kinda mad at Jared for not telling him about Sun Valley and his parents.

“You didn’t know?”

“What do you think?” Jensen flinches at his own voice.

“Whoa there, calm down. I’m not the bad guy here.”

“Sorry,” Jensen mumbles.

“Man, Jared will kill me for this but it’s Christmas…. Consider this my present to you. Jared wanted to have a Christmas just for the two of you. You know? The thing you never managed through the years despite being all googly eyes at each other. Sure, him asking you when you were about to lose consciousness and were probably prone to forgetting half of what he said, wasn’t his best idea. But he did ask you if you wanted to spend the holidays with him, away from everyone, just the two of you. In L.A., where there are no bad memories of exes, no families to interrupt the big revelation. No one to destroy the mood, you get my drift…”

Jensen has no idea what to say to that. He might be a little stunned. A tiny little bit.

He wishes he’d remember that one evening on set. The evening Jared took a huge step which Jensen apparently completely missed. Oh damn it all to hell.

“I know, right?” Misha says between chuckles. So Jensen said that out loud. He doesn’t really care.

“You two missed each other by miles as it seems. Go and paddle back so that neither of you is miserable during Christmas. Oh and please ask Jared if he went through with inviting your family for the 26th. Happy Holidays, Jensen,” Misha is full on laughing now and Jensen doesn’t even have the chance to get a word on before the line goes dead.

Looking around the festively decorated living room in a house he barely spends more than a few weeks in each year, Jensen grins. His heart is in his throat and he’s not sure he believes Misha’s words but it’s worth a shot.

He suddenly has an idea how to make things up to Jared.


****


“Jensen! Where the hell are you?” Jared’s voice drifts in, well more like crashes in, from the hallway and Jensen grins. By now Jared knows something is up and Jensen wants to see his face when he tells him what exactly is going on.

He puts down the last of the table decoration and schools his face into a neutral one or he at least hopes it’s neutral, knowing himself it’s probably grumpier than he wants it to be. Anyway, he can hear Jared getting rid of his shoes and the dogs milling around in the living room.

Dinner has been ready before Jared went out with the dogs, the only thing Jensen had to do was place it on the table. He’s kinda proud of his arrangements.

They never use the dining room – well, Jensen never uses the dining room. He’s pretty sure Jared uses it to train the dogs stupid, useless things whenever he’s here. Jared’s so much part of his life, of the feeling of home, that Jensen can’t imagine Jared not being around. That goes for both their places, wherever they are.

They could have spent the holidays at Jared’s place but Jensen had garden maintenance scheduled right before the holidays, so they ended up here and Jensen is glad about that. This way he doesn’t have to be the one fleeing but can actually throw Jared out when the other man ends up laughing in his face – you know, in case this is one of Misha’s stupid pranks. Not that Jensen thinks it is, but you never know.

“Jensen? Where are you?”

“Dining room.”

He grins when he hears Jared’s anti-slipping socks squeak on the floor and then has to work hard to school his face back into a neutral – who is he kidding anyway – grumpy face.

“Uh…” Jared says and stops dead in the doorway, eyes wide and confusion written on his face. “Jensen?”

“Well, you slaved away so hard that I thought I better take care of the right atmosphere. It’s Christmas after all, you know.”

Emotions are flittering over Jared’s face so fast that it’s hard keeping track of them, Jensen fights not to crack up just then and there.

“Uh… cool. I… okay. Thanks,” Jared stammers and it’s one of the few times Jensen has actually managed to render Jared almost speechless. It’s really a thing to celebrate. He guides Jared to the chair, makes him sit down and presses a glass or really good, really expensive wine into his hand.

This is going to be fun, Jensen thinks and sits down himself.

They start eating in silence. It’s not uncomfortable but charged in a way Jensen hasn’t felt in years.

“Jen?”

And it says a lot about where Jared’s mind is that he uses the hated nickname and probably doesn’t realize it. Jensen lets it slip and looks at Jared, waiting.

“Why did I get a text from my mom informing me that they’ll arrive around 2pm on the 31st and that I better pick them up?”

Jensen shrugs, smiles a little when Jared looks like he’s about to explode.

“Well, I didn’t really know what to get you for Christmas… other than the usual stuff. Thought it might be nice for you to see your folks during the holidays,” Jensen doesn’t tell it all, just because he really wants to see Jared’s face when he tells him the rest of it.

“That’s… really nice, Jensen. I.. thank you,” Jared sounds like he’s expecting something else to happen and Jensen can’t help but smile. They just know each other too well.

How they’ve missed the big pink elephant in the room and that for years apparently – well, they both are idiots.

“Oh and apparently you invited my parents for the 26th, I thought it fair to repay the favor.”

“Fucking Misha,” Jared curses and then blushes, which Jensen hasn’t seen in years and it’s probably the cutest thing ever. If he thought about things being cute, which he doesn’t.

“Oh you better not.”

He doesn’t know where this is coming from but Jensen’s tired of dancing around it all without ever reaching the point where he either gets what he wants or doesn’t.

Jared gapes at him for a second, then grins and finally laughs out loud.

“Believe me, I have no intention to fuck Misha. None whatsoever.”

There’s a gleam in Jared’s eyes that Jensen has missed those last few weeks.

“Good to know. Don’t be mad at him. He just wants us to … well I won’t use his words but the gist is that he wants us to stop being idiots. I’m sorry, Jay.”

Jared doesn’t ask what he’s sorry for. They both know now, don’t need words now. They sit there for a few seconds, just looking at each other, realizing that something has shifted between them and they’ve been heading towards this for a while now. Even with neither of them aware of it.

“We’ve been heading towards this for years, haven’t we?” Jensen says into the silence and smiles when Jared just nods, eyebrows raised and frown-lines on his forehead.

“Guess so. This is weird, though.”

“Totally weird,” Jensen answers through a grin and then moves. Because right now is the perfect moment and he’ll do hell to let it slip away without at least taking a chance. He’s sure he’s not risking everything right now but it still sends his heart into a rather frantic beat.

Jared’s lips are softer than he’d imagined and he doesn’t feel bad about admitting that he’s imagined that several times through the years.

It should feel this good, this right. They are best friends and this shouldn’t be so familiar. But it does and Jensen really likes it this way.

The kiss is gentle at first, tentative, exploring, testing. They almost hover over each other and don’t really move at all. Then Jared makes a frustrated noise in the back of his throat and Jensen finds himself straddling Jared sighs and with Jared’s tongue doing really, really good things to his mouth.

Jensen groans against Jared’s lips, doesn’t stop himself from grinding his hips down and feels smug all over when Jared jerks up against him. This is good. This is fantastic.

They should talk about it.

Jensen hates his brain sometimes.

He pulls back a little, sighs when Jared’s lips attach to his skin and moans when he feels the suction at just the right place.

“Jay… Jared… Do we… Do we have to talk about this?”

“No,” Jared almost growls into Jensen’s skin. It makes him shiver for all the right reasons. He still can’t shut up though.

“Jared… I… Oh God, keep doing that.”

Then Jared stops, pulls back a little as well and just looks at Jensen. His face is soft, understanding in his eyes and Jensen wonders how he ever thought Jared would hate him for going down this way.

“Jensen… I know things are weird. It’s a little unexpected even though it probably isn’t. I like you, you like me. We both know it now. It’s not like we are totally inexperienced. This is Hollywood after all,” Jared says with a smirk and kisses Jensen softly this time. Jared’s not done and Jensen keeps quiet.

“I… well, I’ve liked you … this way… I mean….yeah. Anyway, this has been going for a while for me. Started really thinking about it when Gen invited me to come to Idaho and I suddenly realized that I’ve never had a Christmas just with you. I know… there was no real reason, we saw each other every time but always with family and friends around. I just… felt like it’s time to actually face reality. Sounds stupid, I know…”

Jared’s speaking against his neck now. It’s a little distracting but Jensen wants to hear every single word Jared’s willing to say.

“When I asked you that day, on set, and you were all out of it and saying things like “’s gonna be so cool. Just you and me. Jay.”, I thought there might be a chance, you know. And then you actually went through with it. Christmas in L.A. Just us. Even got that stupid tree for me…. Anhmpf”

Jensen is kissing Jared again. Deep and demanding, like he’s wanted to for ages. Jared’s going with it, kissing back, pulling Jensen closer.

No need for words anymore.

“Less talking, more action is what I say,” Jensen whispers against Jared’s lips and grins when Jared laughs. It’s a corny thing to say but Jensen just had to.

“Good. Great, I’m all for it.”

They don’t really make it further than the couch in the living room that evening.


****

“Oh goddammit…” Jensen curses when another tree branch tries to keep him from reaching his destination – namely the place under the tree where he hid Jared’s last present.

“You two will never be friends, won’t you?” Jared sounds way too amused and way too awake for six am in the morning. Why did Jared wake him up that early anyway, they aren’t five anymore?

“Shut it, or you won’t get it.”

“Get it, like in with you or the present?” Jared says and Jensen can hear the smirk right there.

“None of it if you keep on being a dick.”
Jensen curses again when yet another tree branch snakes into his t-shirt and scratch along his skin.

“But you like my dick. Said so last night.”

“Yes, your dick. Not you being a dick. Oh come on, this is ridiculous.”

Jensen finally makes it from under the tree, packaged clutched in his hands, face flushed and hair disheveled. Jensen’s pretty sure he looks like a little boy. He pushes his glasses back up his nose and grins when Jared’s eyes glaze over. Who knew that there’s a glasses kink hidden behind all those smiles and bouncy exterior?

“For me?” Jared whispers against his mouth when Jensen’s close enough.

It’s not much. Just a CD Jensen has heard Jared talking about for month. He found it yesterday morning when he was walking the dogs and just happened to stop at a yard sale. Who does yard sale on Christmas Eve? Anyway, it was just the thing he knew Jared would love.

And Jensen’s right. The light in Jared’s eyes is enough to make his heart skip a beat and his mind questioning if this is real.

“It’s real, Jensen,” Jared says into his skin where he’s kissing Jensen again.

Jensen thinks he can get used to it.

“Thank you.”

Jensen nods, moves around a little until his on the couch next to Jared, pressed against his side but not really cuddling. The dogs are sprawled out on the other end of the couch and Jensen has the overwhelming feeling of ‘family’.

This content feeling is what he’s been chasing after for years, thought he’d found it once with Danneel but it never really settled. Until now.

“I could be really corny and say spending Christmas with you is the real present but this CD is so damn awesome that I won’t.”

Jensen laughs, relaxes further into the couch and lets it all just be.

Then the tree tilts a little, jingles baubles and ornaments and makes the dogs perk up.

“Yes, I like you, too, you bitchy thing,” Jensen says without thinking.

It takes Jared five minutes to calm down again.

The End
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